Goals for Grace, Grief for Me

"We have joy in our days. There’s sadness, too, but we move on." - Scott Watkins on his wife's life-threatening allergies (including to himself).

This line really struck me. I am currently going through a grief cycle with Grace. As I read in another blog post, the grief will probably never end. It will come and go in waves, and just as I adapt to the "new normal", she'll have a new bridge to cross, and we'll figure out another new normal.

My number one goal for her is to be independent. She is a strong, brave toddler. In fact, as I was typing the earlier part, I noticed how quiet she was... because she was in the kitchen, pushing a chair to the counter to get gummy bunnies. Instead of this being a mama's fear, it becomes my pride and joy. I tell her not to push a chair in the kitchen and to ask mom for help; she is rewarded with gummy bunnies. (But just one pack.)

Grace exploring after pre-school yesterday

My number two goal is for her to know her own dignity and strength. Before driving to Ohio for a wedding, we tried a dress on Grace. She exclaimed, "I am so beautiful!" I love that. We should all think so highly of ourselves. On the other side it, I am trying to teach Grace to trust her body more. She has the strength and the ability, but her balance is weak. We work on stairs a lot. I'm trying to teach her to be okay with falling. We all fall, physically and otherwise, because we are human. It's the attitude about falling that separates us between existing and thriving.

Grace on a trek through the snow

My number three goal is to keep up a "try" mentality. There are always going to be experiences and people telling Grace what she can and cannot do. My parents used to tell me that I wasn't a math person because I've always struggled with numbers (turns out I have dyslexia, but that is a different story). I recognize that they were trying to lessen the brunt of my struggles. The more they told me that when I struggled, the more it cemented. The more I became resigned to a calculator. My brilliant husband, on the other hand, constantly challenges me to do mental math and introduces me to games to help me practice these mental olympics. By pushing myself as an adult, I feel the importance of continuous trying.

A while back, I posted this story on my instagram: One of the biggest question marks for me is how best to push Grace in practical ways. There are so many things we do with both hands!! Fortunately, Grace is extremely self-motivated and always asking me how she can help. So when she asked to peel the clementine by herself tonight, my heart leapt. This happened, of course, after she initially fell off a chair trying to get a second clementine first. Grace cannot catch herself on her right side, and this can be very scary. She fell and cried, and we picked her up and told her she was so brave. Then she said, I try again? YES! Of course. And she climbed up and down without incident. Now, with only a little help to start, she peeled and ate the fruit by herself. Grace, you're amazing. Innovate your abilities, people.

Maybe you are thinking, I want this for my kids too! Or, Don't you want this for your other kids too? Well, of course. But here's the difference: typical kids do not have to learn how to use their muscles. Typical kids do not have to learn to use one side of their body. Typical kids do not have to overcome a stroke. And this is why I am grieving. I want to give Grace everything. But I can't. She has to propel herself. Sometimes, she asks to be carried down the stairs and I say no. Not because I am a heartless wench - but because I want her to thrive. I stay with her while she walks slowly. She is three years old, after all.

Family walk.

Grace, in short, must learn what it means to be human. She has been given a gift of empathy, innovation and trial. She has suffered much in her short life, and she will suffer more. I cannot stop this from happening. Even now, we are introducing her to walk-aid, which is an e-stim for her leg. She will get electronic current sent down her leg to signal her dorsal flexors to work properly in her right foot. The hope is that, in the future, she will not need her brace. We do not know if this will happen, but we try anyways.

(Mumford and Sons - "Turning of the Tide")

A final note on grief: I am not crying every day. I am not in mourning. I do feel a deep sorrow in my soul out of love for my child; but I cannot let this grief stop me from letting her live life to the fullest. It is certainly a teeter-totter of emotion! I am (still) learning to trust myself as her mother, I am learning to try again, and I am learning the dignity and strength in being the caretaker of someone who requires extra needs.

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True Grit: Three Kids Under Three

This month has been one of grind. The grind of taking care of sick children, the grind of preparing for classes, the grind of gritting one's teeth and doing SOMETHING because you are the person who makes things happen. The grind of fixing food and watching it being thrown to the floor, the grind of keeping the kids on a schedule, the grind of cleaning up again and again and again... We moved the girls' dresser out of their room, but during one nap time in the guest room, Grace climbed out of bed and removed all the clothes, where they remain today. (It's been weeks of mess now.)

Grind.

Recently, I ground coffee for the first time. I am not sure how I feel about it. Is it worth the extra 20 seconds? Did my coffee taste different? The creamer and milk tasted nice with it. Will's uncles sent us coffee beans and tea for Christmas. They all smell good.

There I was, churning those beans into a fine substance, when I was struck by the whirling gear parts. What a novel little invention! I wonder who set forth to make coffee grinding affordable and easy.

I am the grinder in our family. I make it look easy, though my gears are constantly changing. I'm told that I make it look easy, and I don't know how you do it! 

All four of us at the grocery store, making "it" happen... it being, not starving

I do not have any special training, except if you count college. In college, I was excessive. I took too many classes, joined too many clubs, wrote multiple articles every month, wrote multiple papers every month, and laughed a lot. I had bad times and glad times, and times I wanted to leave college and never go back. (Looking at you, sophomore year.) I grew so much. I grew up so much. I gained the most valuable skill: innovation.

