Today: A Love Song

Today Grace did not nap... when she was supposed to. Rise and shine at 5:15 am (my MIL is visiting so basically I am in sleep-in Heaven), with a brief 20-30 minute nap on her stroller ride this afternoon, before forcefully being put into her crib at 4 pm. She emitted a few extra sobs, but none of those lung blasters she sang earlier. Nap, check.

Her dad woke up around 5 p.m., which was awesome, because he finished his fourth night shift this morning (and has his fifth and final one tonight!), and has been sleeping poorly. As one of his resident buddies responded when I told him Will was sleeping and definitely not going to make journal club: "Night shifts are the worst. Let the man sleep!"

Amen.

I did not nap today, even though I very much wanted to, as I have soooo much reading to do for class. I am getting really nervous-excited about starting my stint as history lecturer/ teacher/ instructor/ mind molder next week, and am reading ALL THE BOOKS to feel ready. Tomorrow, I'll work on lecture notes.

My MIL has been keeping the house moving and shaking, and I'm at a loss what I'll do once she's gone... cry? Not finish the laundry? Let the dishes pile up? All of the above? We shall see. The house is in better order with her here, so perhaps not!

And I didn't even snap one thousand pictures of Grace today, but we had a nice family dinner, then Will, Grace and I went on a long walk. It was so nice to spend one-on-one time with Will -- it's been too long (a couple of days seem really long, okay? Okay.). We came home, gave Grace a bath, read to her and prayed with her, and like a miracle child, she went down easy peasy, like she normally does, and all was forgotten of the day-long battles for GHB to shut those little eyes and sleep.

But here's a picture from yesterday, after I tried to do yoga for 20-25 minutes, and ended up laughing too much because Grace kept rolling or crawling on the mat to be closer to me. We decided to do some fun PT standing and sitting exercises.

And now, sleep for me too. I hope today was a love song for you too, Reader.

The Parenting Philosophical Society (and GHB at 9 months!)

Everyone is a Parenting Philosopher. You're doing what? Oh! Here's how I did it! According to this book/ article/ medical journal... You need to vaccinate/ I can't believe you're vaccinating. Cry it out? Yes way/ no way!

"Should she be chewing on that??"

I did not read any baby books while pregnant. It helped me not get anxious over unknowns and I learned to enjoy being pregnant (yes, even with all the nausea). I did read Bringing Up Bebe, which confirmed to me that letting kids play on their own is a good thing and for less helicopter parenting and more zone defense. But I knew that as a sister of five siblings and, later, a nanny. I like experience over theory; I like possibility over expectation. I was as ready for my sweet bebe as I was going to be, when the time came.

When did I really feel like a mother?

I ponder this question often. GHB turns 9 months today!!!!, and I am so crazy in love with this kid, Jay-Z and Beyonce are going to be jelly. She gets up in the morning and cries out till someone picks her up (thanks Will!), and when she sees me, she glows. There is nothing like the unconditional love glow of your baby every single time she sees you.

I knew I was a mother when, at 6 am of September 26 (Grace was born at 1:30, they took her away at 3 a.m., left me in a well-lit room until 5:30 am), the nurses brought her into me for a feeding just as I was drifting off to sleep.

My baby!! Sleeping while I'm awake. Typical.

REALLY, CHILD? I thought. MAMA SO SLEEPY. Then I touched her. She was my daughter? She responded to my touch. I brought her against me and fed her. When she was done, I put her back in her bassinet and when I tried to adjust my bed (for future notice, I like to sleep horizontal), she woke up. So I cradled her in my arms until the nurse came back to retrieve her to the hospital nursery so I could theoretically get more sleep. She snuggled against me and I just could not stop staring at that beautiful little bebe: my baby.

That's when I first felt like a mother: sacrificing my happiness for hers.

I feel like a mother because I care for Grace. I feed her, I dress her, I play with her, I read her books, and I take her almost everywhere I roam. Fortunately for me, she is a solid traveler. Unfortunately for me, she requires her own caravan and servants. Aha-kidding. I am her caravan.

I feel like a mother because I take responsibility for Grace. Guess who takes her to her doctor's appointments? Me. Guess who makes sure she gets Vitamin D? Me. Guess who does physical therapy with her? Me. Guess who gets up in the middle of the night when she's crying loudly or teething? Me again!

Beyonce moves during therapy

This morning, we attended breakfast with Will before his intern orientation lectures began. A fellow EM resident rushed over and gushed over Grace, before swooping her away to two other residents who, in turn spent the next 20 minutes passing her around, until she knocked over someone's cup of coffee. Oops.That child is mine. (May I get you more coffee??) I was very proud of her for allowing the women to hold her, and not getting her T-Rex look that usually comes with her stranger anxiety.

I feel like motherhood is looked at very conceptually: Am I ready? Or not? Sometimes, it is a clear answer. Othertimes, there is the invariable waffling because parenthood seems so inevitable, yet daunting.

I drove Will up the wall (I'm sure) the first few months of Grace's life, asking him how he felt about Grace. He loved her, fine, but how did he feel. Elation? Joy? Excitement?!

Happy? Okay, I can accept "happy"...

I'm happy too. I'm happy to be married to Will, I'm happy to be Grace's mom, and I'm happy with myself. At least, I am trying reallyreallyreally hard to be happy with myself.

I passed positive graffiti in the car today: "Love Yourself."

Yes, res publica! Love yourself! Note to self: not everyone feels as deeply as I do. And I feel deeply for Grace. I'm tardy on her month sticker pictures, I forget to write down her milestones, but I'm experiencing every day with her, and she teaches me so much. She shows me determination and she shows me sass.

