True Grit: Three Kids Under Three

This month has been one of grind. The grind of taking care of sick children, the grind of preparing for classes, the grind of gritting one's teeth and doing SOMETHING because you are the person who makes things happen. The grind of fixing food and watching it being thrown to the floor, the grind of keeping the kids on a schedule, the grind of cleaning up again and again and again... We moved the girls' dresser out of their room, but during one nap time in the guest room, Grace climbed out of bed and removed all the clothes, where they remain today. (It's been weeks of mess now.)

Grind.

Recently, I ground coffee for the first time. I am not sure how I feel about it. Is it worth the extra 20 seconds? Did my coffee taste different? The creamer and milk tasted nice with it. Will's uncles sent us coffee beans and tea for Christmas. They all smell good.

There I was, churning those beans into a fine substance, when I was struck by the whirling gear parts. What a novel little invention! I wonder who set forth to make coffee grinding affordable and easy.

I am the grinder in our family. I make it look easy, though my gears are constantly changing. I'm told that I make it look easy, and I don't know how you do it! 

All four of us at the grocery store, making "it" happen... it being, not starving

I do not have any special training, except if you count college. In college, I was excessive. I took too many classes, joined too many clubs, wrote multiple articles every month, wrote multiple papers every month, and laughed a lot. I had bad times and glad times, and times I wanted to leave college and never go back. (Looking at you, sophomore year.) I grew so much. I grew up so much. I gained the most valuable skill: innovation.

It is through innovation that the grind seems less heavy and more interesting. What am I going to get done today? How can I persuade toddlers to fight less and clean up more? I was thinking about this as  I was signing forms at Grace's outpatient therapy last week. You know what? I just am--because I am their mama bear.

My innovation of the month is dividing the conquering the kids belongings. In the front room, we now have one basket of toys. That's it. It's mostly their blocks, one little bag (Grace loves stuffing it over capacity), two Melissa & Doug flashlights and a smattering of baby toys. Pick up was never so easy.

The house is still an overall wreck as I fight against inertia, but we're all doing better and continue to recover from the plague. My students are taking their midterms this weekend, so I'm hoping to dive through more of our stuff. But enough of this boringness. Here's how I actually do it.

It's 5 a.m. somewhere... but I am not awake 

Coffee Duh. Don't even try to exist without it. I am trying a new regimen: coffee in the morning, tea in the afternoon and bone broth in the evening for warm protein before bed. In between, I attempt to drink a lot of water. Yep, a lot. I'm very specific around here.

My cousins bought us a 12 cup coffee maker as a wedding present. It is our best friend in the morning. We used to have a french press, but one of our children broke it and we honestly did not use it enough to re-purchase. We are more of an instant gratification couple when it comes to our morning brew. My new tea pot is a french press for tea, so it's the best of all worlds.

Finally, why bone broth? I'll admit that I bought Bare Bone Broth at our local Wegmans to support Katherine (a college classmate and friend) and her husband. They started this company from the ground-up, and it's been amazing to witness their commitment to creating a quality product. When I tasted the chicken broth, I really liked it. The cost had thrown me a bit ($8.50/ea), so I purchased a competitor's brand to also try. Hands down - this is not an ad and I am not being paid - Bare Bone Broth is divine, with a subtle flavor that is both comforting and not overwhelming. I love that each serving has 13g. of protein because as a breastfeeding mom + someone who is trying to eat better, I'm all too prone to eat whatever is easiest instead of what is best, especially when I am starving before bed. I am extra glad I bought two bags.

Bonus: kerfir (probiotic) and smoothies (whole lotta vegetables), so I am essentially existing on a liquid diet. Don't forget about red wine before bed.

Marriage

Do you know why you have kids? I know, this is a trick question. You are probably married. (Shout out to single mamas, because you are a warrior!!!) Maybe you have one child and you think having three kids is impossible and I'm crazy and hahahaha Julie, okay, mhm. As confusing as this may sound, I do not recommend three kids under three without an amazing working relationship with your spouse. Will is patient, kind, never yells, always listens (even when he thinks I am wrong, wink), and... fine, he is essentially a magical unicorn when it comes to focus, be it cleaning or child care.