It is through innovation that the grind seems less heavy and more interesting. What am I going to get done today? How can I persuade toddlers to fight less and clean up more? I was thinking about this as  I was signing forms at Grace's outpatient therapy last week. You know what? I just am--because I am their mama bear.

My innovation of the month is dividing the conquering the kids belongings. In the front room, we now have one basket of toys. That's it. It's mostly their blocks, one little bag (Grace loves stuffing it over capacity), two Melissa & Doug flashlights and a smattering of baby toys. Pick up was never so easy.

The house is still an overall wreck as I fight against inertia, but we're all doing better and continue to recover from the plague. My students are taking their midterms this weekend, so I'm hoping to dive through more of our stuff. But enough of this boringness. Here's how I actually do it.

It's 5 a.m. somewhere... but I am not awake 

Coffee Duh. Don't even try to exist without it. I am trying a new regimen: coffee in the morning, tea in the afternoon and bone broth in the evening for warm protein before bed. In between, I attempt to drink a lot of water. Yep, a lot. I'm very specific around here.

My cousins bought us a 12 cup coffee maker as a wedding present. It is our best friend in the morning. We used to have a french press, but one of our children broke it and we honestly did not use it enough to re-purchase. We are more of an instant gratification couple when it comes to our morning brew. My new tea pot is a french press for tea, so it's the best of all worlds.

Finally, why bone broth? I'll admit that I bought Bare Bone Broth at our local Wegmans to support Katherine (a college classmate and friend) and her husband. They started this company from the ground-up, and it's been amazing to witness their commitment to creating a quality product. When I tasted the chicken broth, I really liked it. The cost had thrown me a bit ($8.50/ea), so I purchased a competitor's brand to also try. Hands down - this is not an ad and I am not being paid - Bare Bone Broth is divine, with a subtle flavor that is both comforting and not overwhelming. I love that each serving has 13g. of protein because as a breastfeeding mom + someone who is trying to eat better, I'm all too prone to eat whatever is easiest instead of what is best, especially when I am starving before bed. I am extra glad I bought two bags.

Bonus: kerfir (probiotic) and smoothies (whole lotta vegetables), so I am essentially existing on a liquid diet. Don't forget about red wine before bed.

Marriage

Do you know why you have kids? I know, this is a trick question. You are probably married. (Shout out to single mamas, because you are a warrior!!!) Maybe you have one child and you think having three kids is impossible and I'm crazy and hahahaha Julie, okay, mhm. As confusing as this may sound, I do not recommend three kids under three without an amazing working relationship with your spouse. Will is patient, kind, never yells, always listens (even when he thinks I am wrong, wink), and... fine, he is essentially a magical unicorn when it comes to focus, be it cleaning or child care.

Then again, he gets to leave the house on an almost daily basis so his sanity is more in-tact than mine. I also take care of all our paperwork, which is special circle of nonsense, and have committed myself to cleaning the mess that never ends.

Will and I have a very strong marriage. We have walked (are still walking) through multiple rings of fire and seeing each other at our worst, sharing in struggles, and learning to be truly vulnerable with each other in a respecting, loving way is a work in progress every day. Our marriage is ours, and it works wonderfully. Our secret? We work on it every single day.

What does that look like for us. Our reality: Will works long hours. 60-80+ hours/week. That is especially draining for me since I am primary caretaker for three children/ wish I had a household chores fairy/ teach online/ transport G to school and therapy/ grocery shop/ whatever else needs to be done BECAUSE I AM THE MAMA BEAR (rawr!).

Our how-to-love-each-other-when-we're-stretched-thin includes:

• Physical intimacy. Top of our list, for sure. This is not just sex - it's kissing, snuggling, hand holding, hugs, flirting... Physical touch is important, period. Nothing says "I love you" like a nice head and neck massage. I also take Will dinner regularly at the ED because then we all get hugs, even if it took 20x as long to get there than actually spending time together. The hugs and smiles are always worth it. 
• Emotional intimacy. We treat each other with respect, love and care especially when we don't feel like it.
• Communication. The bedrock of us. We do not presume anything. We do not assume anything. We do not think we know what the other person is feeling. We ask, we talk, we discuss, we disagree, we conclude. This is hard, this is vulnerable, and this is where pride falls.
• Space. Will and I established the term "mellow" when we want to be left alone; e.g., I'm just feeling mellow. 
• Encouragement. Who doesn't want to hear often that our dearest one thinks we are awesome? Who doesn't love when your loved one fixes you coffee?
• Common interests. Will and I are very different people with different interests. This year, we're reading a book/month together. Nothing heavy, just fun. We play board games together and an online card game called Hearthstone. We discuss current events and usually share a few seasons of a fun show to watch together. 
• Date night! On Friday, we ordered pizza, fed the kids, played with them, put them to bed, and spent the whole evening hanging out. We didn't go anywhere and it was awesome. If you can go out, that's great too. We just try to have fun together by doing something a little out of the ordinary. 

For us, our marriage is our top priority. It doesn't matter what else is happening if we're not on the same team? Our jobs and our kids won't contribute to our happiness the same way our marriage does. We do our jobs better when Will and I support each other in those endeavors. We raise our children better when they know their parents love and support each other as well as themselves. This is all a season, but if we treat each other poorly because life is going poorly, then we are not living out our vows.