So why have I been guilt-tripping myself on all the writing I don't do?

"No One Sleeps While I'm Awake" -- The Sounds (bedtime theme song)

I suppose, we humans like to show what we're capable of. We like to show what we can do. I know I do. And I am sharing this struggle with non-outside world productivity because I'm discovering that what I'm really doing these days is teaching Grace about love. Grace knows we love her, and she loves us - she loves us so much that she took a nap with me in bed this morning instead of in her crib. (Did I mention she has a total softy for a mother?)

And when I'm given advice, I know it usually comes from a place of love and a love of sharing one's knowledge to help better the world. Parenthood is not for the faint of heart. There will be crying and poopy diapers and weird rashes and the need/want to shower. There will be a baby in first place, always, who needs her mother to cares about herself too; loves herself too.

It is not enough to love your children. You must love yourself. This means learning to make mistakes and not taking everything personally. Different parenting techniques are not a reflection on you as a "bad" parent. If you're even trying to contribute to your child's happiness, you are already a "good" parent. We all have different roads we walk - why do we all want our children and problems to look the same, and be so easy to master.

I am not saying being sleep deprived has made me a better person. Lord knows I need my sleep. But the Good Lord also invented coffee (and sugar! and milk!), and naps for babies, so I am not totally without resources. And I am worthy. I am a daughter of the Lord and I do not struggle in vain.

Mamas, you are not doing this journey alone either! Find the joy in every day, and as my husband told me one morning after a very crabby night: Today is a new day! Make the most of it, and be happy.

Morning y'all!

Do you love yourself? You're the first teacher of self-love. Because we can show our children how to be happy. We can teach them what joy is, even when the skies grow dark. We teach them that in Christ, everything is possible -- even if that everything is one, small task of love. To-do lists don't matter when we look at eternity.

As St. Catherine of Siena said: "Start being brave about everything. Drive out darkness and spread light. Don’t look at your weaknesses. Realize instead that in Christ crucified you can do everything."

GHB, I wish you many months of happiness as you continue to approach your one year birthday. I am so proud of you! I love your smile, your laugh, your silliness, and the way you love your mom and dad. You are so patient with us. You are so strong during PT sessions. You are so good natured and snuggly. You are interested in the world, and an interesting little human. 

Will does the best voices for Frog and Toad

At 9 months, she:

• Sits independently
• Transitions around her toys
• Rolls
• Eats solids (mum-mums and blended fruits with oatmeal are her favorites!)
• Recognizes voices and faces
• Says "Ahhhhhhhh" and "mommomommomom" (especially when she wants me!)
• Expresses displeasure and happiness
• Laughs
• Pays attention and responds to stories and songs
• Picks up objects using hands, fingers, toes and sometimes her mouth (very resouceful!)

I hear her talking outloud as I type this...

Grace Harriet, you're growing up so fast! I hear you waking up! Mama is coming. You are loved.

O Lord, More Sleep Please: National Day of Prayer Edition

Today, I felt like an Easter person. A person who celebrates Easter in her heart and not just her head. I really feel the power of new life and second chances upon me.

It started so early Monday morning, when I thought we were going to miss my 6 am flight because I forgot about the Jazz Festers needing to head home, and in prayed fervently to Mama Mary to help me reach the plane in time. She delivered, understanding the extra stress it would have been since I carried my seven month old in her baby ergo and a bag with only 4 diapers.

I pray for my sanity.

We made our flight and Grace charmed all of our seat mates with her impeccable behavior, smiles, eyes, and winsome attitude. I felt very proud to be her mother.

I pray for Grace: her safety, her happiness, her life, her soul.

We flew to Philadelphia, where we met my mother-in-law and drove to Bethlehem, PA: home of the Peeps manufacturers (my favorite Easter treat) and our future home in a month and a half. Will stayed behind to go to class and gave me the task of finding our new home and prepping for our next step, which I accepted with glee.

I pray for Will and his time in residency: that is be fruitful and amazing learning experience.

At first, I was excited because I am ready for more SPACE. I feel cramped in our townhouse, and I don't want to hear the neighbors. I want Grace to have a play area, Will to have a man cave/dark room to sleep during the day, and I would love an office- and maybe double all those rooms as guest areas. More storage space too, please.

I pray our application is accepted, and for our new landlord. I pray we are safe and protected in this next home. I pray in thanksgiving for our current living arrangement and for our awesome realtor.

Last Sunday, after the last our house guests left, and the house returned to that comfortable quiet I feel when it's just the three of us, living and breathing and enjoying each other, the conversation turned to Baldwin Bebe #2 and speculation on when he or she would join us. And it really wasn't until Monday, sitting on an airplane, holding my baby, that I realized what a marvelous gift this next child would be, and for all my stressing, another baby sounds like the most delightful plan I can think of - and yes, Grace is teething right now.

Two weeks after we conceived Grace, I went to one of our parish priests to discuss my possible pregnancy (a test had not yet been taken) and he told me it was okay to feel anxiety, excitement and wonder. Will and I wanted to have kids right away... but this seemed fast? It was a new understanding of "in God's time" with our active participation. He told me that Mary felt the same way when the angel came to her, and what really matters was her yes, her fiat.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with you...

I'll never stop writing or cooking or having to do laundry, but by jingo! What's the point of being so happily married if we don't invite a few more characters on stage?

Lord, when it is time, we are ready. I pray you stay close to us in our marriage and in parenthood, and that our lives will glorify you.

