I'm a Christian and a Feminist: Come At Me, Bro.

As with any good discussion, we must agree on terms:

What is a Christian?

A follower of Jesus of Nazareth; a believer in his teachings, and a member of his church on earth. 

What is a feminist?

A person who supports women's rights on the basis of the equality of the sexes.

What does a feminist believe?

Women should be equal to men, and if they are not, action should be taken to promote equality.

What is equality?

The state of being equal, especially in status, rights, and opportunities.

Are we on the same page? Oh, goody. If you agree with the above, then you are a Christian and a feminist as well. If you do not think Christianity is compatible with feminism, then this is my ladysplainin' to why it's important (even if you don't identify with as a feminist, which is cool, yo).

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To start, let's start with a brief discussion of patriarchy, defined as a group organized by men as leaders; e.g. a lineage with the father or eldest male being the head of the family.

This is a neutral term. I do not have an overall issue with patriarchy: I believe in Apostolic succession, men as priests, and hey! I took my husband's last name.

There are so many issues I want to cover, but I need to stay concise.

I have an issue with patriarchy presented as anti-feminist. Feminists are not fire-breathing dragons which chivalrous knights need to slay to protect their womenfolk. Nay! Feminists are not a one size fits all group. Their common link is an active desire for the socio-political and economic equality of women and men. This noble cause does not mean all feminists are great people; but every organization needs a few a-holes for humility purposes.

Patriarch who was pro-women? Jesus. If you're a Christian, He's the guy (God) you want to listen to on this:

"Jesus, the founder of the faith, did indeed live in a male-dominated society, but he was radical in how he rebelled against the cultural values of his age. His treatment of women pushed far beyond his society’s boundaries to love and honor women in ways never before seen. The gospels tell of his extraordinary conduct towards women, which takes on a radical nature when considered in the context of the oppressive environment for women in the Ancient Middle East. By looking at Jesus’ actions through the proper lens, I want to demonstrate that Christianity was instituted with a profoundly pro-women attitude" (CJ Curtis, "Jesus and Women: Rebelling against Misogyny", The Augustine Collective).

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Next: we don't need feminism.

This is probably the most debatable amongst people who see more equality on a regular basis. For me, women got the right to vote less than 100 years ago. As much as we pride ourselves as progressive people, humans actually need at least 100 years for real change to occur organically - even with legislation supporting it.

My big (anecdotal) sticking point for why we need feminism is the blatant misogyny (defined as "dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against women") which occurs against certain types of women. For example, feminists themselves. We can't accept that they have different ideas, so we call them fat, man-hating cows because that is a scientifically proven way to change a person's mind. And what about pro-life ladies? You mean, anti-abortion, anti-women nazis? Yep. We need to change the attitude and conversation there too.

Feminists have room for improvement too. And if you want to have a conversation, you need to show that you're genuinely interested in the person, not just making a point.

I am a conservative, and it greatly me that feminism is such a derisive idea - how else can we call for the preservation of a culture without the strength of women?!?

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The elephant in the room/ why people say Christians cannot be feminists: BUT FEMINISTS SUPPORT/ GET ABORTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay. Yes. And no. But yes. As a Christian, I am against abortions. As a feminist, I am against abortions. I am for preserving and protecting life at every stage - especially little women! Check out the female birth rates in China and India. Our tithing as the Baldwin family is mostly split between the church, the woman's shelter near our parish, and the homeless shelter down the street from the hospital.

Still. As a woman who has been pregnant three times... I get it. I do not agree with it, but I understand why women want other women to have access to abortions. I had three really hard pregnancies, even with all the medicine and support readily available to me. I know women deserve better. I want babies to go to loving homes. Will sees people who should not be parents have a lot of kids and the poverty cycles continue. It is truly heartbreaking. We need more empathy in the public discussion on this.

(And I'mma pause you right there if you start to move toward the comment box to mansplain or momsplain the gift of children to me. I know the beauty, and I know the sorrow, connected with my little human beings in my care. Will and I are dedicated to our children, and we're currently facing a reality that another child right now might emotionally break me because of my PPD. Unfortunately, not all women have amazing and supportive husbands like my own.)

So! Instead of viewing these women as selfish, start viewing these women as scared human beings; start seeing that these women need support and love; start acting like you give a damn about the woman in question; and most importantly, stop blaming the woman for getting pregnant. A woman is fertile about 6-8 days/month and a man is fertile every single day. Mhm.

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Abortion is wrong. Period. The pro-life movement tries to show that, but as I mentioned before, every movement has the a-holes which ruin the message for others. This is another reason why is it SO important for we, as Christian women and men, to stand up as feminists. We must be seen as allies, not enemies.

Feminists do not all agree. And that is okay. That is bi-partisanship. That is community. As my college friend Hannah commented on this issue,

"I'll refer you to a quote I love from Sarah Bessey's Jesus Feminist:
"As long as I know how important maternal health is to Haiti’s future, and as long as I know that women are being abused and raped, as long as I know girls are being denied life itself through selective abortion, abandonment, and abuse, as long as brave little girls in Afghanistan are attacked with acid for the crime of going to school, and until being a Christian is synonymous with doing something about these things, you can also call me a feminist.”
Because while it should be always synonymous, too often people twist Christianity to support agendas of abuse, neglect, and cruelty."