Nutrition

For the past two months, I have put WAY more vegetables into my diet and lost 5 lbs so far. I do not like vegetables very much, but I'm always hungry. I am practicing the art of meal planning. Sometimes, it goes really well and I prep in advance and it's awesome. Sometimes, I just wing it. That works out too, especially if I have the ingredients already in the fridge.

Last night, we ordered pizza. This week, I'm fixing ham and lentil soup (for Will), Pioneer Woman's Hamburger soup (for me - vegetable hardy!), and trying out a few recipes in my new Mark Bittman cookbook. Stay tuned. I also try to take a lot of vitamins and my PPD medicine every day.

I don't have any secrets for meal planning - stay realistic, stay consistent, and know what works. I found two amazing prep recipes for chicken breasts and chicken thighs, which helps with the weekly meals. Carb, protein, vegetable; dairy and fruit in between meals. Keep the sweets away from me, Satan!

Schedule

Julie, you have told me nothing about having kids. What is going on in this post?? Look ladies- whether you are a SAHM, WAHM (like me), or working outside the home, you must take care of yourself. It's not a luxury. Little babies depend sosososo much on their mamas.

We keep a pretty strict schedule dictated by: meals, therapy, Grace's preschool, my teaching, rest/bed time, and (as of this week) exercise. These are all non-negotiable. I am also adding in 4 p.m. exercise for myself, because I am usually tired then, but it's the most convenient. I also feel way better when I am exercising regularly, mentally and physically.

For those who have small children who do not nap any more, I strongly encourage you to create some sort of rest period with them. If Grace refuses to nap, she still has to do a quiet activity or lay on the couch with her her blanket. She, like me, gets overstimulated and extra cranky when tired.

Keep a strict schedule and be flexible when necessary. Be willing to throw yourself on the couch and watch t.v. instead of folding laundry. Ha, you're right--who folds laundry?

Spirituality

I try to reading the mass readings every day, thanks to the Magnificat subscription my Dad bought for me. Sometimes I remember, sometimes I don't. I pray every day even if it to say, "LORD BE WITH ME PLEEEEEEEEEASE ttyl". Keeping in touch with God is very important in my life. Mass every week is hard, and we're currently going to mass separately. Flu season/ constant runny noses + agile children is not a great combination.

Trust Yourself.

I have a group of friends who are in the same season as me, and this has taught me that, no matter what path we're walking, we're the only ones who can do it. Only I can take care of my three children. I can ask for help, I can ask for advice, I can get help - but at the end of the day, I am their mother. Period. I decide what their schedule is, what their activities will be, what will happen when they are naughty, how to celebrate life, and be there for all the in-between moments. Every mom needs to turn off the FOMO radar, close your eyes, and accept your life. Whatever it is, you are in control over your attitude and decisions. No one else can be the heroine of this story.

Work it out

I repeat: if you do not take care of yourself, you cannot take care of others.

But sometimes, it's just making the day work for you. If you've made a delicious meal for your kids but you spent the whole time yelling at them, then you are probably an empty well in need of a spa day. That means, if Will is working late (or at all), and I am tired, we embrace a meal I call "toddler tapas". This means I lay out beach blankets for a picnic, and the girls get to decide on what snacks will become their dinner. You know what? THEY LOVE IT. We watch a show, we eat a semi-balanced meal, and then we get ready for bed. Motherhood should be fun. And even when it's not, you have the power to give the kids early bed time if the crankiness is unreal. Work it out, mama. You've got this.

**

I recognize that each of these topics could have plenty more posts written, but we'll save those for another day so I stop putting off publishing this one. So here's a picture of me and my new bunny sweater. Keeps me warm and it's adorable.

Hey y'all, it's me, Julie...

A final note: I don't necessarily recommend people having three kids under three. Will and I are not a "have as many children as possible" couple. I do not believe "be fruitful and multiply" means this because we, as parents, have a moral responsibility towards the care of our children. But we did want our kids to grow up close in age, and even though it is pretty dang hard, it is a season. I recognize this, embrace it, and pass on my wisdom.

Okay, one more note: I read an article that is similar to this one and the mom says she cleans the house before she leaves it and that works for her. That doesn't work for me. You do you, mama. I believe in you!!!!

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#write31days: Fulton Sheen on Value

“Let those who think their work has no value recognize that by fulfilling their insignificant tasks out of love of God, those tasks assume supernatural worth. The aged who bear the taunts of the young, the sick crucified to their beds, the street cleaner and the garbage collector, the chorus girl who never had a line, the unemployed carpenter – all these will be enthroned above dictators, presidents, kings, and Cardinals if a greater love of God inspires their humbler tasks than inspires those who play nobler roles with less love." - Archbishop Fulton Sheen

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#write31days: Are You Depressed Because You Have Three Kids Under Three?

This is the big question. I feel this is often an underlined in conversations, if not specifically mentioned.

My opinion is NOPE.

Three under three means I have less time for socializing, need to organize more and maybe definitely affects how scatter-brained I am.

But these kids actually keep me sane because I love them so so so much. Maybe that is not the way for everyone, but it is for me. If anything, I am more contemptuous of anyone else who discusses my kids or my parenting in ways my brain perceives as vaguely condescending.

(Perceives, of course, is the key word.)

It's the most favorite phrase I hear: "You have your hands full!"