Life never gets simple. People who are bored are missing the chances to find new hobbies, get to know themselves better, seek out interests and interesting people. If I had one prayer, it would be in thanksgiving for coffee. I had the worst sleep habits before my baby. I still have them, but reasons change for why I've changed them (necessity for my own sanity). I overuse the word "yes" and Grace has given me new reasons to indulge her rather than myself. I like the shift in scenery.

So, I write to you today to share the fear that has been lifted from my heart. The fear of the unknown and inexperienced: because our second baby is going to be just as awesome as Grace, and stretch our hearts further and wider.

Jesus suffered death for me; I can suffer suspense and a little sleep deprivation for the sake of the Kingdom.

Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.

Five Favorites (v. 8)

Traveling with Grace has been a learning experience. I heard on the radio last week, in a "confessional" type program, a mom who wishes she had traveled more before having her kids. She said all parents thought this, and went on to say her laundry list of reasons why traveling with kids stinks.

Grace has traveled a lot - a handful of longer car rides, two plane flights, and two 1k mile round trips for Christmas and a MLK weekend/ on the residency interview trail, and all by her four month mark. But I hear, the older they get, the harder it becomes (for some parents).

I get it - it requires a lot more planning, lest you forget something essential (like, her binky). Here are my top 5 traveling with babies (sleep edition) favorites:

{one}

IKEA - Patrull nightlight (3.99)

We were given ours, but $3.99 is worth it times 10. It turns on when it is dark, stays on all night, and isn't overly distracting to other sleepers in the room, yet still light enough that Grace can see her hands in front of her face when she wakes up. Also comes in pink and white. Super easy to toss in the bag and go. Win-win-win.

{two} + {three}

Kidco - peapod travel sleeper ($69.99)

It's the ultimate travel bed with the way it folds up tight - easily in carry-on, if necessary. Big enough for kids up till 3 years, we put a soft blanket down, and then put Grace on top with another blanket and binky. We were half a foot away, and it great for late night feedings and daytime naps. Based on how our daughter sleeps, it works for us. We did not use it when she was under 6 months.

This picture was drastically brightened so... fuzzy wuzzy is my iPhone.

HoMedics SoundSpa Sound Machine ($19.99)

I love this thing. I love it so much, I am not giving up the one we bought for Grace. Grace has a new one, and I have one in our room. It helps me sleep, and if mama sleeps, the world is a-okay!

That elephant ($22.50) is reallyreally great too - my MIL bought it at Target, and it is just bedtime gold. Nothing says "Go to bed, Grace!!!!!!!" like stars projected on the ceiling and a lullaby tune for up to 45 minutes. My mother (who has been visiting) was amazed how easily Grace goes down with it!

{four}

Hanna Andersson pajamas ($34)

Also available in super cute stripes and other patterns

Okay, Hanna Anderson ANYTHING; but especially delicious pajamas. You will start singing The touch,/ the feel/, of coooooooottttten/ (the fabric of our lives!) after feeling how soft these pajamas are.

Warning: these comes in women sizes. You will be tempted to buy. (Do it!)

{five}

Halo Cotton Cable Sweater Sleepsack ($38) 

Sleepsacks: sleep wherever.

We forgot ours for the above pictured trip, but this sleep sack is classy. It keeps the babies warm, and makes them look good. Can we say, double win?

Girlfran looks good:

Sleepsack and wubbanub

Shout-out to Grace's wubbanub, which convinces me that life is better with the little pleasures.

Joining with Hallie for more fabulous favorites!

The Answer to Your Problems

The answer is a nap.

A nap won't directly solve any problems, of course. A clear mind, however, is innovative, focused and less emotionally-charged than a tired one. My problem-solving skills increase ten-fold if I am well-rested.

Am I currently well-rested? Well... not by any standard definition. I am, however, wiser than my former mindset that the minimum amount of sleep will carry me through life. Perhaps in the short term (college), sleepless night were a badge of honor. But now, when I hear babbles or crying through the baby monitor, I want to cry back. No no no no no no no no not now. It's 2:30 a.m. It's 3:30 a.m. It's 4:30 a.m. It's not time to get up. It's still dark outside.

When people ask me if my life is forever changed by having a baby, I think they really mean my sleep habits. So, I give them the un-wanted two part answer, complete with clauses:

• No, because babies are a positive addition and not a waste of resources or time. I do not feel less of myself and more of a mom - I feel more myself, more a wife, and more a mom. Vocations grow out of love, and hardships (early wake-up calls, teething monsters, etc.) are borne out of love because they were created out of love, give you love, recieve your love. 

• Yes, in all practical senses. I now have a small human being who depends on me. Grace could die without me, as I am her food source. Her father and I also provide for her emotional needs, protect her, and dress her in cute outfits. I am also way more tired than I ever thought possible, and I drink more coffee to compensate.

• Clause 1: There will be struggles. The two weeks after Grace was born, my mom made me take naps, more than when I was little. (I, unfortunately, grew out of those too quickly.) Even now, Will makes me go to bed almost every night because I dwaddle and relish in all my "free time" - forgetting, of course, that Grace is a ticking time bomb just waiting to wake up and be fed and whose diaper might even need a changing. And if it's in the middle of a REM cycle, so be it! And if I'm having a particularly crabby day and he happens to be home, he gives me the "Sleep when your baby sleeps, Julie" speech and shuts the door behind him. 

• Clause 2: It feels good to be coddled. Baby-raising (and growing!) is hard work, and it's okay to let someone take the lead and take care of you, be it your husband, parents, in-laws, siblings, friends, or community.

• Clause 3: You will be tired, and you will be happy.