So, please. Enough with telling women that they should smile and they should radiate rainbows and never fart and look pretty and stop talking and sit down and always ask, Please, sir? Can I have another? Please. Just stop telling us what we can or cannot be. If you, dear reader, value equality, then you are not threatened by strong women. You can handle room for improvement. You encourage women in their pursuits and do not say, Thank God you are not like other women! Oh! NO. To be a woman is a far better experience than the way we dress or act or speak. The beauty of womanhood is in our sisterhood - our feminine genius, our creativity, our passion, our tribal protection of our own, our ambitions and our grit to right wrongs.

Our femininity does not detract from another's masculinity. We are not here to challenge. We are here to be ourselves and preserve ourselves. We are not here to ask permission to exist and have wants, needs and desires, or to serve. Feminism says, We can have all of these things. We can choose. We can choose to be a wife, we can choose to be a mother, we can choose to work, we can choose to travel, and our worth is not dictated by our actions or looks. We are DAUGHTERS of the Lord, and we laugh and dance because it pleases Him for us to be fully alive.

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My "rules" for this series are short (especially before commenting): this topic is personal and I am currently living in it. This is not an abstract for a dissertation. I do not have 20/20 hindsight yet. I don't need any medical advice, as I keep in close communication with my own PA + Dr., as well as being married to one. My husband and I practice many different types of coping mechanisms as well, which I will write about too. My situation is 100 percent unique and I am writing only about myself. These posts are directed at no one, and still, I am opening myself up to share my experiences. If I can help one person, it will be worth it. Please respect this adult conversation at face value.

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Goals for Grace, Grief for Me

"We have joy in our days. There’s sadness, too, but we move on." - Scott Watkins on his wife's life-threatening allergies (including to himself).

This line really struck me. I am currently going through a grief cycle with Grace. As I read in another blog post, the grief will probably never end. It will come and go in waves, and just as I adapt to the "new normal", she'll have a new bridge to cross, and we'll figure out another new normal.

My number one goal for her is to be independent. She is a strong, brave toddler. In fact, as I was typing the earlier part, I noticed how quiet she was... because she was in the kitchen, pushing a chair to the counter to get gummy bunnies. Instead of this being a mama's fear, it becomes my pride and joy. I tell her not to push a chair in the kitchen and to ask mom for help; she is rewarded with gummy bunnies. (But just one pack.)

Grace exploring after pre-school yesterday

My number two goal is for her to know her own dignity and strength. Before driving to Ohio for a wedding, we tried a dress on Grace. She exclaimed, "I am so beautiful!" I love that. We should all think so highly of ourselves. On the other side it, I am trying to teach Grace to trust her body more. She has the strength and the ability, but her balance is weak. We work on stairs a lot. I'm trying to teach her to be okay with falling. We all fall, physically and otherwise, because we are human. It's the attitude about falling that separates us between existing and thriving.

Grace on a trek through the snow

My number three goal is to keep up a "try" mentality. There are always going to be experiences and people telling Grace what she can and cannot do. My parents used to tell me that I wasn't a math person because I've always struggled with numbers (turns out I have dyslexia, but that is a different story). I recognize that they were trying to lessen the brunt of my struggles. The more they told me that when I struggled, the more it cemented. The more I became resigned to a calculator. My brilliant husband, on the other hand, constantly challenges me to do mental math and introduces me to games to help me practice these mental olympics. By pushing myself as an adult, I feel the importance of continuous trying.

A while back, I posted this story on my instagram: One of the biggest question marks for me is how best to push Grace in practical ways. There are so many things we do with both hands!! Fortunately, Grace is extremely self-motivated and always asking me how she can help. So when she asked to peel the clementine by herself tonight, my heart leapt. This happened, of course, after she initially fell off a chair trying to get a second clementine first. Grace cannot catch herself on her right side, and this can be very scary. She fell and cried, and we picked her up and told her she was so brave. Then she said, I try again? YES! Of course. And she climbed up and down without incident. Now, with only a little help to start, she peeled and ate the fruit by herself. Grace, you're amazing. Innovate your abilities, people.

Maybe you are thinking, I want this for my kids too! Or, Don't you want this for your other kids too? Well, of course. But here's the difference: typical kids do not have to learn how to use their muscles. Typical kids do not have to learn to use one side of their body. Typical kids do not have to overcome a stroke. And this is why I am grieving. I want to give Grace everything. But I can't. She has to propel herself. Sometimes, she asks to be carried down the stairs and I say no. Not because I am a heartless wench - but because I want her to thrive. I stay with her while she walks slowly. She is three years old, after all.

Family walk.

Grace, in short, must learn what it means to be human. She has been given a gift of empathy, innovation and trial. She has suffered much in her short life, and she will suffer more. I cannot stop this from happening. Even now, we are introducing her to walk-aid, which is an e-stim for her leg. She will get electronic current sent down her leg to signal her dorsal flexors to work properly in her right foot. The hope is that, in the future, she will not need her brace. We do not know if this will happen, but we try anyways.

(Mumford and Sons - "Turning of the Tide")

A final note on grief: I am not crying every day. I am not in mourning. I do feel a deep sorrow in my soul out of love for my child; but I cannot let this grief stop me from letting her live life to the fullest. It is certainly a teeter-totter of emotion! I am (still) learning to trust myself as her mother, I am learning to try again, and I am learning the dignity and strength in being the caretaker of someone who requires extra needs.

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#write31days: PostPartum Depression - How Did You Know? // Introduction and Rules of Engagement

Last October, I attempted #write31days but without a serious mindset... quantity really- I wanted to write more. And I did! It was great. Today, I am starting this challenge over with a more guided topic. Postpartum depression.