I usually reply that, I have one hand free (chuckle, I'm so clever), or, I'm baby wearing!, or, UP YOURS. (Sort of kidding on the last one.)

A better reply: Hands full, heart full! 

If you can't believe that you're seeing a person who has one to multiple children, here's what you can say:

1. She/ He/ They're so beautiful!
2. You are a lucky mama!
3. Just smile and say nothing. (Because you don't have to say ANYTHING, since you usually do not know the person in the slightest.) 

What then? Say nothing, yes; instead, practice acts of mercy. Few people are interested in unsolicited opinions. How are your actions going to reflect love?

My friend Maria just sent me a couple of weeks worth of dinner. Praise the LORD. I'll only have to worry about the kids, which is easy enough. I am still in awe at her thoughtfulness. I've had a few friends send me cards to say Hi, I love you. That's it. That's what I need - support and love.

We Catholics have a moral obligation to participate in the Corporal Works of Mercy and the Spiritual Works of Mercy. I know for me, I am especially practicing "bearing wrongs patiently" these days... I am often impatient. It stings me to recognize how impatient I can be, but the self-awareness which comes from my healing is a blessing indeed.

Many cases of depression swirl around the idea that the mother is not enough; and in some ways, this thought is right - no one person can *do* enough. But each person has the intrinsic value and dignity of *being enough*. We all must show through our actions and words that this is the case, and try to undermine the false demons.

Favorite things to mail new mothers:
1. Anything  aden+anais (e.g. soft bibs, blankets)
2. Starbucks gift card
3. Any type of gift card involved in expedient purchases
4. wipes + dipes
5. a little luxuries box - this is much more individualized, but: a new water bottle, nail polish, easy breakfast options, a good pair of socks, flavored sparkling water, a favorite magazine, a Netflix gift card (or Hulu!), a box of tea/ bag of coffee... really, anything you feel a mother would enjoy. {I'll write more on creative gift ideas soon. This is a favorite activity of mine!}

The same goes for the depressed mother. I like to send belated gifts because once the routine has set in, it's nice to receive something to know I remember that they have a baby at home and I am thinking of them. I tend to send mother-centric gifts, because she needs to know that people care, even when she feels alone and overwhelmed. Babies are need love, feedings and changings, and the emotional energy is going 24/7.

When in doubt, if money is tight, just send a card.

It really is the little things.


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My "rules" for this series are short (especially before commenting): this topic is personal and I am currently living in it. This is not an abstract for a dissertation. I do not have 20/20 hindsight yet. I don't need any medical advice, as I keep in close communication with my own PA + Dr., as well as being married to one. My husband and I practice many different types of coping mechanisms as well, which I will write about too. My situation is 100 percent unique and I am writing only about myself. These posts are directed at no one, and still, I am opening myself up to share my experiences. If I can help one person, it will be worth it. Please respect this adult conversation at face value.

**

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#write31days: PostPartum Depression - How Did You Know? // Introduction and Rules of Engagement

Last October, I attempted #write31days but without a serious mindset... quantity really- I wanted to write more. And I did! It was great. Today, I am starting this challenge over with a more guided topic. Postpartum depression.

I discussed ideas with a few friends, and this topic came up multiple times. How do you handle PPD as a Catholic women? How do you handle it with residency? How do you handle it with multiple children? What does it feel like? What should others know about PPD? The questions went on and on...

My "rules" for this series are short: this topic is personal and I am currently living in it. This is not an abstract for a dissertation. I do not have 20/20 hindsight yet. I don't need any medical advice, as I keep in close communication with my own PA + Dr., as well as being married to one. My husband and I practice many different types of coping mechanisms as well, which I will write about too. My situation is 100 percent unique and I am writing only about myself. These posts are directed at no one, and still, I am opening myself up to share my experiences. If I can help one person, it will be worth it. Please respect this adult conversation at face value.

**

How do you know you are depressed (PPD) and it's not just the baby blues?

This is the number one question many women ask. I am on baby number three in three years. Shockingly to many, this is not the cause of my depression. My depression has to do (mainly) with external factors in my life which I do not have [much] control over. I mention this because I have bonded with my third child wonderfully, just like I did with my other two.

I mention this because many women dismiss their feelings because they do not fall into the normal realm of what depression looks like. If you are taking anything your baby does personally, that should be a warning sign. A baby is for cuddling and feeding. A baby wants love and affection, and cries because something is wrong - or nothing is wrong! All three of my children spent the first month or two of their lives crying "just because"... baby wearing, baby swinging, and being okay with crying.

My main symptoms are anger and irritability. Everything bugs me - but what sends me over the edge is the perpetual whining of my three year old. Grace repeats herself constantly, and this is normal! There is nothing wrong with this! But for me, it was nails on a chalkboard. Combine this with anxiety if the house descends into madness (thanks, Laura); if I've forgotten something I am supposed to do; if I watch time tock by, paralyzed by what I should do...

This is not a normal response to stress. This is, at the very least, a reason to talk to a medical professional. If you have a feeling something is off, your intuition is probably right. Don't ignore it.

I knew something was wrong when Grace began whining and I just had to leave the room; I wanted to punch the wall repeatedly. I called the phone nurse at my OB's office, and as I told her my symptoms, I started sobbing.