I should also say that I am a terrible sleeper. I love sleep, but falling asleep is hard for me. As a result of having a baby, I'm actually becoming a better sleeper simply by merit of being forced to recognize that I go to sleep now, or tomorrow I'll be the creature from the Black Lagoon. I'm also just plain beat by 10 p.m.

Post-feeding: this sleeping baby is tired because she woke up at 6:30 a.m.!

Sleep helps us tackle the big problems, the little problems, and the in-between tasks of the day that require much energy and concentration, and mostly focus. When I get a decent amount of sleep, I can make morning mass, have a good breakfast, exercise, be moderately productive around the house, write more, remember morning and noon prayers, and be mostly sane when Will gets home.

You know, the good things in life.

#7QT: home is where the food is

What a week. I'm exhausted!

{one}

I found a realtor this week. I said a small prayer before scouring the bowels of the internet for a good one, and I cold-called an awesome lady who laughs and chats as much as I do, talked up Bethlehem, and sent me 20+ houses to peruse that night. Good vibes.

I'm giggly excited over living in a house, and establishing our third home as a family. Fine, I'm really excited to decorate... and our own space, with no neighbors to listen to (even though they do have good taste in music). I'm in love with IKEA's look book, and finally having more space to spread out instead of using our kitchen table as my desk, our bedroom and nursery as extra storage, and better baby-proofing the kitchen and bathroom areas.

{two}

On that note, any tips on selling furniture? I was thinking Craigslist. We have a couple things it would be better to sell than move 18+ hours north.

{three}

A professor of mine in college, Dr. Bart, taught me English literature and that gardening is life's greatest sport. While living down south, I've had the opportunity of admiring everyone's lovely garden, or at least the perpetual greenness of the grass and the leaves in the [palm] trees.

I love Kate's "yes!" to doing something beautiful.

I think gardening will be an excellent start to cultivating a love of imperfection. I might start here.

{four}

Speaking of beautiful - these pictures! I melt. (And!! Don't miss the baby and french bulldog slide show at the end.)

If you're into craft brew, twins, and trans-Atlantic rivalries, this story is for you.

"Six Little Known Musical Portraits of the Sea" - I think the title says it all! Epic.

Brittany writes on her top seven vocation reads - what would you add to it?

No big deal: Hillsdale College grad here, and we can really say "We're Number 1!" They forgot to list me under notable alumni, though... weird.

But I read all these books for my thesis!! Notable and quotable, I am.

{five}

I'm entering that stage of postpartum living where I actually try to look decent every day. That might sound like a laugh ("lofty goals today, Julie!"), but, you know what? It is. Because Grace doesn't judge me or my extremely comfortable yoga pants. As an esteemed professor once told our class, "It takes just as much effort to put on a regular pair of pants as sweatpants."

Well... yes and no. But the point is there. I consider myself dressed once my pants are on. Next step: where are the good looking nursing tops??

My exciting discoveries of the week are two-fold:

• Uber Chic for Cheap website is a goldmine, especially the postpartum section -- it is not lost on me that everyone is goo-goo for the preggo mom, but not the mom who is nursing and just trying to look decent in her new body shape.
• The Jones Market is an etsy store with lovely, baby friendly necklaces. My MIL bought me a similar one, and Grace likes it so much that I might need to supplement my jewelry, which always steps up a girl's glamour.

What I'm really trying to say here is: It's a completely different game dressing yourself when it's just for you and the baby, and it's really time to start winning that game.

{six}

Happy six months to this little lady!

Because I'm happy!

"Oh hai, Dad!"

{seven}

Food has been on my mind a lot recently. I've been reading two cookbooks by James Beard, and I think I need to spend more time studying cuts of meats. Ham hocks? Where do I even get that?

Red beans: I'm ready.

This week, I cooked*:

Sunday: Nothing. Chinese food, y'all.
Monday: fish stew + rolls
Tuesday: petite steaks, pesto pasta, rum cake (Will's birthday!)
Wednesday: red beans and coconut milk rice {this last part was a huge, huge mistake to fix in the rice cooker}
Thursday: plain cajun rice and meaty red beans
Friday: more fish stew tonight
Saturday & Sunday: more red beans and fish stew

What will the menu be next week? I'm thinking of fixing little omelets in muffin tins because, as I sleep train Grace, mornings are getting harder [than usual]. This Amish cinnamon bread looks enticing as well. And maybe this soup for Friday? Lisa Schmidt is hosting Soup & Stories over at The Practicing Catholic -- for delicious soups and warm stories, check it out! I'll be posting there on April 11.

*plus sides of carrots or spinach salad; I'm thinking of sauteing corn and carrots this weekend.

Happy Friday!! UK vs. UL game tonight... game on. Joining with Jen on a plane!

Lent: Spiritual and the Physical Needs

TBM Topic #39: Lent

At Ash Wednesday service, Father spoke about Lent being a time of positive change, not just avoiding sweets. I really took this to heart, as no sweets + {spiritual discipline} is my go-to Lenten offering.

This year, I am going in a different path: discipline.

Oh, how I need more discipline! I am distracted and focused and productive, but not disciplined. I am working on discipline because it is accountability. It is understanding that I am responsible for me. It is me taking care of me (with the help of others, mainly Will and God); it is acknowledging my weakness and offering it all up to Christ, who is the only one who gives me the grace and strength I need each day.

