I'm a Christian and a Feminist: Come At Me, Bro.

As with any good discussion, we must agree on terms:

What is a Christian?

A follower of Jesus of Nazareth; a believer in his teachings, and a member of his church on earth. 

What is a feminist?

A person who supports women's rights on the basis of the equality of the sexes.

What does a feminist believe?

Women should be equal to men, and if they are not, action should be taken to promote equality.

What is equality?

The state of being equal, especially in status, rights, and opportunities.

Are we on the same page? Oh, goody. If you agree with the above, then you are a Christian and a feminist as well. If you do not think Christianity is compatible with feminism, then this is my ladysplainin' to why it's important (even if you don't identify with as a feminist, which is cool, yo).

**

To start, let's start with a brief discussion of patriarchy, defined as a group organized by men as leaders; e.g. a lineage with the father or eldest male being the head of the family.

This is a neutral term. I do not have an overall issue with patriarchy: I believe in Apostolic succession, men as priests, and hey! I took my husband's last name.

There are so many issues I want to cover, but I need to stay concise.

I have an issue with patriarchy presented as anti-feminist. Feminists are not fire-breathing dragons which chivalrous knights need to slay to protect their womenfolk. Nay! Feminists are not a one size fits all group. Their common link is an active desire for the socio-political and economic equality of women and men. This noble cause does not mean all feminists are great people; but every organization needs a few a-holes for humility purposes.

Patriarch who was pro-women? Jesus. If you're a Christian, He's the guy (God) you want to listen to on this:

"Jesus, the founder of the faith, did indeed live in a male-dominated society, but he was radical in how he rebelled against the cultural values of his age. His treatment of women pushed far beyond his society’s boundaries to love and honor women in ways never before seen. The gospels tell of his extraordinary conduct towards women, which takes on a radical nature when considered in the context of the oppressive environment for women in the Ancient Middle East. By looking at Jesus’ actions through the proper lens, I want to demonstrate that Christianity was instituted with a profoundly pro-women attitude" (CJ Curtis, "Jesus and Women: Rebelling against Misogyny", The Augustine Collective).

**

Next: we don't need feminism.

This is probably the most debatable amongst people who see more equality on a regular basis. For me, women got the right to vote less than 100 years ago. As much as we pride ourselves as progressive people, humans actually need at least 100 years for real change to occur organically - even with legislation supporting it.

My big (anecdotal) sticking point for why we need feminism is the blatant misogyny (defined as "dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against women") which occurs against certain types of women. For example, feminists themselves. We can't accept that they have different ideas, so we call them fat, man-hating cows because that is a scientifically proven way to change a person's mind. And what about pro-life ladies? You mean, anti-abortion, anti-women nazis? Yep. We need to change the attitude and conversation there too.

Feminists have room for improvement too. And if you want to have a conversation, you need to show that you're genuinely interested in the person, not just making a point.

I am a conservative, and it greatly me that feminism is such a derisive idea - how else can we call for the preservation of a culture without the strength of women?!?

**

The elephant in the room/ why people say Christians cannot be feminists: BUT FEMINISTS SUPPORT/ GET ABORTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay. Yes. And no. But yes. As a Christian, I am against abortions. As a feminist, I am against abortions. I am for preserving and protecting life at every stage - especially little women! Check out the female birth rates in China and India. Our tithing as the Baldwin family is mostly split between the church, the woman's shelter near our parish, and the homeless shelter down the street from the hospital.

Still. As a woman who has been pregnant three times... I get it. I do not agree with it, but I understand why women want other women to have access to abortions. I had three really hard pregnancies, even with all the medicine and support readily available to me. I know women deserve better. I want babies to go to loving homes. Will sees people who should not be parents have a lot of kids and the poverty cycles continue. It is truly heartbreaking. We need more empathy in the public discussion on this.

(And I'mma pause you right there if you start to move toward the comment box to mansplain or momsplain the gift of children to me. I know the beauty, and I know the sorrow, connected with my little human beings in my care. Will and I are dedicated to our children, and we're currently facing a reality that another child right now might emotionally break me because of my PPD. Unfortunately, not all women have amazing and supportive husbands like my own.)

So! Instead of viewing these women as selfish, start viewing these women as scared human beings; start seeing that these women need support and love; start acting like you give a damn about the woman in question; and most importantly, stop blaming the woman for getting pregnant. A woman is fertile about 6-8 days/month and a man is fertile every single day. Mhm.

**

Abortion is wrong. Period. The pro-life movement tries to show that, but as I mentioned before, every movement has the a-holes which ruin the message for others. This is another reason why is it SO important for we, as Christian women and men, to stand up as feminists. We must be seen as allies, not enemies.

Feminists do not all agree. And that is okay. That is bi-partisanship. That is community. As my college friend Hannah commented on this issue,

"I'll refer you to a quote I love from Sarah Bessey's Jesus Feminist:
"As long as I know how important maternal health is to Haiti’s future, and as long as I know that women are being abused and raped, as long as I know girls are being denied life itself through selective abortion, abandonment, and abuse, as long as brave little girls in Afghanistan are attacked with acid for the crime of going to school, and until being a Christian is synonymous with doing something about these things, you can also call me a feminist.”
Because while it should be always synonymous, too often people twist Christianity to support agendas of abuse, neglect, and cruelty."