I am currently taking medicine, which I will address in another post. Medicine combined with exercise and other coping mechanisms for healthy living is key - we cannot expect medicine alone to "fix" my feelings, anymore than we should think "natural living" is enough for women to cope.

With my first two children, I would feel sad and overwhelmed and stressed from time to time... with Stephen, there were times when I wanted to leave the house. I wanted to punch the wall; I wanted to cry and yell; I wanted to curl up in a ball and ignore everyone. These are not normal response to stress. My medicine is only 20 mg, but it is enough. When I hear whining, I can respond calmly or ignore it. I can find order in the chaos and I can laugh. I am 110 percent a better mother taking medicine, and I feel much more like myself.

And this is really the most telling part of depression - I didn't feel like myself. I didn't know this version of Julie, and I didn't like it. I love my family and I wanted to enjoy these young days. This is why I sought help and now, this is why I am writing about postpartum depression and anxiety. The only thing to fear is *not* accepting help. Don't try to rationalize your feelings or dismiss them. If you need help, ask for it. This is scary, and that is okay.

Before Grace's eye surgery; when I had first started medication

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Bless Us O Lord, and These Thy Gifts, Which You are About to Grade...

What would you do if you could NOT fail?

Absolutely NOT fail.

NOT.

NOT POSSIBLE.

When my students and I study history, we're studying what happened - mistakes, humans, innovation, power grabs, glory, false pride and unbearable arrogance; then again: virtue, peace, honor, loyalty and adventure. There is plenty of failure in history - failure to understand, failure to compromise, failure to integrate, failure to say "enough"... we study history so as to not repeat the failures, hopefully, among other better reasons.

Then, I'm out of the classroom and I'm just Mom. I'm fixing dinner and fixing hair.

That's life; there is no failure possible. There is no timeline, there is only now. If there is any failure, it's failure to love - failure to be kind, failure to be patient. Lately, while I have not been blogging, I've been meal planning (my new sport), re-arranging our house, massively purging, too much laundry, and backing out of over-commitments. It's been very refreshing. I've also been bowing out of time commitments, including being editor in chief of Ignitum Today. It just was not a good outlet for me, and life is too short to overcommit. I'll keep writing and editing a few people, but I'm lowering my expectations of output into the world. I'm taking a break from graduate school; some days I wonder if I should even be there. My home base matters the most.

I'm not the boss of my house. I don't run my house like a company, and I certainly lack the organization to even claim non-profit status. Ever since Laura dumped out all our Very Important Papers (shame on me for leaving the lid unlocked one day), I'm re-arranging and re-organzing everything. I like it. It's a slow process, and I like learning how I like things as I go along.

I was telling my dad how I almost signed up for a painting class. As I embrace my avocation as an artist, and start to branch out more regularly into my art, a class seemed like a natural next step. Then I laughed. The girls are in swim lessons right now, and I'm still in the beginning of the school year. I need to let myself wait for another season, and just play around with my paints and ideas for now.

It's natural to want to master something, and everything. Have the right opinions, know everything already. Maybe that is why I like being a teacher - you realize that there is always something to learn. There is nothing wrong with being a novice, perhaps perpetually. It's that learning curve we're all chasing.

Well, I'm done running. After life, at least. The greatest advice I ever got (thanks Meg!) was to jump off the hamster wheel, because when you have a child with special needs, everything changes. Mostly,  hard-earned joy. I love having a reason to say NOPE WE'RE DOING IT OUR WAY. Because of Grace? Sure. And Laura, Stephen, Will and me too. We all have different needs, and that's how we direct our family. As we reach the end of residency, I cannot dismiss the life Will and I lead before he gets a "real" job. Our life isn't defined by his employment. Our worth isn't wrapped up success. We love each other because we belong to each other, as a family.

So no, I can't fail at being a mom. I might be running late or ignoring the pile of boxes from Amazon or [fill in the blank], but IT HAPPENS. Will overcooked the spinach ravioli and we both rolled with it. Grace refused to eat her birthday dinner but devoured her birthday cake. Laura wrecks the house again? Doesn't mean I did not just clean it. Stephen gets up multiple time during the night so I'm yawning in class? Yep. Who knows what is next, or even the plan this weekend? Not this girl. That is a win in my book.

**

I've heard from a lot of friends that they are "failing"... but to fail in my history classes, you don't show up to class and you don't do the work. No matter your vocation in life, few people do neither. Way to go, you! God only asks what is possible.

**

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28).

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Happy Life, Messy Wife

A few nights ago, I felt upset. It's hard to distinguish, sometimes, between burn-out, postpartum depression and exasperation. Our babysitter cancelled, Will was half-awake after a night shift and dinner was not made. Laura dumped out all our shoes again. I had cleaned the whole house earlier and felt so good... Then the girls did not nap; then no relief; then no time to prep for the next day's lesson; then up too late. I was falling down and only a zillion chocolate chip cookies (which we had none) would numb the pain. But then Will said something and, as uninspired as it was, it was the kick that told me: messes come and go. You matter. Messes don't.

I'm listening to The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin on Audible. I like it so much that I sent it home and told my Dad that the family should read this together. The Apple blurb says,

Gretchen Rubin had an epiphany one rainy afternoon in the unlikeliest of places: a city bus. “The days are long, but the years are short,” she realized. “Time is passing, and I’m not focusing enough on the things that really matter.” In that moment, she decided to dedicate a year to her happiness project. 