I discussed ideas with a few friends, and this topic came up multiple times. How do you handle PPD as a Catholic women? How do you handle it with residency? How do you handle it with multiple children? What does it feel like? What should others know about PPD? The questions went on and on...

My "rules" for this series are short: this topic is personal and I am currently living in it. This is not an abstract for a dissertation. I do not have 20/20 hindsight yet. I don't need any medical advice, as I keep in close communication with my own PA + Dr., as well as being married to one. My husband and I practice many different types of coping mechanisms as well, which I will write about too. My situation is 100 percent unique and I am writing only about myself. These posts are directed at no one, and still, I am opening myself up to share my experiences. If I can help one person, it will be worth it. Please respect this adult conversation at face value.

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How do you know you are depressed (PPD) and it's not just the baby blues?

This is the number one question many women ask. I am on baby number three in three years. Shockingly to many, this is not the cause of my depression. My depression has to do (mainly) with external factors in my life which I do not have [much] control over. I mention this because I have bonded with my third child wonderfully, just like I did with my other two.

I mention this because many women dismiss their feelings because they do not fall into the normal realm of what depression looks like. If you are taking anything your baby does personally, that should be a warning sign. A baby is for cuddling and feeding. A baby wants love and affection, and cries because something is wrong - or nothing is wrong! All three of my children spent the first month or two of their lives crying "just because"... baby wearing, baby swinging, and being okay with crying.

My main symptoms are anger and irritability. Everything bugs me - but what sends me over the edge is the perpetual whining of my three year old. Grace repeats herself constantly, and this is normal! There is nothing wrong with this! But for me, it was nails on a chalkboard. Combine this with anxiety if the house descends into madness (thanks, Laura); if I've forgotten something I am supposed to do; if I watch time tock by, paralyzed by what I should do...

This is not a normal response to stress. This is, at the very least, a reason to talk to a medical professional. If you have a feeling something is off, your intuition is probably right. Don't ignore it.

I knew something was wrong when Grace began whining and I just had to leave the room; I wanted to punch the wall repeatedly. I called the phone nurse at my OB's office, and as I told her my symptoms, I started sobbing.

I am currently taking medicine, which I will address in another post. Medicine combined with exercise and other coping mechanisms for healthy living is key - we cannot expect medicine alone to "fix" my feelings, anymore than we should think "natural living" is enough for women to cope.

With my first two children, I would feel sad and overwhelmed and stressed from time to time... with Stephen, there were times when I wanted to leave the house. I wanted to punch the wall; I wanted to cry and yell; I wanted to curl up in a ball and ignore everyone. These are not normal response to stress. My medicine is only 20 mg, but it is enough. When I hear whining, I can respond calmly or ignore it. I can find order in the chaos and I can laugh. I am 110 percent a better mother taking medicine, and I feel much more like myself.

And this is really the most telling part of depression - I didn't feel like myself. I didn't know this version of Julie, and I didn't like it. I love my family and I wanted to enjoy these young days. This is why I sought help and now, this is why I am writing about postpartum depression and anxiety. The only thing to fear is *not* accepting help. Don't try to rationalize your feelings or dismiss them. If you need help, ask for it. This is scary, and that is okay.

Before Grace's eye surgery; when I had first started medication

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Happy Life, Messy Wife

A few nights ago, I felt upset. It's hard to distinguish, sometimes, between burn-out, postpartum depression and exasperation. Our babysitter cancelled, Will was half-awake after a night shift and dinner was not made. Laura dumped out all our shoes again. I had cleaned the whole house earlier and felt so good... Then the girls did not nap; then no relief; then no time to prep for the next day's lesson; then up too late. I was falling down and only a zillion chocolate chip cookies (which we had none) would numb the pain. But then Will said something and, as uninspired as it was, it was the kick that told me: messes come and go. You matter. Messes don't.

I'm listening to The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin on Audible. I like it so much that I sent it home and told my Dad that the family should read this together. The Apple blurb says,

Gretchen Rubin had an epiphany one rainy afternoon in the unlikeliest of places: a city bus. “The days are long, but the years are short,” she realized. “Time is passing, and I’m not focusing enough on the things that really matter.” In that moment, she decided to dedicate a year to her happiness project. 

In this lively and compelling account—now updated with new material by the author—Rubin chronicles her adventures during the twelve months she spent test-driving the wisdom of the ages, current scientific research, and lessons from popular culture about how to be happier. Among other things, she found that novelty and challenge are powerful sources of happiness; that money can help buy happiness, when spent wisely; that outer order contributes to inner calm; and that the very smallest of changes can make the biggest difference. 

The biggest part about happiness is the necessity of growth and pushing one's self outside our personal comfort zone and accept failure (and embrace the fun of failure!) as a necessary part of living. Building habits, asking for help and scale back on obligations. All of these experiences she discussed came with a head nod... yes, mm, yes. But action is harder.

I am (also/still) listening to a podcast my art history teacher recommended to me. (Pro tip: stay in touch with your favorite professors/ teachers. They will continue to enrich your life with their love, wit and wisdom!) It's called Magic Lessons by Elizabeth Gilbert, and it is all about the creative life and the creative process.

I miss my creative process. I miss the ability to stay up late and write and re-write and laugh and talk and color and write letters to friends and re-write... my creative process has been replaced by a need to re-organize my house and regulate toys and re-arrange our schedule and meal plan and lesson plan and

no wonder.

no wonder I am just so tired when the evening hits that I don't finish post after post after post.