My Lenten Disciplines

• Confession every two weeks (minimum)
• Rosary every night with Will
• Forgiving a person who hurt me in the past
• Bed by 11 p.m.
• Exercise 3x/ week (minimum)

First, the spiritual disciplines:

Confession and rosary are two spiritual disciplines we (as a couple and as a family) have been trying to do more often, and Lent is providing a wonderful opportunity for us to be more serious about it. We usually combine a nice long walk with saying the rosary, which helps with the weekly exercise goal too.

In addition to the rosary, I like using Scripture for a deeper and more meditative prayer. For Christmas, my father gave all of his kids a small book entitled The Scriptural Rosary: A Modern Version of the Way the Rosary was Once Prayed Throughout Western Europe in the Late Middle Ages and it gorgeous. {My dad bought it at the local Catholic book store - the link works too.}

Forgiveness of said person is the one only I can solve with Christ. I have verbalized it to that person (not always the answer for difficult situations, but it was appropriate for this one), and from there, I learn to let go and forgive so that this life is not filled with the regret that anger and grudges often weighs heavily against the grudger more than the accused.

By victimizing one's circumstances, even if justified, it can cripple one's ability to truly experience life. There will still be hurts and disappointments, but there will also be more causes for joy and love. It is about switching one's mindset from victim to survivor. It is about meaning the words when I pray "and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us."

I can say that, while all is not solved, Christ has already given me so much peace in my heart that was certainly not there before; he has given me a second chance at a better relationship with said person and him too, whose love I was not fully accepting because my anger kept me at bay. Since letting go, I am freer. I am happier. I am more at peace. I wish this for all struggling to forgive, or feel forgiven.


'Tis grace that brought me safe thus far/ And grace will lead me home.

Now, physical discipline:

I really struggle in these areas. Tell me not to eat that cookie, fine. Mastered.

But bed by 11 p.m.?

Yeah, that has hardly happened yet. I get so excited at Grace being asleep that I do ALL THE THINGS!!! Nonetheless, Will's been giving me the "sleep when your baby sleeps" speech, because I am a mess in the morning. We are moving into sleep training, but once 5 a.m. hits, all bets are off. Grace is so happy to be alive and is ready to groove. I am staring at her through bleary eyes because I stayed up too late.

Tonight is another night, right?

Grace in the morning. So happy and ready to go!

Which moves me into exercise... one reason I stay up is because I have all my energy at night, and the horrible staying up cycle continues. I love being active; I hate feeling like I am out of shape or too tired to even go on a walk. I try to keep up with postpartum exercise videos, but it's so beautiful outside, and I want to get more cardio. I am currently using the Couch to 5k app, and that is a wonderful motivator for me. I've been given a glorious body, and I would hate to waste it and all its potential because I do not make its upkeep a priority.

The quote for last night's walk/run was "The longest journey begins with a small step taken by a brave person."

That is what Lent is: a small step towards our longer life journey. Lent is not about getting beach-bod ready or other external fixes; it's about internal. It's a way of the cross. It's taking up our own cross. It's saying, These are my human weaknesses, Jesus (as you already know): I acknowledge them, and I offer them up to you during these 40 days.

**

Join the Bright Maidens on Facebook and follow us on Twitter! Let us know what you are doing this Lent!

**

Bonus discipline: being careful with our food budget, and giving the saved funds to the Catholic Relief Services Rice Bowl Fund! Look for the small things you can do in your life, not the big motions. Giving $20 is better than giving nothing because you cannot give hundreds of dollars.

#7QT: Eating Our Way Through The Week

Back by popular demand... Grace Harriet here to dialogue about my week. It was Mom's birthday on Wednesday, so, between naps and feedings, we've been having a rawther good time.

{one}

My debut as Super Grace with my loyal sidekick (Mr. Muscle) went smashingly! The Lower Garden District is safe. Jackson Ave., I'm watching you.

Super Grace and Mr. Muscle

{two}

My people!

Mom's excited because it's her birdday

{three}

Those donuts. Dang. Mom made a good choice for breakfast. When do I start solids again?!

wedding cake & glazed

Even my not-a-sweets-person Dad duly enjoyed his:

Nom.

{four}

Then, we got a big package from Cincinnati! (What's Mom's is mine, right?)

And red velvet cupcakes!

{five}

Tulane sponsored a crawfish boil yesterday, which is Dad's favorite food. Dad said it was the best day of his life, but he clearly meant of that week... Because my arrival was the best, right? Right?!

Heaven will be a big ole crawfish boil

It was delectable. Not pictured: brass band playing. 

Hamming for the Gram.

Baldwin babes.

{six}

Mostly, though, I just like hanging out with my people. Both of them! 

Here's one before bed. While walking down memory lane, Dad showed me his cards.

Not pictured: Mom reading The Happiest Baby Guide to Great Sleep by Dr. Harvey Karp. Not sure why, I am super well-rested. I even get up early! 

{seven} 

Tomorrow, we'll watch the St. Patrick's Day parade down the Irish Channel! That and me rolling by myself for the first time... Quite a week! Mom is hosting My View link-up again tomorrow; you should join in too!

Happy weekend! Joining in with Jen!

The Lion Sleeps Tonight (And Other Infant Tales)

This week, I made the decision: I was going to go to confession.

I have not been since a few weeks before Grace was born, and was looking forward to the soul-cleansing; the more I've been physically healing from child-birth, the more I've been aching for confession. I made the decision to go. I planned out my day accordingly. We cleaned up the apartment, had friends stop by, ate meals, watched a few more Poirot episodes (my current indulgence), tried to nap with Grace, and went to the grocery store for the week.

We got back and put the food away. I popped Grace into her car seat and off we drove to the church, just in time for communion. Whoops. We were an hour late to confession.