So, please. Enough with telling women that they should smile and they should radiate rainbows and never fart and look pretty and stop talking and sit down and always ask, Please, sir? Can I have another? Please. Just stop telling us what we can or cannot be. If you, dear reader, value equality, then you are not threatened by strong women. You can handle room for improvement. You encourage women in their pursuits and do not say, Thank God you are not like other women! Oh! NO. To be a woman is a far better experience than the way we dress or act or speak. The beauty of womanhood is in our sisterhood - our feminine genius, our creativity, our passion, our tribal protection of our own, our ambitions and our grit to right wrongs.

Our femininity does not detract from another's masculinity. We are not here to challenge. We are here to be ourselves and preserve ourselves. We are not here to ask permission to exist and have wants, needs and desires, or to serve. Feminism says, We can have all of these things. We can choose. We can choose to be a wife, we can choose to be a mother, we can choose to work, we can choose to travel, and our worth is not dictated by our actions or looks. We are DAUGHTERS of the Lord, and we laugh and dance because it pleases Him for us to be fully alive.

**

My "rules" for this series are short (especially before commenting): this topic is personal and I am currently living in it. This is not an abstract for a dissertation. I do not have 20/20 hindsight yet. I don't need any medical advice, as I keep in close communication with my own PA + Dr., as well as being married to one. My husband and I practice many different types of coping mechanisms as well, which I will write about too. My situation is 100 percent unique and I am writing only about myself. These posts are directed at no one, and still, I am opening myself up to share my experiences. If I can help one person, it will be worth it. Please respect this adult conversation at face value.

**

Follow me: Bloglovin // Facebook // Google+ // Instagram // Twitter

Bless Us O Lord, and These Thy Gifts, Which You are About to Grade...

What would you do if you could NOT fail?

Absolutely NOT fail.

NOT.

NOT POSSIBLE.

When my students and I study history, we're studying what happened - mistakes, humans, innovation, power grabs, glory, false pride and unbearable arrogance; then again: virtue, peace, honor, loyalty and adventure. There is plenty of failure in history - failure to understand, failure to compromise, failure to integrate, failure to say "enough"... we study history so as to not repeat the failures, hopefully, among other better reasons.

Then, I'm out of the classroom and I'm just Mom. I'm fixing dinner and fixing hair.

That's life; there is no failure possible. There is no timeline, there is only now. If there is any failure, it's failure to love - failure to be kind, failure to be patient. Lately, while I have not been blogging, I've been meal planning (my new sport), re-arranging our house, massively purging, too much laundry, and backing out of over-commitments. It's been very refreshing. I've also been bowing out of time commitments, including being editor in chief of Ignitum Today. It just was not a good outlet for me, and life is too short to overcommit. I'll keep writing and editing a few people, but I'm lowering my expectations of output into the world. I'm taking a break from graduate school; some days I wonder if I should even be there. My home base matters the most.

I'm not the boss of my house. I don't run my house like a company, and I certainly lack the organization to even claim non-profit status. Ever since Laura dumped out all our Very Important Papers (shame on me for leaving the lid unlocked one day), I'm re-arranging and re-organzing everything. I like it. It's a slow process, and I like learning how I like things as I go along.

I was telling my dad how I almost signed up for a painting class. As I embrace my avocation as an artist, and start to branch out more regularly into my art, a class seemed like a natural next step. Then I laughed. The girls are in swim lessons right now, and I'm still in the beginning of the school year. I need to let myself wait for another season, and just play around with my paints and ideas for now.

It's natural to want to master something, and everything. Have the right opinions, know everything already. Maybe that is why I like being a teacher - you realize that there is always something to learn. There is nothing wrong with being a novice, perhaps perpetually. It's that learning curve we're all chasing.

Well, I'm done running. After life, at least. The greatest advice I ever got (thanks Meg!) was to jump off the hamster wheel, because when you have a child with special needs, everything changes. Mostly,  hard-earned joy. I love having a reason to say NOPE WE'RE DOING IT OUR WAY. Because of Grace? Sure. And Laura, Stephen, Will and me too. We all have different needs, and that's how we direct our family. As we reach the end of residency, I cannot dismiss the life Will and I lead before he gets a "real" job. Our life isn't defined by his employment. Our worth isn't wrapped up success. We love each other because we belong to each other, as a family.

So no, I can't fail at being a mom. I might be running late or ignoring the pile of boxes from Amazon or [fill in the blank], but IT HAPPENS. Will overcooked the spinach ravioli and we both rolled with it. Grace refused to eat her birthday dinner but devoured her birthday cake. Laura wrecks the house again? Doesn't mean I did not just clean it. Stephen gets up multiple time during the night so I'm yawning in class? Yep. Who knows what is next, or even the plan this weekend? Not this girl. That is a win in my book.