I am a creative soul, and my cup is dry.

But my heart is hopeful.

I bought acrylic paints and canvases a few months ago because I saw them on sale.

I thought, I took Studio I-III and Mixed Media in high school!

I thought, It's been too long.

I thought, I'm scared to open them.

I thought, I'm ready. 

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In the meantime - here's to more messes.

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NFP as a Mama of Three

It's the end of NFP Awareness Week, so I'm going to throw in a few cents as a mama with three kids under three.

Natural Family Planning is getting to know the woman's fertility through various means (mucus, hormone monitor, basal thermometer, etc.) and then, making a decision about when to have sex in order to avoid, conceive or whatever. This is called TTA (trying to avoid), TTC (trying to conceive) and TTW (trying to whatever).

We have a child from each of these. Grace was a TTW - we were open to having a baby, and based on where I was in my cycle, we had a 5 percent chance of conceiving. Laura was TTC - we wanted to have another baby close to Grace. Stephen was TTA - the postpartum method we were using was not successful, and his conception was considered a method failure. This does not mean that NFP = children even when you are avoiding. Plenty of people successfully avoid using the same method. To me, this means that God wanted Stephen in our lives. I cannot imagine life without this chunky monkey. Practically, I also changed how I track my fertility postpartum!

This time around, I started charting with my teacher before my 56 days were up. After a lady has a baby, she is definitely infertile for the first 56 days. After that, even if you are breastfeeding, your fertility can come back (as we learned) before the usual six months. It is unusual, but it does happen.

We are currently using the Marquette method and working closely with a wonderful teacher as we navigate the postpartum period. Since I do not have any health problems we have to work around, this is the easiest method for us. Every morning, I pee on a stick (we buy with Amazon's subscribe and save - a steal! Especially with five or more items, you get a 15 percent discount) and my ClearBlue monitor (Also on sale with Prime currently) tells me if my fertility is low, high, or peak.

From the Marquette website:

The Marquette Model (MM) system of NFP brings 21st century technology to NFP by using the ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor, a device used at home which measures hormone levels in urine to estimate the beginning and end of the time of fertility in a women's menstrual cycle. The information from the monitor can be used in conjunction with observations of cervical mucus, basal body temperature, or other biological indicators of fertility. The MM was developed by professional nurses and physicians at Marquette University in the late 1990s. A recent (2007) study published in the Journal of Obstetric, Gynecologic, and Neonatal Nursing demonstrated a 97-98% efficacy of the MM in avoiding pregnancy when taught by a qualified teacher and correctly applied.

There is more protocol in terms of how many days one should avoid post-peak, and postpartum pre-peak vs. postpartum post-peak, but that is not what this post is about. This post is about why Will and I choose NFP over other methods.

The easiest place to start is our faith. We're Roman Catholic, and as part of our Christian faith, we practice total fidelity. We do not use artificial contraception. The Church does not require us to use NFP, but it does advocate responsible parenthood. "Be fruitful and multiple" does not mean have more children than your sanity, bank account and body can handle. The Church's teaching must be seen through the eyes of total love; it is for communion of body and soul, not a separation.

That being said, NFP is not a Catholic-only method. I know many non-Catholics who use it. Leah Libresco, a Catholic convert from atheism, recently wrote on learning NFP while engaged. She recommends Toni Weschler’s Taking Charge of Your Fertility, which teaches FAM - Fertility Awareness Method, or NFP + barrier methods during avoiding times. TCOYF is the definitive text for learning about one's fertility, reproductive health and charting. This is not only for married folk - charting is the best way to understand how your body is working, and learning to recognize  and interpret changes.

Next, is science. Unlike the popular myth that all NFP methods are the same (or the rhythm method), a woman's fertility is unique and scientists like those at Marquette University, or Dr. Hilgers with his Creighton method, are actively studying women's fertility and have proven, peer-reviewed methods of helping women avoid and achieve pregnancy when practiced correctly. I say "correctly" because this is the danger of NFP - a woman can get pregnant. But this happens to people using birth control methods as well, so I'm nonplussed about this part. I truly think that NFP is as valid a method to avoid and achieve, with the bonus of *knowing* one's fertility (no more guesswork!) and creating an incredible bond with your spouse.

We use the Kindara app to chart - so well organized and a beautiful design. I love that I can add-in more information than what is provided already too.

Finally: love. There is nothing more trust-building than two spouses on board with fertility planning. The husband is equally as involved as his wife; he carries responsibility as she does. This is not always easy. Will and I did not pick NFP because we enjoy this challenge; but is it worth it? Absolutely. We practice fidelity to one another; open communication; incredible vulnerability; respect and acceptance of the total person; value and honor for God's design; true self-sacrifice. The benefits, for us, outweigh the fear.

True love must know sacrifice. This is why our wedding vows speak of leaving our mother and father and joining to our spouse. The current statistics on divorce is about 50 percent**, which is terrifying. NFP users have a lower rate - hovering around 9.5 percent. Having sex is not just for creating a child. It's also for bonding! But the accountability and responsibility is still there, and we take that seriously.

It's hard to be pregnant. It might not seem that way, especially coming from someone who has had three successful pregnancies in three years. We were open to that. We were open to that challenge. I would not recommend this path to most people, but we feel very blessed to have our three children and be in a position to care for them. It should not, however, and is not to be taken for granted. People love asking if we're done now that we've had our boy. Hopefully not! Will and I are still discerning, as is part of our marriage.