Yet, I still served my penance (partly). Grace cried - nay, wailed - the whole drive over. And tonight, Miss Fussykins was not wholly satisfied with the service provided her. I held her and carried her and fed her. Will changed her and walked her and bounced her. We swaddled her and repeatedly stuck the binky in her sweet mouth and cooed love. I can successfully type that she is now asleep and the article I've been working on the past two days is still not complete.

Oh well. The every day can feel like a hamster wheel, or insignificant when you write out your to-do list and dutifully check the boxes. That all changed for me the day I had Grace. And I'm okay with that.

I used to think writing was my calling, and perhaps it still is. But I've lost a certain joy (and, truly, all sense of what "deadline" means in the world outside) and I'm working on re-claiming my love of words. Grace is breaking me in a completely different way than ideas ever could- grasping my heart and soul, making me re-evaluate how I'm living every day to make sure I'll be the best mother for her. For all that Will is and how he makes me want to be the best possible woman and wife, Grace is round two in my personal sanctification.

St. Vincent Ferrar said, "Whatever you do, think not of yourself, but of God." I certainly think of God when I'm stressed and feel like the maid ("I just cleaned up this mess!"). I try to say my morning and mass prayers with Grace, and evening prayers with Will. I am patient with Grace's crying as I know God is so, so, so, so patient with me - comforting and loving - even if she (and I) have to cry it out a bit before seeing reason (or the binky). And yes, I get frustrated and absent-minded too.

But what is life otherwise? How else can we seek God if we are not constantly feeling the need to fall on our knees in thanksgiving or contrition? What say you, dear reader?

Fine, I wish I had not been late to confession and finished my article. But I'm enjoying baby snuggles and a husband who makes me laugh and shows me all the good, and the small, mundane blessings that don't deserve their own blog post. Like sleep. Which I am in desperate need for more, so au revoir! Until my next ramble, ramble, ramble.

What the Opposite of Insomnia? Zombie Land.

When I was pregnant with Grace, I had insomnia, even while taking sleep medications. It was positively horrible. I was so tired that I couldn't do anything but think about how tired I was. I would try to pray the rosary, but forget where I was (usually counted on my fingers) or how to say the prayers. I would get up to work, bur be too tired to read or write. It was a fate worse than death - tired and unproductive by day and night.

So, pretty much preparing me for a normal life post-Grace.

Monday: Grace was awake between 2-4 a.m. As I fed her and burped her and changed her diaper (twice) and paced around the six steps between our bedroom door and the outside wall), I wondered, Why you were still awake?

Wednesday: Grace cried for 3-4 hours for seemingly no reason. Fortunately, before bed. 

No! Not my gum drop buttons!

Friday: We're having another crying day. She cried with her Dad. She cried with her Mom. She cried in the 10 minute drive to pick up Will from class, only to promptly fall asleep for the next two hours. After dinner, Miss Fussykins and I walked to Wal-Mart to look for a new day planner (no success, but Christmas decorations are out!), and she fell asleep. She's awake again, so this post will be short.

Her, earlier. I'm savoring that moment.

The opening to this morning's Psalm was Isaiah 28:8 - The Lord God will wipe away/ the tears from all faces. I laughed when I read that - thank you Lord! I need a good wiping too!

Grace is officially 15 days old today. She's expanded our hearts in so many ways, and stretched me further than I thought I could handle. When I was asked today "what I do all day", I said that my day starts around 3 a.m., when I feed Grace and change her diaper. Back to sleep. Then 6 a.m., when I feed Grace and change her diaper. Maybe sleep? (Will gets up around then; I'm toying with daily mass in the morning vs. before lunch.) Same for 9 a.m., etc. and all the way till the evening, when she goes to sleep for a few hours before her 3 a.m. wake-up call.

My mom left this morning, so this week will be our first alone - just Will, Grace and me. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law will be down in a week or so, but I already miss my mom (and not just because she fixed me an omlette every morning, made sure I ate plenty of vegetables, and believes strongly in dessert). She reminded me to nap and to suppress my "busy bee gene". She helped me not feel overwhelmed when Grace refused to be soothed. She carried Grace, changed her diapers, gave her baths, showered Grace with love, and introduced her to the "No Such Thing As Too Many Pictures" family motto.

Okay, you caught me. Binky to the rescue!

I'm so tired now. I can fall asleep and stay asleep. Tonight, on our quest for a new day planner, I could have sat down and snoozed for a few minutes. I walked around in a daze, jealous of Grace sleeping while being cuddled in the baby snuggly.

And it is such a good tired. The kind of tired after a good work-out; the kind of tired when you know you're doing a job well done. I'm tired, and I've never felt so fulfilled day after day. It really is amazing. I'm not totally organized - I did two loads of laundry and folded one - I did not make it to the grocery store - I'm still writing out thank you cards - I'm hopelessly behind on my real writing projects - I am content.

This evening's verse before the Canticle of Mary prayer is Acts 3:6 - Peter said, 'I have neither silver nor gold, but what I do have I give you: in the name of Jesus Christ the Nazarene, [rise and] walk.'

The beauty of living out one's purpose, one's vocation, is that one's soul is happy. The work load may be heavy or tedious or crabby, but the reasons for your work is in its fruits. I still can't believe how blessed I am to be married to Will and doubly blessed with our daughter. God is so good, and works through all the cracks of our flaws and failures to lead us on the path of salvation.

I fully admit that I'm a bit terrified of being a stay-at-home mom. I'll still be writing and editing, but even that has taken a backseat through my rough pregnancy and now recovering postpartum time. My mom worked outside the home while I was growing up (her vocation is in medicine as well as being a mom!), so my main influence has been a work-home balance. Fortunately, most of my mom's side as well as my mother-in-law stayed home with her kids, so I'll have many sounding boards.