In this lively and compelling account—now updated with new material by the author—Rubin chronicles her adventures during the twelve months she spent test-driving the wisdom of the ages, current scientific research, and lessons from popular culture about how to be happier. Among other things, she found that novelty and challenge are powerful sources of happiness; that money can help buy happiness, when spent wisely; that outer order contributes to inner calm; and that the very smallest of changes can make the biggest difference. 

The biggest part about happiness is the necessity of growth and pushing one's self outside our personal comfort zone and accept failure (and embrace the fun of failure!) as a necessary part of living. Building habits, asking for help and scale back on obligations. All of these experiences she discussed came with a head nod... yes, mm, yes. But action is harder.

I am (also/still) listening to a podcast my art history teacher recommended to me. (Pro tip: stay in touch with your favorite professors/ teachers. They will continue to enrich your life with their love, wit and wisdom!) It's called Magic Lessons by Elizabeth Gilbert, and it is all about the creative life and the creative process.

I miss my creative process. I miss the ability to stay up late and write and re-write and laugh and talk and color and write letters to friends and re-write... my creative process has been replaced by a need to re-organize my house and regulate toys and re-arrange our schedule and meal plan and lesson plan and

no wonder.

no wonder I am just so tired when the evening hits that I don't finish post after post after post.

I am a creative soul, and my cup is dry.

But my heart is hopeful.

I bought acrylic paints and canvases a few months ago because I saw them on sale.

I thought, I took Studio I-III and Mixed Media in high school!

I thought, It's been too long.

I thought, I'm scared to open them.

I thought, I'm ready. 

**

In the meantime - here's to more messes.

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NFP as a Mama of Three

It's the end of NFP Awareness Week, so I'm going to throw in a few cents as a mama with three kids under three.

Natural Family Planning is getting to know the woman's fertility through various means (mucus, hormone monitor, basal thermometer, etc.) and then, making a decision about when to have sex in order to avoid, conceive or whatever. This is called TTA (trying to avoid), TTC (trying to conceive) and TTW (trying to whatever).

We have a child from each of these. Grace was a TTW - we were open to having a baby, and based on where I was in my cycle, we had a 5 percent chance of conceiving. Laura was TTC - we wanted to have another baby close to Grace. Stephen was TTA - the postpartum method we were using was not successful, and his conception was considered a method failure. This does not mean that NFP = children even when you are avoiding. Plenty of people successfully avoid using the same method. To me, this means that God wanted Stephen in our lives. I cannot imagine life without this chunky monkey. Practically, I also changed how I track my fertility postpartum!

This time around, I started charting with my teacher before my 56 days were up. After a lady has a baby, she is definitely infertile for the first 56 days. After that, even if you are breastfeeding, your fertility can come back (as we learned) before the usual six months. It is unusual, but it does happen.

We are currently using the Marquette method and working closely with a wonderful teacher as we navigate the postpartum period. Since I do not have any health problems we have to work around, this is the easiest method for us. Every morning, I pee on a stick (we buy with Amazon's subscribe and save - a steal! Especially with five or more items, you get a 15 percent discount) and my ClearBlue monitor (Also on sale with Prime currently) tells me if my fertility is low, high, or peak.

From the Marquette website:

The Marquette Model (MM) system of NFP brings 21st century technology to NFP by using the ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor, a device used at home which measures hormone levels in urine to estimate the beginning and end of the time of fertility in a women's menstrual cycle. The information from the monitor can be used in conjunction with observations of cervical mucus, basal body temperature, or other biological indicators of fertility. The MM was developed by professional nurses and physicians at Marquette University in the late 1990s. A recent (2007) study published in the Journal of Obstetric, Gynecologic, and Neonatal Nursing demonstrated a 97-98% efficacy of the MM in avoiding pregnancy when taught by a qualified teacher and correctly applied.

There is more protocol in terms of how many days one should avoid post-peak, and postpartum pre-peak vs. postpartum post-peak, but that is not what this post is about. This post is about why Will and I choose NFP over other methods.

The easiest place to start is our faith. We're Roman Catholic, and as part of our Christian faith, we practice total fidelity. We do not use artificial contraception. The Church does not require us to use NFP, but it does advocate responsible parenthood. "Be fruitful and multiple" does not mean have more children than your sanity, bank account and body can handle. The Church's teaching must be seen through the eyes of total love; it is for communion of body and soul, not a separation.

That being said, NFP is not a Catholic-only method. I know many non-Catholics who use it. Leah Libresco, a Catholic convert from atheism, recently wrote on learning NFP while engaged. She recommends Toni Weschler’s Taking Charge of Your Fertility, which teaches FAM - Fertility Awareness Method, or NFP + barrier methods during avoiding times. TCOYF is the definitive text for learning about one's fertility, reproductive health and charting. This is not only for married folk - charting is the best way to understand how your body is working, and learning to recognize  and interpret changes.

Next, is science. Unlike the popular myth that all NFP methods are the same (or the rhythm method), a woman's fertility is unique and scientists like those at Marquette University, or Dr. Hilgers with his Creighton method, are actively studying women's fertility and have proven, peer-reviewed methods of helping women avoid and achieve pregnancy when practiced correctly. I say "correctly" because this is the danger of NFP - a woman can get pregnant. But this happens to people using birth control methods as well, so I'm nonplussed about this part. I truly think that NFP is as valid a method to avoid and achieve, with the bonus of *knowing* one's fertility (no more guesswork!) and creating an incredible bond with your spouse.