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"Which Method of NFP Is Right For Me?" quiz

**

I love strolling down memory lane. I love thinking about all the walks we went on while dating and engaged; hiking and talking about Big, Philosophical questions and telling stories and discussing what we wanted in life. Will and I decided that we wanted to spend our lives together - eating and grocery shopping; chores and cleaning up after little people; in good times and in bad; in morning sickness and in health. I thought I loved Will when we got engaged, and even more when we got married. And I did. I love him even more now. Be assured that marriage is hard for us too, and NFP is harder. There is a lot of dying to self. NFP strips away the pretension and the pride, and leaves us to face our own reality. Each NFP experience is unique, and I like knowing that it is part of our love story. It's anecdotal evidence, but in the search for fullness of the human experience, what else is there?

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** EDIT: A friend sent me this article, which says that divorce rate is well below 50 now and that this statistic is incorrect. Happy to hear!

Yes You Can, Fellow Human

At the end of May, we passed the two year anniversary of Grace's diagnosis. Last Tuesday, Grace had eye surgery. Today, I made two more appointments with specialists after two therapies. I'm going to be the first to admit that keeping up with Grace needs a lot of planning and coffee. She's doing awesome overall, and of course, needs some tweaking too with all the growing up. (That's where the specialists come in, for the fine tuning.)

A few hours post-op

Grace is constantly changing. Every week in therapy, I have something new to discuss with her six therapists. Her language is exploding - this is especially exciting since her stroke was in a language center, and we didn't know how she'd be affected or what the symptoms would be. Speech therapy is an amazing resource. On Wednesday, we have a transition meeting where she'll be evaluated for what her state-provided therapies will be once she turns 3 years old. It's exciting and nerve-wracking.

I was talking to my best friend about Grace, and we talked about Grace's diagnosis. It's part of her, but it's a complicated relationship. Most days I'm fine; other days, I feel overwhelmed. I try to avoid talking about future Grace - there's too many unknowns. I remember being in an appointment with the neurologist, and she told me Grace would never use her right hand normally. I was really taken aback - for me, as long as we did the therapies, Grace would get better, right? Well, the hand is a complex blah blah blah. One of her occupational therapists provided a more optimistic viewpoint, with the consideration that we just don't know. I find a lot of comfort in not knowing. It's the reason I try harder every day. Every day, you see, is a glimpse of the ultimate triumph. God has given me this little girl to cherish, love and teach.

Motherhood is a very emotional journey. When I write, I only write of my own experiences. I cannot testify to anything else. There are a few very distinct memories from Grace's first year which I carry with me: when they first handed her to me; when they first woke me up to feed her and I was still deliriously tired from labor; looking at her MRI scan. No one can love Grace more than me, and I take that responsibility very seriously. It helps me keep my patience; it helps me apologize when I don't; and it lets me indulge her a little more than others would. The same goes for Laura and Stephen. Sometimes just holding them feels like our moment in eternity.

Grace isn't neuro-typical, like her two siblings. And that's okay. Everyone has trials in life. Grace's trials will be many, and she has an amazing support system on both sides of the family, as well as friends, therapists and doctors who love her. That alone can sustain a person.

So can possibility...

{chills, right?!}

I dwell in Possibility —
A fairer House than Prose —
More numerous of Windows —
Superior — for Doors —

Of Chambers as the Cedars —
Impregnable of Eye —
And for an Everlasting Roof
The Gambrels of the Sky —

Of Visitors — the fairest —
For Occupation — This —
The spreading wide my narrow Hands
To gather Paradise —

by Emily Dickinson 

Grace has limits physically. We're working on those. A good attitude and perseverance is the best asset in life. A life centered on Christ; a live given to others and served in love. These are the things the world needs. 

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Happy Due Date, Bebe Baldwin!

Today is Bebe Baldwin's due date and... he is six days old!

He was born on Thursday, May 12 at 2:50 p.m. He was 7 lbs, 6 oz. of cuteness and we are all super smitten with him. Stay tuned for his birth story, because it is exciting!

We love you, Stephen John Baldwin!

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Advent Lessons From Watching My Daughters

Pictures from last Sunday, because the girls had to wear their Sunday hats.

Grace is sporting a yellow knit, given to her (and one for L too) from a tech who loves when the girls come visit the ED. Silver star leggings and a horse-themed top confirm her wild spirit.

Laura, as you may recognize, if wearing her sister's last season Hanna Andersson sweater dress and matching hat. She was less enthused about the hat. 

Since we've been back in PA, it's been a case of WE CAN DO IT. I haven't been feeling well, and by the end of the month, I started dealing with some tough customers who do not like the work load of AP US History. This is a tough balance, because a student needs to have good time management skills with his/her studies, or it does become a lot harder. I've worked with my boss on adjusting the class, and, alas, not all are satisfied. Unfortunately, this is not going to change the class. There are still requirements, and I'm sure this will be a life lesson for all. Maybe, one day, they'll appreciate these lessons - and me. Ha.  

The girls and I spend a lot of time together, and they teach me every day. Here's what I pick up from the littles this Advent Season:

1. Nothing without quality time

The past two nights, the girls have stayed up past their bed time so they can spend time with their Dad. It does not affect their sleep schedule too much, fortunately, and Will is always extra happy to see them. (It's a bummer to leave in the morning and not see your kids before they go to bed! Also why we stop by the hospital often.)

When I am not in class, I try to do work around them as well as sit and play. Laura is learning how to use a sippy cup and drink from a straw (we skip bottles around here) and it's really fun teaching her - she learns from watching Grace as well!