Friends, how do you walk in this life? Is there a hop in your step or do you drag your heels? Do you consider your job part of your vocation or more of a career which will you will gladly relinquish one day?

Annnnnnnnd she's asleep (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). And so I adieu, adieu, to you, and you, and you! This zombie needs to re-charge her batteries.

The Need for Self-Care

Originally published at The Mirror Magazine

Last Sunday, I drove two and a half hours to a beach in Alabama with my husband and a friend, chatting and laughing and singing along to the radio and our CD collection. A couple hours later, we were driving back to New Orleans, with white sand stuck to all the crevices and skin (and in our hair), sunburns, and conversations that would dwindle off as a favorite song came into play.

Once we crossed back over the border into Louisiana, I asked my husband to drive because I was so tired. The waves had been strong and full, white-capping and carrying our bodies forward and onward. It takes strength to stand up against the tide, even when you dig your feet into the sand and swear you shan't move. But moving isn't the problem - it's where you end up. Let yourself get swayed, and you'll end up 20 feet down the beach. But maybe that's where the adventure starts? As I sat on the sand in the late afternoon and watched the sand crabs dive into their holes, I thought: this is self-care.

Self-care "refers to actions and attitudes which contribute to the maintenance of well-being and personal health and promote human development." Self-care starts with self-awareness.

What are you able to do? What do you want to do? Why are you feeling this way?

My husband likes reading on the beach between swims, and our friend took at least one nap on her towel, but as I was less than two weeks away from my due date (a week now!), I cannot lie on a towel without needing Will to physically help me up again or sit comfortably near the hot sand for so long. So, I thought, what do I want to do? And it was a wonderful feeling. I went and sat on the lower part of the beach, and let the waves wash over my legs and my belly, where my baby pokes me and teases me.

It's taken me nine months to get to the point where I can sit in the sand. I've never taken leisure time very seriously. There was work time, vacation time, quality time (with friends and/or family), chore time and productive time. Even sleep time got the short end of the stick, more often than not.

Leisure is not the same as self-care, but it can feel that way to me. Instead of being optional, however, self-care is possibly one of the most important things a person can do for herself. Self-care is a recognition of your limitations, a want to improve, and a desire for sanity. If a person does not relax, their body will become ragged and force rest upon them in forms of sickness or exhaustion, mental and physical.

Source

Self-care can come from necessity - my pregnancy forced me to re-evaluate how I never took time to rest. Self-care must become a habit, verses a special occasion.

I've focused my self-care on four areas: daily prayer, daily exercise, daily writing, and naps.

I've taken small steps - morning prayer, and daily mass once a week. Exercise for 30 minutes. Writing without publishing.

I learned to nap. I learned to sit down and watch. I learned that it was okay being passive, as long as you didn't get stuck there. I learned that it was okay to let people help you, and admit that you can't handle a work load.

This week, I think I'll paint my nails. I've organized the closets and re-written the chore and grocery list, for my own peace of mind. Now, to finish a few bigger projects and book reviews!

How do you self-care, reader? Do you self-care? Why or why not? What is holding you back if you're not?

New Year, New Name

Happy 2013, readers! I spent most of December 31, 2012 in four airports/ on a plane/ watching Muppet Treasure Island and The Hunger Games (God bless laptops and airports/planes with outlets!)/ writing/ trying not to annoy B. with my inability to decide what I wanted to eat. We got home super late, and I collapsed until quite late into January 1. It is certainly delightful to begin 2013 well-rested!

I am pleased as punch to finally let you know what my significant other's "B" stands for: Baldwin!

Our marriage ceremony

I'll still be referring to my dear husband as B. because he's the best! I'll also be publishing as J.R. Baldwin from here on (except on the blog- still Julie to y'all!). My twitter handle remains the same; updating Pintrest (how fancy!).

I am not sure how I feel about new years resolutions. On one hand, they are a great time to be introspective about things I'd like to change or do. I've never been exceptionally keen on having new years resolutions (I completed half of these), but after reading Hannah's list (who published my I Am Thankful For post!) and Leah's link-up, I decided to indulge.

I resolve to read the daily Mass readings and say a prayer of Spiritual Communion each day, especially if I am unable to attend daily Mass. Life is too short, and too busy- but I can never be too busy for God. I read my Magnificat, and still I need to trouble myself to be more diligent to God's word. This world is so beautiful, and yet my soul has yet to be properly prepared for the splendors of Heaven!

Bonus point: Daily mass! Morning prayer too!

Us on top of a mountain we climbed!

I resolve to have a happy heart and willing spirit to exercise. My husband is very excited about exercising together, and I should be open to the company! I've tried spinning, pilates and now yoga and I can report that it is more pride than lack of athleticism holding me back. Nike's right: I need to JUST DO IT!!

Bonus point: Make a schedule and stick to it! Drink more water and sleep at least 7-8 hours too.

I resolve to pray for vocations. So many of my dear brothers and sisters in Christ are single or searching for what the Lord has in store for them; let me assist and remember what it feels like to wander!

Bonus point: Write more posts on vocations as relationships editor of Ignitum Today.

I resolve to publish more. Severe time constraints (and pride) in 2012 kept me from updating this blog and meeting proper deadlines, and I am absolutely resolved in 2013 to hop back on the properly publishing train! I've written a lot, but published 20-30% of it (maybe). It's time to release more Julie Thoughts and Prose.