**

I've heard from a lot of friends that they are "failing"... but to fail in my history classes, you don't show up to class and you don't do the work. No matter your vocation in life, few people do neither. Way to go, you! God only asks what is possible.

**

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28).

**

Follow me: Bloglovin // Facebook // Google+ // Instagram // Twitter

NFP as a Mama of Three

It's the end of NFP Awareness Week, so I'm going to throw in a few cents as a mama with three kids under three.

Natural Family Planning is getting to know the woman's fertility through various means (mucus, hormone monitor, basal thermometer, etc.) and then, making a decision about when to have sex in order to avoid, conceive or whatever. This is called TTA (trying to avoid), TTC (trying to conceive) and TTW (trying to whatever).

We have a child from each of these. Grace was a TTW - we were open to having a baby, and based on where I was in my cycle, we had a 5 percent chance of conceiving. Laura was TTC - we wanted to have another baby close to Grace. Stephen was TTA - the postpartum method we were using was not successful, and his conception was considered a method failure. This does not mean that NFP = children even when you are avoiding. Plenty of people successfully avoid using the same method. To me, this means that God wanted Stephen in our lives. I cannot imagine life without this chunky monkey. Practically, I also changed how I track my fertility postpartum!

This time around, I started charting with my teacher before my 56 days were up. After a lady has a baby, she is definitely infertile for the first 56 days. After that, even if you are breastfeeding, your fertility can come back (as we learned) before the usual six months. It is unusual, but it does happen.

We are currently using the Marquette method and working closely with a wonderful teacher as we navigate the postpartum period. Since I do not have any health problems we have to work around, this is the easiest method for us. Every morning, I pee on a stick (we buy with Amazon's subscribe and save - a steal! Especially with five or more items, you get a 15 percent discount) and my ClearBlue monitor (Also on sale with Prime currently) tells me if my fertility is low, high, or peak.

From the Marquette website:

The Marquette Model (MM) system of NFP brings 21st century technology to NFP by using the ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor, a device used at home which measures hormone levels in urine to estimate the beginning and end of the time of fertility in a women's menstrual cycle. The information from the monitor can be used in conjunction with observations of cervical mucus, basal body temperature, or other biological indicators of fertility. The MM was developed by professional nurses and physicians at Marquette University in the late 1990s. A recent (2007) study published in the Journal of Obstetric, Gynecologic, and Neonatal Nursing demonstrated a 97-98% efficacy of the MM in avoiding pregnancy when taught by a qualified teacher and correctly applied.

There is more protocol in terms of how many days one should avoid post-peak, and postpartum pre-peak vs. postpartum post-peak, but that is not what this post is about. This post is about why Will and I choose NFP over other methods.

The easiest place to start is our faith. We're Roman Catholic, and as part of our Christian faith, we practice total fidelity. We do not use artificial contraception. The Church does not require us to use NFP, but it does advocate responsible parenthood. "Be fruitful and multiple" does not mean have more children than your sanity, bank account and body can handle. The Church's teaching must be seen through the eyes of total love; it is for communion of body and soul, not a separation.

That being said, NFP is not a Catholic-only method. I know many non-Catholics who use it. Leah Libresco, a Catholic convert from atheism, recently wrote on learning NFP while engaged. She recommends Toni Weschler’s Taking Charge of Your Fertility, which teaches FAM - Fertility Awareness Method, or NFP + barrier methods during avoiding times. TCOYF is the definitive text for learning about one's fertility, reproductive health and charting. This is not only for married folk - charting is the best way to understand how your body is working, and learning to recognize  and interpret changes.

Next, is science. Unlike the popular myth that all NFP methods are the same (or the rhythm method), a woman's fertility is unique and scientists like those at Marquette University, or Dr. Hilgers with his Creighton method, are actively studying women's fertility and have proven, peer-reviewed methods of helping women avoid and achieve pregnancy when practiced correctly. I say "correctly" because this is the danger of NFP - a woman can get pregnant. But this happens to people using birth control methods as well, so I'm nonplussed about this part. I truly think that NFP is as valid a method to avoid and achieve, with the bonus of *knowing* one's fertility (no more guesswork!) and creating an incredible bond with your spouse.

We use the Kindara app to chart - so well organized and a beautiful design. I love that I can add-in more information than what is provided already too.

Finally: love. There is nothing more trust-building than two spouses on board with fertility planning. The husband is equally as involved as his wife; he carries responsibility as she does. This is not always easy. Will and I did not pick NFP because we enjoy this challenge; but is it worth it? Absolutely. We practice fidelity to one another; open communication; incredible vulnerability; respect and acceptance of the total person; value and honor for God's design; true self-sacrifice. The benefits, for us, outweigh the fear.

True love must know sacrifice. This is why our wedding vows speak of leaving our mother and father and joining to our spouse. The current statistics on divorce is about 50 percent**, which is terrifying. NFP users have a lower rate - hovering around 9.5 percent. Having sex is not just for creating a child. It's also for bonding! But the accountability and responsibility is still there, and we take that seriously.