I do not think children need a stay at home parent - I do think that children need tuned-in parents. I try to keep the television off (unless we're all in moods, then praise the LORD for Daniel Tiger & co.) and the music on, my phone out of reach and my to-do list handy. I usually have my computer nearby so I can keep up with grading in between snacks, walks, tower building, loads of laundry and the forever list. Since I work from home, I need to stay realistic about what I can and cannot do, e.g. I cannot be on my computer for longer than 10-15 minutes or else a little hand will sneak onto my screen and pull it down. Ask me how I know. (Standing at the mantle helps!)

Jesus asks us for this too - to see Christmas as less of an obligation and more of a celebration of love. That we want to be at mass because we love God, want to spend time with him, and want to join in the feast of celebrating his birth.

2. Do what needs to get done.

To-do lists (I also call them my forever lists) really do help me; time management, as in school, is essential to home life. With our plethora of therapies and appointments, I never have a "best" time for anything. And still, lots has to get done. I recently realized that I can't work out at home, and with our double stroller out of commission, the time has come to join the Y. Or else perish into a non-exercising maniac.

I've started listening to the rosary on YouTube and reading Christmas stories to the girls; it is my job to teach them the faith - no one else can replace my influence in this area.

3. No really; sometimes, you just have to buckle down.

Do I like giving my girls baths? No. Do I like brushing their teeth? No. Why? Because there are always tears. (Yes, even with tear-less shampoo. It's the water shock, I suppose.) What about therapy? Have to do it. Stretching? The same.

The pile of boxes I need to work through downstairs... okay. I get my own message. The girls know (though they do not always comply) that we clean up our toys before bed. Period. Wah.

And FINE, they don't really have a clue who Santa Claus is (they were pretty ambivalent about the St. Nick stories I read them, though they do like their new slippers), but Grace especially loves the lighting of the Advent candles each night and tries to sing along. A definite win in my book.

4. Bumps and bruises and other realities of growing up.

Sometimes, it feels like some of my students do not want to feel the sting of adequacy. Fine, they did an adequate job, but not a good or even great one, and that is reflected in their grade. And maybe my teacher's note was not sensitive or detailed enough; it's a bumpy ride being a teacher too. I attended a prestigious high school where the teachers were very helpful and very hard on us. They expected a lot, and when I delivered - it felt great. When I did not, I could usually pinpoint what went wrong. That's part of the learning curve, and I work with students to reduce the bumps...

But as Grace and Laura learn every day, no matter how many gates and protections their parents put up around the house, they still fall. So, we focus on the reaction after the fall. "Uh oh! Are you okay? What a big fall!" I usually get a stunned look and then a smile; they roll it off and move on. A really hard fall (hardwood, ouch) deserves a snuggle and lots of kisses, but it usually doesn't stop them from trying again. How many of us can get up from a fall like that?

The refugee crisis is especially close to my heart during this Advent season. Not because people are saying Mary and Joseph were also homeless refugees (uh, sort of - they were traveling for the census before Jesus' birth; I would say they became refugees after Jesus was born and went into hiding!), but because THEY ARE PEOPLE. They are fellow humans fleeing for their lives. Did you know before the Civil War many Northerners did not want to help the abolitionists because they feared they would lose their jobs? Or the fear during WWII that put the Japanese in internment camps and kept many Jews from re-locating? We all see the terrorist threat going on overseas. We need to start embracing the angel Gabriel's entreatment to "Fear not!" and look for positive strategies to help, not hinder. I cannot imagine leaving our home right now for fear any of us could be killed. No walls can keep out hate.

5. Keep having fun!

Grace is in time-out a few times a day for various injustices, like pushing Laura in the face if she's too close. We go to the stairs, where she gets a stern talking to and time-out, which is immediately forgotten as soon as Laura crawls over and Grace says, "Hi Rawr-ra!" After the steps, they go back to playing before another rough attempt to back Laura away from the communal toys.

Life can be hard and unfair and really, really tough - so it's important to have fun too. When Will and I were going through a really tough time earlier this year, we made a point to play tennis as often as we could. We made it a priority to do something fun, something active and something together.

And after I've put Grace in time out and they're playing together, there is no better sound than the two of them laughing together. It's fun - it's joy - it's Christ in my girls.

Sarah Bessey wrote a beautiful Advent reflection on joy (for tomorrow), which I'll excerpt here:

Joy isn’t emotionally or spiritually or intellectually dishonest. Christian joy doesn’t mean that we are sticking our heads in the sand and saying, “it’s fine, we’re fine, everything’s fine” while running past the gutter of broken dreams, eyes averted. 

Joy isn’t denial of grief or pretending happiness. 

Now, now I know this: joy is the affirmation of the truest thing in this life. 

Joy is born, not from pretending everything is fine, but from holding both hope and truth together. The Christian can stand in that liminal space, the place of grief, even there with joy. Why? Because joy is the affirmation of the thing that is truer than any trouble, any affliction: the affirmation that Love wins. Jesus is as good as we hope, it’s all worth it, and all will be redeemed.

**

Now Christmas is coming, so we wait for the Christ child, and we wait for my next appointment and the anatomy scan of our own little bebe. We wait for next Saturday, when Will gets to go home for the first time in two years. We wait, and we love.

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What's Your Normal?

A few nights ago, I sat on the couch, watching Grace and Laura play with the same Melissa and Doug fruit puzzle - which means Grace is saying "No no no no no!" and Laura is grabbing at every piece she can. Will's ER shift goes till 2 a.m., so I was playing zone defense. When the fighting starts (mainly Grace getting territorial), it was time to break out the blocks. I build towers for Laura to knock over, and Grace built her own too.