Then again, he gets to leave the house on an almost daily basis so his sanity is more in-tact than mine. I also take care of all our paperwork, which is special circle of nonsense, and have committed myself to cleaning the mess that never ends.

Will and I have a very strong marriage. We have walked (are still walking) through multiple rings of fire and seeing each other at our worst, sharing in struggles, and learning to be truly vulnerable with each other in a respecting, loving way is a work in progress every day. Our marriage is ours, and it works wonderfully. Our secret? We work on it every single day.

What does that look like for us. Our reality: Will works long hours. 60-80+ hours/week. That is especially draining for me since I am primary caretaker for three children/ wish I had a household chores fairy/ teach online/ transport G to school and therapy/ grocery shop/ whatever else needs to be done BECAUSE I AM THE MAMA BEAR (rawr!).

Our how-to-love-each-other-when-we're-stretched-thin includes:

• Physical intimacy. Top of our list, for sure. This is not just sex - it's kissing, snuggling, hand holding, hugs, flirting... Physical touch is important, period. Nothing says "I love you" like a nice head and neck massage. I also take Will dinner regularly at the ED because then we all get hugs, even if it took 20x as long to get there than actually spending time together. The hugs and smiles are always worth it. 
• Emotional intimacy. We treat each other with respect, love and care especially when we don't feel like it.
• Communication. The bedrock of us. We do not presume anything. We do not assume anything. We do not think we know what the other person is feeling. We ask, we talk, we discuss, we disagree, we conclude. This is hard, this is vulnerable, and this is where pride falls.
• Space. Will and I established the term "mellow" when we want to be left alone; e.g., I'm just feeling mellow. 
• Encouragement. Who doesn't want to hear often that our dearest one thinks we are awesome? Who doesn't love when your loved one fixes you coffee?
• Common interests. Will and I are very different people with different interests. This year, we're reading a book/month together. Nothing heavy, just fun. We play board games together and an online card game called Hearthstone. We discuss current events and usually share a few seasons of a fun show to watch together. 
• Date night! On Friday, we ordered pizza, fed the kids, played with them, put them to bed, and spent the whole evening hanging out. We didn't go anywhere and it was awesome. If you can go out, that's great too. We just try to have fun together by doing something a little out of the ordinary. 

For us, our marriage is our top priority. It doesn't matter what else is happening if we're not on the same team? Our jobs and our kids won't contribute to our happiness the same way our marriage does. We do our jobs better when Will and I support each other in those endeavors. We raise our children better when they know their parents love and support each other as well as themselves. This is all a season, but if we treat each other poorly because life is going poorly, then we are not living out our vows.

Nutrition

For the past two months, I have put WAY more vegetables into my diet and lost 5 lbs so far. I do not like vegetables very much, but I'm always hungry. I am practicing the art of meal planning. Sometimes, it goes really well and I prep in advance and it's awesome. Sometimes, I just wing it. That works out too, especially if I have the ingredients already in the fridge.

Last night, we ordered pizza. This week, I'm fixing ham and lentil soup (for Will), Pioneer Woman's Hamburger soup (for me - vegetable hardy!), and trying out a few recipes in my new Mark Bittman cookbook. Stay tuned. I also try to take a lot of vitamins and my PPD medicine every day.

I don't have any secrets for meal planning - stay realistic, stay consistent, and know what works. I found two amazing prep recipes for chicken breasts and chicken thighs, which helps with the weekly meals. Carb, protein, vegetable; dairy and fruit in between meals. Keep the sweets away from me, Satan!

Schedule

Julie, you have told me nothing about having kids. What is going on in this post?? Look ladies- whether you are a SAHM, WAHM (like me), or working outside the home, you must take care of yourself. It's not a luxury. Little babies depend sosososo much on their mamas.

We keep a pretty strict schedule dictated by: meals, therapy, Grace's preschool, my teaching, rest/bed time, and (as of this week) exercise. These are all non-negotiable. I am also adding in 4 p.m. exercise for myself, because I am usually tired then, but it's the most convenient. I also feel way better when I am exercising regularly, mentally and physically.