It's hard to be pregnant. It might not seem that way, especially coming from someone who has had three successful pregnancies in three years. We were open to that. We were open to that challenge. I would not recommend this path to most people, but we feel very blessed to have our three children and be in a position to care for them. It should not, however, and is not to be taken for granted. People love asking if we're done now that we've had our boy. Hopefully not! Will and I are still discerning, as is part of our marriage.

**
"Which Method of NFP Is Right For Me?" quiz

**

I love strolling down memory lane. I love thinking about all the walks we went on while dating and engaged; hiking and talking about Big, Philosophical questions and telling stories and discussing what we wanted in life. Will and I decided that we wanted to spend our lives together - eating and grocery shopping; chores and cleaning up after little people; in good times and in bad; in morning sickness and in health. I thought I loved Will when we got engaged, and even more when we got married. And I did. I love him even more now. Be assured that marriage is hard for us too, and NFP is harder. There is a lot of dying to self. NFP strips away the pretension and the pride, and leaves us to face our own reality. Each NFP experience is unique, and I like knowing that it is part of our love story. It's anecdotal evidence, but in the search for fullness of the human experience, what else is there?

Follow me: Bloglovin // Facebook // Google+ // Instagram // Twitter

** EDIT: A friend sent me this article, which says that divorce rate is well below 50 now and that this statistic is incorrect. Happy to hear!

Maternity Leave Musings (Or, Sorry for Not Writing More): 7 Weeks Young

Bonjour! Hola! Hello, friend. Thank you for reading. How are we (almost) through the month of June and I haven't published again? I suppose summer is my maternity leave and summer vacation. A vacation where I attend circus camp, or, learning to juggle of three kids under three years old and handle toddlers who want the blue cup, not the yellow, or whatever her sister has (currently).

Hi yourself! What have you been doing?!

Stephen was born, I turned in my students' grades, and I was balancing three different medication schedules. Lyme, thrush and postpartum anxiety. PSA: check yourself and your family for ticks, if you spend time outside.

How are you feeling?

If you would have told 18 year old me that I'd be tired by 9:45 p.m. when I was 28, I probably would have laughed. I've always been a night owl... which means now is I can be up at 4 a.m. to walk Stephen around until he falls asleep; collapse into bed; wake up with my two chicks clucking from their bedroom.

Motherhood makes me stronger. It's endurance training. It's creativity and adventure. It's the tea bag in hot water metaphor that Eleanor Roosevelt said. I'm re-learning my limits and re-organzing our schedule/ house. I'm reading books for fun! (Need more David Foster Wallace! Currently reading about Catherine the Great and listening to Tolkien on cd.) I'm getting outside and enjoying our summer schedule; starting postpartum exercise. Grace was just approved for eye surgery by our insurance (hooray! more on that later!), so that's one more thing going our way.

Which is to say, I'm feeling fine. How are you?

Okay, elephant in the room: Seriously - how do you handle three kids by yourself?!

I don't live on an island alone. I have a husband who pitches in with everything and helps keep me focused and organized. I have a cleaning company come once a month since our rental is so old and our children are so young. Friends to text. And family! My MIL came for three weeks, then my mother for two weeks, and after I was alone during a number of night shifts (shakes fist at scheduling gods), my MIL arrived for another couple days stay to pick up our former Honda CRV. It's been a revolving door, honestly.

Sure, many days, I am alone. I've taken the kids out of the house multiple times - the grocery store, therapy, and even wrangled them to two doctors' appointments last Monday. I pack my bag full of snacks/bribes, diapers+wipes, and give myself enough time to get from point A to point B.

You're not convincing me, lady. 

It's a day by day thing.

I take a deep breath, nap when I can (or mentally rest with a t.v. show while I take care of Stephen if the girls are napping) and practice the value of "me" - enough sleep, water, nourishing food, exercise (even just a little), prayer and my medication. Last night, we took a walk to the emergency department for a change of scenery and to give Will dinner; it was a win-win for both of us.

My parents came to visit us after the Youth National Rowing Championship my brother and sister were in a few weekends ago, and my dad reminded me that they got a nanny after three kids. That sounds like a dreamboat, even though I do not work full-time like my mom did (does).

 It does give a person perspective, though. I'm officially in zone-to-zone defense.

Stop the presses. I read "medication" earlier. Are you on medication because you're crazy enough to have three kids in three years?

I developed anxiety while pregnant with Stephen; there were a lot of factors, but by the time the birth came, I was feeling amazing. When Will and I were walking home from the hospital with Stephen, I remember telling him that this was the best I've ever felt after a birth, and how excited I was to jump into this new adventure. About a week later, I felt the baby blues; a week after that, I felt them getting worse. I called my PA and immediately took action (but not before crying to the Phone Nurse). I'm trying to be honest about this because these meds are going to be with me for the summer, at least - and to remove some of the stigma of going on medication. Sometimes, you need it.