After I finally got them to bed, I collapsed on the couch to eat second dinner and watch the latest episode of Bones before beginning the Great Cleaning Escapade of Late Night. Which means, no vacuuming till morning, but at least the dishwasher was loaded and unloaded and all the extra food cleaned up or thrown away. I tried to work on my philosophy (I have my last paper due on Saturday), but since I turned in a post two days ago, I let myself have a mental break. (Which is now over!)

Morning happens when I wake up before my alarm clock, check on the girls through the video monitor (still sleeping, high five ladies!), and fall back to sleep until my alarm actually goes off, which corresponds perfectly to Laura popping her head up and deciding the day begins NOW. Grace is sleeping in, which is uncharacteristic, but she's going through a nice growth spurt - two more inches and two more pounds in the past few months.

Breakfast is my favorite meal of the day, so we prefer to have a more luxurious meal - even if time is shorter. We like milk, oatmeal, yogurt, apple slices [Cortland is a new favorite!], and/ or english muffins. Wegmans (our favorite grocery store) has the most delicious seasonal bread - cranberry orange. We're enjoying this treat as toast lately. I've thought about introducing Grace to hot chocolate as it's getting so cold out (she loves sipping on our coffee), but then... all that sugar. We hardly let her drink juice, so I think hot chocolate should be preserved as a special day treat. Any thoughts on that? Or experiences?

The nice part of this week is that I am off school - teaching, that is. We celebrated Thanksgiving on Tuesday because Will was off (otherwise, night shift till the weekend). We will go over to his married attendings's house for a department Thanksgiving once he wakes up too, which will be nice change of scenery and to see more colleagues of his than I usually do.

I'm working at capacity right now, especially at distracting little hands from my laptop. (Okay, climb into my lap and we'll read a book.) Paper due, final exams next week, grading due (for my own students), and we're going to a wedding this weekend, so packing for two small children and all their potential needs ain't no thang. Thank goodness for all the leftover feast right?!

Last week, I got an e-mail inviting me to apply for a job that - a few years ago - I would have taken in a heartbeat. What do we call those jobs? Former dreams? Without sounding too depressing, of course, because I'm creating new dreams. But: managing editor, traveling, speaking, testifying and lots of writing.

Like a tall glass of water on a hot day, I drank that e-mail and then told Will about how delicious the job sounded. He asked if I wanted to apply and I told him honestly: no. I cannot imagine traveling so much with the girls and Will's schedule. Besides, journalism is not my passion any more. The farther away I get from it, I wonder if it ever was... the experience was essential, and I have no regrets pursuing it. But I like having the opportunity to shut the door. I can say, I did it well! And be done.

I'm in the midst of changing my dreams, and changing my reality. It's good, it's hard, and it's about being me vs. becoming me. I'm writing less, and I'm loving more. My normal is class prep, class time, Grace's therapies (she has another speech therapist now! Yay! The wait is over!), taking care of our home, running errands, family time, study time, couple time and me time. It's getting colder out, so I've cut out exercise time... but I have workout DVDs, so the excuses are limited. Besides, this is the time to stay healthy, right?

With Will's job, I hear a lot of stories, and some of them are really tragic. They make me think, Is it worth the stress of extra $$ to finish an article? Sometimes, yes, sure. But we've cut out most extras, so that saves a bundle of money this year to pay for our second student loan kicking in, more baby food, and soon, more diapers.

What?! Another Baldwin baby? Are Will and Julie crazy?! I'll admit, two of Grace's therapists burst out laughing when they heard. Not in a malicious way - more in a, Oh, you two!! I'm the first to admit, it's not everyone's style. Residency, by itself, is a stressful time - and Will starts job searching next spring. I'm still teaching part-time, Grace will still be in therapy, and Laura is still moving faster than you. Life is uncertain - another little person to take care of is no chump change. 

We're really excited. God has such a special plan for this baby, and honestly? We're already rolling in the baby life. I'm the first to admit that we're pretty isolated here - no family, closest friends are in NYC, the occasional play group, and plenty of trips to the hospital to take dinner to Dad and say hi to the department. The support we've already received, and will continue to receive, makes me feel even better about bringing this baby into a scary, uncertain world we live in today. This baby is going to know love, be loved, and share in love. 

As Advent approaches, and we wait for the Christ to enter into our world, we will know the beauty of babies. We will know new beginnings and we will "be not afraid" of what is to come. I am grateful for my friends, far away and online, and my blog readers. I am grateful for my extended family, my immediate family, and in-laws (+siblings) who truly do feel like family. I am grateful for our little family: my hilarious husband, my spunky Grace, my sweet Laura, and my growing bebe. I am grateful that God is with us on this journey of crooked paths. 

I hope you are grateful for your normal (whatever it is!), and I wish you all a very, very happy Thanksgiving! 

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"If you tame me, then we shall need each other."

Hello, I'm back in PA now! It took us 12 hours (including rest stops) to drive home, and it was as good as it could have been... minus, perhaps the man who started shouting obscenities at Wendy's because the person behind the counter gave him the side eye or something. He had just smiled at the girls. La la la la Grace and Laura!

This post will be a short update because I've had some sort of bug and it keeps waxing and waning (this weekend was the worst - Will ended up writing me a script on Sunday because I was so bad and that really helped), and now I'm in recovery mode.