For those who have small children who do not nap any more, I strongly encourage you to create some sort of rest period with them. If Grace refuses to nap, she still has to do a quiet activity or lay on the couch with her her blanket. She, like me, gets overstimulated and extra cranky when tired.

Keep a strict schedule and be flexible when necessary. Be willing to throw yourself on the couch and watch t.v. instead of folding laundry. Ha, you're right--who folds laundry?

Spirituality

I try to reading the mass readings every day, thanks to the Magnificat subscription my Dad bought for me. Sometimes I remember, sometimes I don't. I pray every day even if it to say, "LORD BE WITH ME PLEEEEEEEEEASE ttyl". Keeping in touch with God is very important in my life. Mass every week is hard, and we're currently going to mass separately. Flu season/ constant runny noses + agile children is not a great combination.

Trust Yourself.

I have a group of friends who are in the same season as me, and this has taught me that, no matter what path we're walking, we're the only ones who can do it. Only I can take care of my three children. I can ask for help, I can ask for advice, I can get help - but at the end of the day, I am their mother. Period. I decide what their schedule is, what their activities will be, what will happen when they are naughty, how to celebrate life, and be there for all the in-between moments. Every mom needs to turn off the FOMO radar, close your eyes, and accept your life. Whatever it is, you are in control over your attitude and decisions. No one else can be the heroine of this story.

Work it out

I repeat: if you do not take care of yourself, you cannot take care of others.

But sometimes, it's just making the day work for you. If you've made a delicious meal for your kids but you spent the whole time yelling at them, then you are probably an empty well in need of a spa day. That means, if Will is working late (or at all), and I am tired, we embrace a meal I call "toddler tapas". This means I lay out beach blankets for a picnic, and the girls get to decide on what snacks will become their dinner. You know what? THEY LOVE IT. We watch a show, we eat a semi-balanced meal, and then we get ready for bed. Motherhood should be fun. And even when it's not, you have the power to give the kids early bed time if the crankiness is unreal. Work it out, mama. You've got this.

**

I recognize that each of these topics could have plenty more posts written, but we'll save those for another day so I stop putting off publishing this one. So here's a picture of me and my new bunny sweater. Keeps me warm and it's adorable.

Hey y'all, it's me, Julie...

A final note: I don't necessarily recommend people having three kids under three. Will and I are not a "have as many children as possible" couple. I do not believe "be fruitful and multiply" means this because we, as parents, have a moral responsibility towards the care of our children. But we did want our kids to grow up close in age, and even though it is pretty dang hard, it is a season. I recognize this, embrace it, and pass on my wisdom.

Okay, one more note: I read an article that is similar to this one and the mom says she cleans the house before she leaves it and that works for her. That doesn't work for me. You do you, mama. I believe in you!!!!

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#write31days: PostPartum Depression and Eating

One of the most important things a lady can do while depressed is to watch the kind of food consumed by the body. I have the tendency to eat a lot of sugar. It's not every meal - it's just the constant snacking, and mindless eating - especially when I am feeding the toddlers, but not myself.

My new sport is meal planning. I spend time deciding what kinds of food I want for the week, and I try to balance all the food groups.

• In the morning I need coffee and protein (in some capacity, does not have to be meat). I try to add in fruit every day as well.
• For lunch, I need a non-sandwich which gets me through class + raw fruits and vegetables. I am trying out salad bags - I literally load spinach salad, walnuts, dried cranberries, feta cheese and anything that isn't wet into a sandwich bag. Wa-la! At lunch time, it's ready to eat. 
• For snacks, I need something un-heavy and hopefully resembling a vegetable. I like plain greek yogurt with honey and walnuts too, or smoothies with spinach leaves.
• For dinner, I want a meal which appeals to my husband and two toddlers... this is my greatest challenge. Possibly deserving of another post...
• For dessert, anything that can pretend to be healthy.

Among the many different ways that I am learning how to be the best version of myself (even when it is trying) is to watch my diet. I am definitely affected by sugar, and though I will not cut it from my diet wholly (hello, coffee creamer, you old minx) ever-ever, I think that it is important to make sure I am not filling up on gummy bears meant for potty training, or pretending that cereal is a competent dinner plan.