We use the Kindara app to chart - so well organized and a beautiful design. I love that I can add-in more information than what is provided already too.

Finally: love. There is nothing more trust-building than two spouses on board with fertility planning. The husband is equally as involved as his wife; he carries responsibility as she does. This is not always easy. Will and I did not pick NFP because we enjoy this challenge; but is it worth it? Absolutely. We practice fidelity to one another; open communication; incredible vulnerability; respect and acceptance of the total person; value and honor for God's design; true self-sacrifice. The benefits, for us, outweigh the fear.

True love must know sacrifice. This is why our wedding vows speak of leaving our mother and father and joining to our spouse. The current statistics on divorce is about 50 percent**, which is terrifying. NFP users have a lower rate - hovering around 9.5 percent. Having sex is not just for creating a child. It's also for bonding! But the accountability and responsibility is still there, and we take that seriously.

It's hard to be pregnant. It might not seem that way, especially coming from someone who has had three successful pregnancies in three years. We were open to that. We were open to that challenge. I would not recommend this path to most people, but we feel very blessed to have our three children and be in a position to care for them. It should not, however, and is not to be taken for granted. People love asking if we're done now that we've had our boy. Hopefully not! Will and I are still discerning, as is part of our marriage.

**
"Which Method of NFP Is Right For Me?" quiz

**

I love strolling down memory lane. I love thinking about all the walks we went on while dating and engaged; hiking and talking about Big, Philosophical questions and telling stories and discussing what we wanted in life. Will and I decided that we wanted to spend our lives together - eating and grocery shopping; chores and cleaning up after little people; in good times and in bad; in morning sickness and in health. I thought I loved Will when we got engaged, and even more when we got married. And I did. I love him even more now. Be assured that marriage is hard for us too, and NFP is harder. There is a lot of dying to self. NFP strips away the pretension and the pride, and leaves us to face our own reality. Each NFP experience is unique, and I like knowing that it is part of our love story. It's anecdotal evidence, but in the search for fullness of the human experience, what else is there?

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** EDIT: A friend sent me this article, which says that divorce rate is well below 50 now and that this statistic is incorrect. Happy to hear!

Climb Every Mountain

Once we finished breakfast, Laura resumed her favorite activity of standing against the window. It's freezing cold outside, and we were not going anywhere near that windchill.

She can climb up on the couch now, using the little step stool, and up on the edge. And when Laura's done, she can slide herself off the couch via belly. I've always thought the couch was a nice height when Grace was learning to creep, but it's absolutely fascinating watching my ten month old become so mobile. 

She's simply fearless, for better and worse. I've always been more cautious, and I love encouraging my daughter in a safe zone of exploration. 

Will is "gone" for the month - Philadelphia for his pediatric ED and ICU rotations. Fortunately, he's off on Wednesday and Thursday so he can come back for Journal Club and Grand Rounds and I am thrilled. Throughout the month, we'll visit him when we can, and he'll come back too. 

I'm using the time to purge the house. This means I am cleaning out nooks and crannies, and whenever Grace finds something she enjoyed as a baby, she must re-enjoy it. 

Remember how small she used to be? Actually fitting in this car seat! (Bought for her first plane ride at almost 3 months old - going home for Thanksgiving and her baptism.) She's growing up so fast.

Suddenly, it was nap time. You know this time: the girls start rubbing their eyes and fighting a bit more and demanding the iPad. Okay! Everyone upstairs! I lift them over the gate for a race - Grace always wins. Laura always makes sure I'm coming too. 

Today was the first day back at school. Honestly, I'm not ready to be back. I had a great first class and really loved it, but there's still a lot to do before the end of the semester in three weeks. Oh well! We press on; keep climbing. I walked out of the room to prepare lunch post-nap and returned to this:

Sigh. NO TABLE. 

//

After dinner, we cleaned up together and went off to play and FaceTime with Dad. Unfortunately, this is much less exciting than trying to tear down the gate (even though it is also tied into place). Laura is just so amazing. I love watching the way her mind works and she tries to understand the world. Fortunately, when I re-direct her (which happens one hundred times a day), she never gets upset but moves seamlessly into the next adventure. 

Surprise, surprise! Our [opened] Christmas presents from Nana and Pappy arrive! Time to climb. 

The transformation from baby to toddler is fun with Grace. Earlier today, she helped me scramble the eggs and then put the lid on leftovers from lunch. As her language and movements are improving greatly, I am starting to look into a special needs homeschool pre-school program put out by Memoria Press. (Disclosure: I work for their online school.) Level A looks perfect for Grace, and I would not have said that when she first turned 2. Amazing what a couple more months of therapy can do!!

As a result, I can see how Grace teaches Laura as well, and that just warms a mama's heart. They are really transforming into the best of sisters and friends, and even though it is a lot more work up front, I am excited we're having the kids so close together. 

After a total meltdown near the end of Dad's call, I ask Grace if she's tired and ready for bed, and she says "yes." So, up the stairs we go! The final ascent of the day. 