Fortunately, my MIL was able to help Sunday through Friday. Unfortunately, she left. Fortunately, Will is on anesthesia right now, so he's usually home by the afternoon and on weekends. That has made a huge difference - especially this past weekend, when I was not in a good place to watch the girls.

It's really humbling having your husband take total care of you while you moan, are not exactly "nice" company, feel nauseous and are utterly helpless to do anything besides sort of watch the girls while they play in front of you. We're going on three years of marriage, and the word that comes to mind is "tame" - not in the calm down!! sense, but "The Little Prince" version:

What does that mean -- tame?"
"It is an act too often neglected," said the fox. "It means to establish ties."
"To establish ties?"
"Just that," said the fox. "To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world....” 

It's important to need people. I reflect on my former ultra-independence, always willing to be a friend and give to others, but less willing to expose a more vulnerable side. I'm able to have that with Will, and I'm able to give more to others with his encouragement. But even before I met Will, I met and loved "The Little Prince" by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. The stories from this other world always brings me to tears ("What is essential is invisible to the eye.") and makes me laugh and has me think.

So, of course, when my sister Marianne sent me this trailer... I immediately cheered up. Release for the US is March 18, 2016, so y'all have plenty of time to read and/ or re-read this short, concise book.

“People have forgotten this truth," the fox said. "But you mustn’t forget it. You become responsible forever for what you’ve tamed. You’re responsible for your rose.”

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When You're the Adult: You Give More Than You Get

Yesterday, Grace had her one year evaluation with Early Intervention - she is doing well, and was recommended to continue her therapies. We are excited to have one more year with her EI therapists!

Today, I took Laura in for her six month evaluation and vaccines. Unsurprisingly, she is top of her class percentage wise for weight, head circumference and height (in that order!). Grace was extremely well-behaved once she realized that she would not get her head measured, and showed off her AFO and walking to Dr. M.

In the past few weeks, I have been searching for a new babysitter. Our former one got a new job with more hours, and we encouraged her to take it. Unfortunately, the search is (still) on.... I taught class yesterday, and I teach class again next Tuesday. I am trying not to worry about who will watch my children, but, I'm picky and I'm limited in my resources.

Will's salary covers our east-coast COL, roughly, and so the babysitter's salary must come out of my salary; and my salary - as an online history teacher - is not sizable. Then there's the hours we're asking - very part-time, but we pay fairly.

I get why people wait to have kids - it can feel really overwhelming. Expenses are almost the least of it; the time put into caring for them is more than 24/7 - it's a calling to care, a vocation to love. How can I best care for my children, even when I'm working? You the Parent have to take care of them; the little people depend on you! I see it in both the girls: the way Grace watches us and brightens up during play time or meal time; whenever Laura catches our eye.

This experience has highlighted an bygone era of villages raising children. I wish there was more community help set up in our parish, because I am sure there are numerous retired ladies who want to play with babies for a couple hours a day. Or even a parish day center in the area! It seems so vital, especially for young mothers who need more support. If the Church wants to support the vocation of marriage and the call of parenthood, she needs to respond in practicalities as well as prayer.

Each parish has their own calling, I know. To be fair, I'm surprised Will's hospital does not have a day care facility. It's the second largest employer in the region, a top 100 hospital in the country and no child care support?! There is an independent day care center one block away, but they do not have enough space for the demand. I would have to put the girls on a waiting list! (Remind me to get on my soapbox later and write them a letter.) Well! At least I have two students whose schedules could fit us in. Fingers crossed we have good interviews, compatibility and hire within the week.

Last night Will joked that all he does is make money and set up mouse traps (trap: 2, mouse: 0) while I keep the family going, the girls happy and complete my school work (teach and graduate). While residency is not easy, I had to laugh too - it feels that way!

He makes the girls so happy too, and that is the easiest gift to give them - the best gift. No toy is better than time spent with people who love and cherish you.

The paperwork will never end, the to-do list may never be accomplished, and the house never stays clean - adult life means you're always giving, always trying harder. That is good. It is good to exert yourself to help another, and to make life more beautiful for yourself and your family.

It is in giving out of love - not just duty or obligation or begrudgingly - that we experience the kind of euphoria intended to spur us on when it's tough being an adult, making all the decisions, being responsible for chores and taxes and catching the mouse that chewed on your dining room rug...

Pope Francis said at the Meeting with the Volunteers of the XXVIII World Youth Day (July 28, 2013):

"In encouraging you to rediscover the beauty of the human vocation to love, I also urge you to rebel against the widespread tendency to reduce love to something banal, reducing it to its sexual aspect alone, deprived of its essential characteristics of beauty, communion, fidelity and responsibility. 

Dear young friends, “in a culture of relativism and the ephemeral, many preach the importance of ‘enjoying’ the moment. They say that it is not worth making a life-long commitment, making a definitive decision, ‘for ever’, because we do not know what tomorrow will bring. 

I ask you, instead, to be revolutionaries, I ask you to swim against the tide; yes, I am asking you to rebel against this culture that sees everything as temporary and that ultimately believes you are incapable of responsibility, that believes you are incapable of true love. I have confidence in you and I pray for you. Have the courage to ‘swim against the tide’. And also have the courage to be happy.”

This, of course, is the best part of being an adult: happy doing your thing, because wherever you've been: you're here now. Wherever you're going, you're here; rejoice and be glad. Life is hard and imperfect, but we can still enjoy it. Give more than you get, and love every minute you can.

It's really hot here... but we're loving it.

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