And yes: having three kids under three is the craziest and most amazing experience yet. You'll have to trust me there. I don't recommend it to (or for) everyone. But I'm thriving.

What makes it so amazing?

One thing my PA told me is that a lot of women get postpartum depression/ anxiety because their partner is not supportive of them. This is not my issue, and she stressed to me how lucky I am. I can 110 percent say that I could not do this without Will, even though his hours are not super-changing and residency is still residency. Have you ever been part of a team where your side is always for you? Even when you're crying because you ordered the birth announcements and made a minor error that no one else notices unless you point it out to them?

Will and I are both very independent people, and one of the best parts of having more kids is how we've become more interdependent on each other and really embraced the family lifestyle. This is not easy with our schedule; whether it's falling asleep on the girls' floor after a shift so he can be there for the bedtime routine, or staying up late to clean the kitchen and get ready for the next day.

One of my favorite sayings its from Tolkien's The Fellowship of the Ring: "All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us." Will and I choose each other every day. It sounds romantic, and it is; it can also be hard and self-denying. Still, we see beauty in what we know and how we choose to love ourselves, each other and our family. This is amazing. The actions we do each day builds our family, our adventures, our life. Boring is a perspective.

So! Things we're doing:

• Cleaning up/out every single room in the house. We've completed 4 so far; working on the dining room (dining room/ my downstairs office/ the girls' art table) right now
• Writing/ sending birth announcements and thank you cards 
• Playing outside and taking walks to the park
• Adjusting nap schedules 
• Eating popsicles
• Napping and getting to bed earlier 
• Books on cd; tv shows from the library; podcasts during the day and night
• Starting potty training (and watching Potty Time)
• Adding more items to my Subscribe & Save (guilty pleasure/ part of our kids budgeting)
• Making a zillion lists
• G's therapies 
• Trips to the library and grocery store
• Exploring new places
• Work stuff (third year and last year of residency starts tomorrow!)
• Posting on Instagram 

Hopefully, I'll publish more too (I write all the time, but I'm trying to keep it 50-50 with my reading). But in the meantime, here's to new adventures. May you have one every day.

Follow me: Bloglovin // Facebook // Google+ // Instagram // Twitter

They Call Today "Good"

Every Triduum, starting with Maundy Thursday through Easter Sunday, I re-read T.S. Eliot’s “The Four Quartets”. It is four of his best poems, and for anyone who only knows his poetry ala in “The Hollow Man” or “The Wasteland” (critiques of modernity, not praise), his words may be surprising.

For instance, it is in “East Coker”, the second of the quartet, in which Eliot wrote,

The dripping blood our only drink,

The bloody flesh our only food:

In spite of which we like to think

That we are sound, substantial flesh and blood—

Again, in spite of that, we call this Friday good.

How can this Friday be good? Today Jesus was denied, whipped, humiliated, crucified. And why? In today’s gospel, John remind us that all this happens to fulfill the Scriptures. Jesus accepted the cup his father passed him – he accepted, fully, what must happen. Did he have the power to prove himself, as Satan tempted him to in the desert? Of course. But the hardness of the high priests should not be softened by might, but by truth.

What is truth? asked Pilate; a question so modern still that audiences cannot help but relate. Good Friday is the day when Jesus seems the most human. He is condemned and he dies. We are reminded in the second reading that “we do not have a high priest/ who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses,/ but one who has similarly been tested in every way,/ yet without sin” (Hebrews 4:15-16).

Indeed, as the reading continues (Heb 5:7-9):

In the days when Christ was in the flesh,

he offered prayers and supplications with loud cries and tears

to the one who was able to save him from death,

and he was heard because of his reverence.

Son though he was, he learned obedience from what he suffered;

and when he was made perfect,

he became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey him.

The goodness of this day lies in Jesus’ very passion for us all; a love to conquer death, a truth that “I AM” is a witness as well as a declaration. Today, the veil has been torn and we enter Golgotha, the place of skulls. The King of the Jews is dead, and so Eliot finishes his poem: “In the end is my beginning.”

Today was hard. Today was terrible. Today was good. We wait. The tomb is close by…

{Published at Ignitum Today}

Follow me: Bloglovin // Facebook // Google+ // Instagram // Twitter

Valentine's Day Plans Gone Wild: Going Forward

This past weekend, a friend was supposed to come visit, and I imagined she would bake us 6 million gazillion delicious things. Instead, the girls and I battled the flu, and I couldn't taste my first coffee back so... still a ways to go on Love Day.

These roses - the "least sad looking ones" from the hospital; and you know? All I noticed is that they are the happiest color. Thanks, babe. 

Will fixed me coffee, just the way I like it, which makes me a little sad that I couldn't really taste it due to total clogging of the sinuses. One of the hardest parts of having the flu is his lack of flexibility. Residency means long hours taking care of someone else, and that's just part of his education. It can't be skipped. Even if he was sick, he would probably keep working. (ED doctors, I've noticed, have a very high standard for what is considered "dire" and what is considered "deal with it"!) But he's the guy coming home from late shifts, taking Laura's temperature rectally without a second thought, and multiplying all these numbers in his head for correct dosage via her weight (I just look at the package like a math slacker).