My favorite cookbooks:

• The Feed Zone // written for athletes, and works for people looking for fast, healthy foods
• The New Best Recipe // if you ever wanted to know the "why" behind the recipe, this is the tell all book. I've never made a bad recipe from this book.
• Mad Hungry: Feeding Men and Boys // so many ideas, especially since my husband is all about the meat + grain. The oatmeal chocolate chip cookie recipe is my favorite, though.

My favorite websites:

• The Kitchn // my favoritest website; anything you have ever wanted to know about the kitchen and cooking basics/ secrets can be found here.
• Minimalist Baker // 10 ingredients or less? Yes please.
• Budget Bytes // affordable and creative meals.
• The Lemon Bowl // delicious and nutritious eats!

What are you eating? Can you tell how your diet affects your life?

**

My "rules" for this series are short (especially before commenting): this topic is personal and I am currently living in it. This is not an abstract for a dissertation. I do not have 20/20 hindsight yet. I don't need any medical advice, as I keep in close communication with my own PA + Dr., as well as being married to one. My husband and I practice many different types of coping mechanisms as well, which I will write about too. My situation is 100 percent unique and I am writing only about myself. These posts are directed at no one, and still, I am opening myself up to share my experiences. If I can help one person, it will be worth it. Please respect this adult conversation at face value.

**

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Bless Us O Lord, and These Thy Gifts, Which You are About to Grade...

What would you do if you could NOT fail?

Absolutely NOT fail.

NOT.

NOT POSSIBLE.

When my students and I study history, we're studying what happened - mistakes, humans, innovation, power grabs, glory, false pride and unbearable arrogance; then again: virtue, peace, honor, loyalty and adventure. There is plenty of failure in history - failure to understand, failure to compromise, failure to integrate, failure to say "enough"... we study history so as to not repeat the failures, hopefully, among other better reasons.

Then, I'm out of the classroom and I'm just Mom. I'm fixing dinner and fixing hair.

That's life; there is no failure possible. There is no timeline, there is only now. If there is any failure, it's failure to love - failure to be kind, failure to be patient. Lately, while I have not been blogging, I've been meal planning (my new sport), re-arranging our house, massively purging, too much laundry, and backing out of over-commitments. It's been very refreshing. I've also been bowing out of time commitments, including being editor in chief of Ignitum Today. It just was not a good outlet for me, and life is too short to overcommit. I'll keep writing and editing a few people, but I'm lowering my expectations of output into the world. I'm taking a break from graduate school; some days I wonder if I should even be there. My home base matters the most.

I'm not the boss of my house. I don't run my house like a company, and I certainly lack the organization to even claim non-profit status. Ever since Laura dumped out all our Very Important Papers (shame on me for leaving the lid unlocked one day), I'm re-arranging and re-organzing everything. I like it. It's a slow process, and I like learning how I like things as I go along.

I was telling my dad how I almost signed up for a painting class. As I embrace my avocation as an artist, and start to branch out more regularly into my art, a class seemed like a natural next step. Then I laughed. The girls are in swim lessons right now, and I'm still in the beginning of the school year. I need to let myself wait for another season, and just play around with my paints and ideas for now.

It's natural to want to master something, and everything. Have the right opinions, know everything already. Maybe that is why I like being a teacher - you realize that there is always something to learn. There is nothing wrong with being a novice, perhaps perpetually. It's that learning curve we're all chasing.

Well, I'm done running. After life, at least. The greatest advice I ever got (thanks Meg!) was to jump off the hamster wheel, because when you have a child with special needs, everything changes. Mostly,  hard-earned joy. I love having a reason to say NOPE WE'RE DOING IT OUR WAY. Because of Grace? Sure. And Laura, Stephen, Will and me too. We all have different needs, and that's how we direct our family. As we reach the end of residency, I cannot dismiss the life Will and I lead before he gets a "real" job. Our life isn't defined by his employment. Our worth isn't wrapped up success. We love each other because we belong to each other, as a family.