Bonus point: Blog more. It makes me happy, it makes dear readers happy: win-win!

I resolve to organize, purge, and be prudent. I have a lot of papers. I have a lot of memories. I have a huge to-scrapbook-and-create-adorableness box, and, at some point, I will have to face it. Especially since B. and I may move (again) in 6 months for his work. I also need to organize personal papers and finances to accommodate for my change in marital status.

Bonus Point: Get pictures into photo-books!

And, finally:

I resolve to seek beauty, love, hope and truth first. As Victor Hugo saith, "To love another person is to see the face of God."

I love him!

Any resolutions for 2013, dear readers?

No One Sleeps When I'm Awake

Driving around with B., and he put on The Sounds. This song filled the car:



Can you tell they're Swedish? Hm. I couldn't either. Although, the blonde should have been a clue!

I start nannying next week. Stay tuned for more fancy posts!

I'm Back in the States!

I'm back from Asia! I was in Busan, Daegu, Geoje Island and Changwon, South Korea, as well as Tokyo, Japan. It was amazing two week trip, and I can't wait to write about it!

Well, erm, actually, I can. I am majorly slacking on my Bright Maidens post too, I know. I promise to post it ASAP. If you're wondering what the hold up is, wonder no longer:

Heidi makes jet lag naps better!

Thanks for understanding.

Bring It On!

This morning, I hit my snooze button three times. Un, deux, trois. And it was raining outside. Delicious sleep. Then I remembered it was Ash Wednesday and leapt from bed. Then I realized it was too late to make 8 a.m. Mass.

Rats.

Part of my Lenten goals is to get up when my alarm goes off, on the first try. It's a self-discipline thing; when it comes to the morning hours, I am severely lacking. At least in college, when my sleep hours were highly erratic and I wouldn't think twice about pulling a week of all-nighters (we called them "graveyard shifts" among the Americans Studies majors), I could bounce out of bed at the thought of being late for class or not being productive enough. Since entering the Real World, however, those short sleeping hours do not cut it. I cling to every minute I can spend horizontal, with my eyes closed and my blankets piled on top of me.

Thus, for Lent, I am giving up hitting my snooze button.

Do y'all ever feel that way? The comfortable tide of living your life, even when you know you're being naughty (ahem, abusing my snooze button), continues to roll you through the days until... you hit Lent.

Things I am giving up for Lent:
1. hitting my snooze button
2. keeping my crackberry on my desk/ near me
3. sweets (especially [girl scout] cookies and [birthday] cake, but not fruit pies)

I will also be going to confession and adoration at least once a week as a spiritual exercise, as well as multiple Masses during the week, not just Sunday.

On the plus side, Dad and I got fish and chips for lunch today as our one big meal (Ash Wednesday is a day of fasting in the Catholic Church), and it was delicious.

Last night was fun too! With 5/8th of the family home, the Robisons had a little Fat Tuesday party at dinner...

Boo made a cake and decorated for March!





Boo and Mom with the king cake Boo baked! Mom was the "king" of Fat Tuesday!



Even our cat donned some beads! Then demanded his Fancy Feast.

I'll go to Mass tonight. I really love the Ash Wednesday service, and I look forward to getting ashes on my forehead. I didn't always, but a few years ago, I traveled to Washington, D.C. on Ash Wednesday. I was terribly nervous about traveling and being so public with ashes on my forehead. I suppose I could have wiped them off (there is no rule about keeping them on), but then, I would have felt ashamed of myself. Like I was ashamed of being a Christian. So off to the Detroit International airpot I went, large ashes on my forehead, and my suitcase behind me!

The experience was transforming. The way people treated me, the conversations I got into, the kindness I experienced from strangers on that day has not been forgotten.

One man, while we were going on security, started talking to me about how he fell away, but how he wished he had gone today; how he was going to reunite with his brother in South America. As he left, we both turned to each other, smiled, and said "God bless."

A little girl from L.A. asked me if I had a tattoo on my forehead, and I explained that, in my religion, today was a day of repentence as we prepare for Lent, and the coming of Jesus. That might have been over her head, but I smiled and I hope a seed was planted. I might have been the first Christian she met!

Even last month, when I went to Georgia, I usually pray a rosary on my flights. I'm not super-showy about it, but the man diagonally behind me still tapped me on the arm and said, "Thanks!" I smiled and said, "for what?" He sort of pointed at my hands, where my rosary was wrapped around my left hand, and said, "you know, that. Extra protection and all!" I thought that was funny, and reassuring how people still find comfort in the power of people praying.

By having the visible signs of repentence (e.g. the ashes in the sign of the cross on one's forehead), it humbles a person before the eyes of others. I found out on Monday that anyone- non-believers and other Christians- can receive the ashes. It is not a sacrament, but rather, a visible sign of mercy to those who wish to repent. I am glad we can all share in this.

Giving up stuff for Lent can be seen as superfluous and simply a false offering, but it is meant to draw the person closer to Christ. The discipline it takes to not eat candy or volunteer at the shelter every week or not hitting one's sister while riding a bike shows an attitude towards God's grace. Conversion becomes a reality, every day.

In terms of a Lenten sacrifice, one of the ladies at RCIA on Monday told the group this and I love it:

If you are having problems with God, focus on prayer.
If you are having problems with you, focus on fasting.
If you are having problems with others, focus on almsgiving (charity).

And a very happy Ash Wednesday to you all! For two good reads, check out "Eliot’s Ash-Wednesday, 81 years later. Timeless. Sacramental." by Brad Birzer and "Why We Need Lent" by Fr. George Rutler. Many blessings on your day!