Valentine's Day is a mixed bag for me. I'm not into big gestures and I don't need to go out to eat, but I like celebrating little moments - and this is the kind of holiday I want someone else to plan something for me. I wrote about this last year; the 10 ways to celebrate Valentine's Day (which starts with accepting your loved one for exactly who they are).

And maybe that's what I really want for Valentine's Day, anyways. My husband (bless his heart) is not a gift giving person, but he is the gift that keeps giving. He texts me to remind me to shower, calls me with an order to drink more cranberry juice, gets out of bed because I forgot my tylenol and benedryl before I climbed under the covers, refills my humidifier, and helps monitor our little fevered daughters during this time of rare illness. He worked 10-8 on Sunday and I'll spent the day - more or less - catching up with a few animated favorites (Tangled, Mulan and The Emperor's New Groove), Grace and Laura. (I think Daniel Tiger showed up later again, as usual.)

 Hey Dad, can I eat your soup with you? 

What a guy, my valentine.

It's a kind of love language I'm still learning - I'm the one who likes to buy balloons for the girls, dress them special outfits and fix holiday-centric meals. He's the one who's always up for playtime with the girls, gets us cleaning the downstairs before bed because I love waking up to a clean house, and readily collapses next to me in bed or on the couch, studying for his in-service exam with his iPad so we can "hang out" for a bit. We splurged time-wise by watching the entirety of Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby and laughing together.

I like nurturing; he likes doing. What are your love languages? How do they work with others?

For this post-Valentine's Day week, I'd like to...

• fix these one bowl chocolate cupcakes with the girls... because Will is going to be on night shift half the week, and they look delicious. 
• go to a craft store (or maybe just Amazon Prime, per usual) and make these flamingo handprints for the girls's room. (Well, we'll see how well they tolerate paint on their hands!)
• start to plan Laura's first birthday party!!! {pink and gold seem the most appropriate colors}
• take it easy... classes, therapies and grading. Done. Rest is best, rest is best.  

More exciting than Valentine's Day, however, is happening in five weeks: Will and I are going on our FIRST RESIDENCY VACATION SANS KIDS!!! Just us. No littles. We only mention it every other day to each other. If you've ever been to Baltimore, have any suggestions? I'm enjoying doing research too. It's going to be a fun trip.

**

Our Baldwin Valentine's Day looked like...

More poor sick Laura. She didn't like being put down, ever. 

Fortunately! She responded well to her medicines. What a sweetheart. 

This girl took a four and a half hour nap (unusual in one session), so that meant the girls enjoyed me in shifts. 

Perking up enough to eat a few blueberries... then a few more...

My darling GHB looking especially darling on Valentine's Day, complete with runny nose. We learned to say "mama! nose!" or "mama! tissue!" or "nose! help!" instead of the perpetual sleeve wiping I battled.

So, we're (FINALLY) officially over the flu around here and just enjoying the residual symptoms. What does your week look like?

Follow me: Bloglovin // Facebook // Google+ // Instagram // Twitter

Climb Every Mountain

Once we finished breakfast, Laura resumed her favorite activity of standing against the window. It's freezing cold outside, and we were not going anywhere near that windchill.

She can climb up on the couch now, using the little step stool, and up on the edge. And when Laura's done, she can slide herself off the couch via belly. I've always thought the couch was a nice height when Grace was learning to creep, but it's absolutely fascinating watching my ten month old become so mobile. 

She's simply fearless, for better and worse. I've always been more cautious, and I love encouraging my daughter in a safe zone of exploration. 

Will is "gone" for the month - Philadelphia for his pediatric ED and ICU rotations. Fortunately, he's off on Wednesday and Thursday so he can come back for Journal Club and Grand Rounds and I am thrilled. Throughout the month, we'll visit him when we can, and he'll come back too. 

I'm using the time to purge the house. This means I am cleaning out nooks and crannies, and whenever Grace finds something she enjoyed as a baby, she must re-enjoy it. 

Remember how small she used to be? Actually fitting in this car seat! (Bought for her first plane ride at almost 3 months old - going home for Thanksgiving and her baptism.) She's growing up so fast.

Suddenly, it was nap time. You know this time: the girls start rubbing their eyes and fighting a bit more and demanding the iPad. Okay! Everyone upstairs! I lift them over the gate for a race - Grace always wins. Laura always makes sure I'm coming too. 

Today was the first day back at school. Honestly, I'm not ready to be back. I had a great first class and really loved it, but there's still a lot to do before the end of the semester in three weeks. Oh well! We press on; keep climbing. I walked out of the room to prepare lunch post-nap and returned to this:

Sigh. NO TABLE. 

//

After dinner, we cleaned up together and went off to play and FaceTime with Dad. Unfortunately, this is much less exciting than trying to tear down the gate (even though it is also tied into place). Laura is just so amazing. I love watching the way her mind works and she tries to understand the world. Fortunately, when I re-direct her (which happens one hundred times a day), she never gets upset but moves seamlessly into the next adventure. 