I have a hard time capturing still photos these days, but what's the saying? A ship is safe in the port, but that's not why it was built. Here's to another day, another climb, and more adventures with my girls.

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What's Your Normal?

A few nights ago, I sat on the couch, watching Grace and Laura play with the same Melissa and Doug fruit puzzle - which means Grace is saying "No no no no no!" and Laura is grabbing at every piece she can. Will's ER shift goes till 2 a.m., so I was playing zone defense. When the fighting starts (mainly Grace getting territorial), it was time to break out the blocks. I build towers for Laura to knock over, and Grace built her own too.

After I finally got them to bed, I collapsed on the couch to eat second dinner and watch the latest episode of Bones before beginning the Great Cleaning Escapade of Late Night. Which means, no vacuuming till morning, but at least the dishwasher was loaded and unloaded and all the extra food cleaned up or thrown away. I tried to work on my philosophy (I have my last paper due on Saturday), but since I turned in a post two days ago, I let myself have a mental break. (Which is now over!)

Morning happens when I wake up before my alarm clock, check on the girls through the video monitor (still sleeping, high five ladies!), and fall back to sleep until my alarm actually goes off, which corresponds perfectly to Laura popping her head up and deciding the day begins NOW. Grace is sleeping in, which is uncharacteristic, but she's going through a nice growth spurt - two more inches and two more pounds in the past few months.

Breakfast is my favorite meal of the day, so we prefer to have a more luxurious meal - even if time is shorter. We like milk, oatmeal, yogurt, apple slices [Cortland is a new favorite!], and/ or english muffins. Wegmans (our favorite grocery store) has the most delicious seasonal bread - cranberry orange. We're enjoying this treat as toast lately. I've thought about introducing Grace to hot chocolate as it's getting so cold out (she loves sipping on our coffee), but then... all that sugar. We hardly let her drink juice, so I think hot chocolate should be preserved as a special day treat. Any thoughts on that? Or experiences?

The nice part of this week is that I am off school - teaching, that is. We celebrated Thanksgiving on Tuesday because Will was off (otherwise, night shift till the weekend). We will go over to his married attendings's house for a department Thanksgiving once he wakes up too, which will be nice change of scenery and to see more colleagues of his than I usually do.

I'm working at capacity right now, especially at distracting little hands from my laptop. (Okay, climb into my lap and we'll read a book.) Paper due, final exams next week, grading due (for my own students), and we're going to a wedding this weekend, so packing for two small children and all their potential needs ain't no thang. Thank goodness for all the leftover feast right?!

Last week, I got an e-mail inviting me to apply for a job that - a few years ago - I would have taken in a heartbeat. What do we call those jobs? Former dreams? Without sounding too depressing, of course, because I'm creating new dreams. But: managing editor, traveling, speaking, testifying and lots of writing.

Like a tall glass of water on a hot day, I drank that e-mail and then told Will about how delicious the job sounded. He asked if I wanted to apply and I told him honestly: no. I cannot imagine traveling so much with the girls and Will's schedule. Besides, journalism is not my passion any more. The farther away I get from it, I wonder if it ever was... the experience was essential, and I have no regrets pursuing it. But I like having the opportunity to shut the door. I can say, I did it well! And be done.

I'm in the midst of changing my dreams, and changing my reality. It's good, it's hard, and it's about being me vs. becoming me. I'm writing less, and I'm loving more. My normal is class prep, class time, Grace's therapies (she has another speech therapist now! Yay! The wait is over!), taking care of our home, running errands, family time, study time, couple time and me time. It's getting colder out, so I've cut out exercise time... but I have workout DVDs, so the excuses are limited. Besides, this is the time to stay healthy, right?

With Will's job, I hear a lot of stories, and some of them are really tragic. They make me think, Is it worth the stress of extra $$ to finish an article? Sometimes, yes, sure. But we've cut out most extras, so that saves a bundle of money this year to pay for our second student loan kicking in, more baby food, and soon, more diapers.

What?! Another Baldwin baby? Are Will and Julie crazy?! I'll admit, two of Grace's therapists burst out laughing when they heard. Not in a malicious way - more in a, Oh, you two!! I'm the first to admit, it's not everyone's style. Residency, by itself, is a stressful time - and Will starts job searching next spring. I'm still teaching part-time, Grace will still be in therapy, and Laura is still moving faster than you. Life is uncertain - another little person to take care of is no chump change. 

We're really excited. God has such a special plan for this baby, and honestly? We're already rolling in the baby life. I'm the first to admit that we're pretty isolated here - no family, closest friends are in NYC, the occasional play group, and plenty of trips to the hospital to take dinner to Dad and say hi to the department. The support we've already received, and will continue to receive, makes me feel even better about bringing this baby into a scary, uncertain world we live in today. This baby is going to know love, be loved, and share in love. 

As Advent approaches, and we wait for the Christ to enter into our world, we will know the beauty of babies. We will know new beginnings and we will "be not afraid" of what is to come. I am grateful for my friends, far away and online, and my blog readers. I am grateful for my extended family, my immediate family, and in-laws (+siblings) who truly do feel like family. I am grateful for our little family: my hilarious husband, my spunky Grace, my sweet Laura, and my growing bebe. I am grateful that God is with us on this journey of crooked paths. 

I hope you are grateful for your normal (whatever it is!), and I wish you all a very, very happy Thanksgiving! 

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