Surprise, surprise! Our [opened] Christmas presents from Nana and Pappy arrive! Time to climb. 

The transformation from baby to toddler is fun with Grace. Earlier today, she helped me scramble the eggs and then put the lid on leftovers from lunch. As her language and movements are improving greatly, I am starting to look into a special needs homeschool pre-school program put out by Memoria Press. (Disclosure: I work for their online school.) Level A looks perfect for Grace, and I would not have said that when she first turned 2. Amazing what a couple more months of therapy can do!!

As a result, I can see how Grace teaches Laura as well, and that just warms a mama's heart. They are really transforming into the best of sisters and friends, and even though it is a lot more work up front, I am excited we're having the kids so close together. 

After a total meltdown near the end of Dad's call, I ask Grace if she's tired and ready for bed, and she says "yes." So, up the stairs we go! The final ascent of the day. 

I have a hard time capturing still photos these days, but what's the saying? A ship is safe in the port, but that's not why it was built. Here's to another day, another climb, and more adventures with my girls.

Follow me: Bloglovin // Facebook // Google+ // Instagram // Twitter

Advent Lessons From Watching My Daughters

Pictures from last Sunday, because the girls had to wear their Sunday hats.

Grace is sporting a yellow knit, given to her (and one for L too) from a tech who loves when the girls come visit the ED. Silver star leggings and a horse-themed top confirm her wild spirit.

Laura, as you may recognize, if wearing her sister's last season Hanna Andersson sweater dress and matching hat. She was less enthused about the hat. 

Since we've been back in PA, it's been a case of WE CAN DO IT. I haven't been feeling well, and by the end of the month, I started dealing with some tough customers who do not like the work load of AP US History. This is a tough balance, because a student needs to have good time management skills with his/her studies, or it does become a lot harder. I've worked with my boss on adjusting the class, and, alas, not all are satisfied. Unfortunately, this is not going to change the class. There are still requirements, and I'm sure this will be a life lesson for all. Maybe, one day, they'll appreciate these lessons - and me. Ha.  

The girls and I spend a lot of time together, and they teach me every day. Here's what I pick up from the littles this Advent Season:

1. Nothing without quality time

The past two nights, the girls have stayed up past their bed time so they can spend time with their Dad. It does not affect their sleep schedule too much, fortunately, and Will is always extra happy to see them. (It's a bummer to leave in the morning and not see your kids before they go to bed! Also why we stop by the hospital often.)

When I am not in class, I try to do work around them as well as sit and play. Laura is learning how to use a sippy cup and drink from a straw (we skip bottles around here) and it's really fun teaching her - she learns from watching Grace as well!

I do not think children need a stay at home parent - I do think that children need tuned-in parents. I try to keep the television off (unless we're all in moods, then praise the LORD for Daniel Tiger & co.) and the music on, my phone out of reach and my to-do list handy. I usually have my computer nearby so I can keep up with grading in between snacks, walks, tower building, loads of laundry and the forever list. Since I work from home, I need to stay realistic about what I can and cannot do, e.g. I cannot be on my computer for longer than 10-15 minutes or else a little hand will sneak onto my screen and pull it down. Ask me how I know. (Standing at the mantle helps!)

Jesus asks us for this too - to see Christmas as less of an obligation and more of a celebration of love. That we want to be at mass because we love God, want to spend time with him, and want to join in the feast of celebrating his birth.

2. Do what needs to get done.

To-do lists (I also call them my forever lists) really do help me; time management, as in school, is essential to home life. With our plethora of therapies and appointments, I never have a "best" time for anything. And still, lots has to get done. I recently realized that I can't work out at home, and with our double stroller out of commission, the time has come to join the Y. Or else perish into a non-exercising maniac.

I've started listening to the rosary on YouTube and reading Christmas stories to the girls; it is my job to teach them the faith - no one else can replace my influence in this area.

3. No really; sometimes, you just have to buckle down.

Do I like giving my girls baths? No. Do I like brushing their teeth? No. Why? Because there are always tears. (Yes, even with tear-less shampoo. It's the water shock, I suppose.) What about therapy? Have to do it. Stretching? The same.

The pile of boxes I need to work through downstairs... okay. I get my own message. The girls know (though they do not always comply) that we clean up our toys before bed. Period. Wah.

And FINE, they don't really have a clue who Santa Claus is (they were pretty ambivalent about the St. Nick stories I read them, though they do like their new slippers), but Grace especially loves the lighting of the Advent candles each night and tries to sing along. A definite win in my book.

4. Bumps and bruises and other realities of growing up.

Sometimes, it feels like some of my students do not want to feel the sting of adequacy. Fine, they did an adequate job, but not a good or even great one, and that is reflected in their grade. And maybe my teacher's note was not sensitive or detailed enough; it's a bumpy ride being a teacher too. I attended a prestigious high school where the teachers were very helpful and very hard on us. They expected a lot, and when I delivered - it felt great. When I did not, I could usually pinpoint what went wrong. That's part of the learning curve, and I work with students to reduce the bumps...

But as Grace and Laura learn every day, no matter how many gates and protections their parents put up around the house, they still fall. So, we focus on the reaction after the fall. "Uh oh! Are you okay? What a big fall!" I usually get a stunned look and then a smile; they roll it off and move on. A really hard fall (hardwood, ouch) deserves a snuggle and lots of kisses, but it usually doesn't stop them from trying again. How many of us can get up from a fall like that?

The refugee crisis is especially close to my heart during this Advent season. Not because people are saying Mary and Joseph were also homeless refugees (uh, sort of - they were traveling for the census before Jesus' birth; I would say they became refugees after Jesus was born and went into hiding!), but because THEY ARE PEOPLE. They are fellow humans fleeing for their lives. Did you know before the Civil War many Northerners did not want to help the abolitionists because they feared they would lose their jobs? Or the fear during WWII that put the Japanese in internment camps and kept many Jews from re-locating? We all see the terrorist threat going on overseas. We need to start embracing the angel Gabriel's entreatment to "Fear not!" and look for positive strategies to help, not hinder. I cannot imagine leaving our home right now for fear any of us could be killed. No walls can keep out hate.

5. Keep having fun!

Grace is in time-out a few times a day for various injustices, like pushing Laura in the face if she's too close. We go to the stairs, where she gets a stern talking to and time-out, which is immediately forgotten as soon as Laura crawls over and Grace says, "Hi Rawr-ra!" After the steps, they go back to playing before another rough attempt to back Laura away from the communal toys.

Life can be hard and unfair and really, really tough - so it's important to have fun too. When Will and I were going through a really tough time earlier this year, we made a point to play tennis as often as we could. We made it a priority to do something fun, something active and something together.

And after I've put Grace in time out and they're playing together, there is no better sound than the two of them laughing together. It's fun - it's joy - it's Christ in my girls.

Sarah Bessey wrote a beautiful Advent reflection on joy (for tomorrow), which I'll excerpt here:

Joy isn’t emotionally or spiritually or intellectually dishonest. Christian joy doesn’t mean that we are sticking our heads in the sand and saying, “it’s fine, we’re fine, everything’s fine” while running past the gutter of broken dreams, eyes averted. 

Joy isn’t denial of grief or pretending happiness. 

Now, now I know this: joy is the affirmation of the truest thing in this life. 

Joy is born, not from pretending everything is fine, but from holding both hope and truth together. The Christian can stand in that liminal space, the place of grief, even there with joy. Why? Because joy is the affirmation of the thing that is truer than any trouble, any affliction: the affirmation that Love wins. Jesus is as good as we hope, it’s all worth it, and all will be redeemed.

**

Now Christmas is coming, so we wait for the Christ child, and we wait for my next appointment and the anatomy scan of our own little bebe. We wait for next Saturday, when Will gets to go home for the first time in two years. We wait, and we love.

Follow me: Bloglovin // Facebook // Google+ // Instagram // Twitter

"If you tame me, then we shall need each other."

Hello, I'm back in PA now! It took us 12 hours (including rest stops) to drive home, and it was as good as it could have been... minus, perhaps the man who started shouting obscenities at Wendy's because the person behind the counter gave him the side eye or something. He had just smiled at the girls. La la la la Grace and Laura!

This post will be a short update because I've had some sort of bug and it keeps waxing and waning (this weekend was the worst - Will ended up writing me a script on Sunday because I was so bad and that really helped), and now I'm in recovery mode.

Fortunately, my MIL was able to help Sunday through Friday. Unfortunately, she left. Fortunately, Will is on anesthesia right now, so he's usually home by the afternoon and on weekends. That has made a huge difference - especially this past weekend, when I was not in a good place to watch the girls.

It's really humbling having your husband take total care of you while you moan, are not exactly "nice" company, feel nauseous and are utterly helpless to do anything besides sort of watch the girls while they play in front of you. We're going on three years of marriage, and the word that comes to mind is "tame" - not in the calm down!! sense, but "The Little Prince" version:

What does that mean -- tame?"
"It is an act too often neglected," said the fox. "It means to establish ties."
"To establish ties?"
"Just that," said the fox. "To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world....” 

It's important to need people. I reflect on my former ultra-independence, always willing to be a friend and give to others, but less willing to expose a more vulnerable side. I'm able to have that with Will, and I'm able to give more to others with his encouragement. But even before I met Will, I met and loved "The Little Prince" by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. The stories from this other world always brings me to tears ("What is essential is invisible to the eye.") and makes me laugh and has me think.

So, of course, when my sister Marianne sent me this trailer... I immediately cheered up. Release for the US is March 18, 2016, so y'all have plenty of time to read and/ or re-read this short, concise book.

“People have forgotten this truth," the fox said. "But you mustn’t forget it. You become responsible forever for what you’ve tamed. You’re responsible for your rose.”

Follow me: Bloglovin // Facebook // Google+ // Instagram // Twitter