So no, I can't fail at being a mom. I might be running late or ignoring the pile of boxes from Amazon or [fill in the blank], but IT HAPPENS. Will overcooked the spinach ravioli and we both rolled with it. Grace refused to eat her birthday dinner but devoured her birthday cake. Laura wrecks the house again? Doesn't mean I did not just clean it. Stephen gets up multiple time during the night so I'm yawning in class? Yep. Who knows what is next, or even the plan this weekend? Not this girl. That is a win in my book.

**

I've heard from a lot of friends that they are "failing"... but to fail in my history classes, you don't show up to class and you don't do the work. No matter your vocation in life, few people do neither. Way to go, you! God only asks what is possible.

**

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28).

**

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Happy Life, Messy Wife

A few nights ago, I felt upset. It's hard to distinguish, sometimes, between burn-out, postpartum depression and exasperation. Our babysitter cancelled, Will was half-awake after a night shift and dinner was not made. Laura dumped out all our shoes again. I had cleaned the whole house earlier and felt so good... Then the girls did not nap; then no relief; then no time to prep for the next day's lesson; then up too late. I was falling down and only a zillion chocolate chip cookies (which we had none) would numb the pain. But then Will said something and, as uninspired as it was, it was the kick that told me: messes come and go. You matter. Messes don't.

I'm listening to The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin on Audible. I like it so much that I sent it home and told my Dad that the family should read this together. The Apple blurb says,

Gretchen Rubin had an epiphany one rainy afternoon in the unlikeliest of places: a city bus. “The days are long, but the years are short,” she realized. “Time is passing, and I’m not focusing enough on the things that really matter.” In that moment, she decided to dedicate a year to her happiness project. 

In this lively and compelling account—now updated with new material by the author—Rubin chronicles her adventures during the twelve months she spent test-driving the wisdom of the ages, current scientific research, and lessons from popular culture about how to be happier. Among other things, she found that novelty and challenge are powerful sources of happiness; that money can help buy happiness, when spent wisely; that outer order contributes to inner calm; and that the very smallest of changes can make the biggest difference. 

The biggest part about happiness is the necessity of growth and pushing one's self outside our personal comfort zone and accept failure (and embrace the fun of failure!) as a necessary part of living. Building habits, asking for help and scale back on obligations. All of these experiences she discussed came with a head nod... yes, mm, yes. But action is harder.

I am (also/still) listening to a podcast my art history teacher recommended to me. (Pro tip: stay in touch with your favorite professors/ teachers. They will continue to enrich your life with their love, wit and wisdom!) It's called Magic Lessons by Elizabeth Gilbert, and it is all about the creative life and the creative process.

I miss my creative process. I miss the ability to stay up late and write and re-write and laugh and talk and color and write letters to friends and re-write... my creative process has been replaced by a need to re-organize my house and regulate toys and re-arrange our schedule and meal plan and lesson plan and

no wonder.

no wonder I am just so tired when the evening hits that I don't finish post after post after post.

I am a creative soul, and my cup is dry.

But my heart is hopeful.

I bought acrylic paints and canvases a few months ago because I saw them on sale.

I thought, I took Studio I-III and Mixed Media in high school!

I thought, It's been too long.

I thought, I'm scared to open them.

I thought, I'm ready. 

**

In the meantime - here's to more messes.

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When You Have 6lbs of Beef Chuck: Slow Cooker Pot Roast

After my in-laws left us, Will and I realized we had 6.5 pounds of beef chuck... and how do you cook that much meat? Our slow cooker, son.

Most recipes call for less meat... I sort of followed The Pioneer Woman's "Perfect Pot Roast" and Food Network's "Slow Cooker Pot Roast" - and used what was in my kitchen. 

Will and I have never cooked pot roast before, so I was a little apprehensive. Spoiler alert: this is delicious and super simple.

Ingredients:

• 6.5 beef chuck
• 1/2 onion
• 1 lb of carrots 
• 2.5 cups of celery
• 1 cup of beef broth
• 1/2 cup of red wine
• 32 oz of diced tomatoes

Also: olive oil, salt, pepper, 12-inch pan, slow cooker 

I started by caramelizing those onion slices. Oh yes. 

Ree (the Pioneer Woman/ chef extraordinaire) said to generously salt and pepper both sides of the beef before searing both sides. Brown it, baby, brown it.

Oh, and caramelize those carrots too! Just a minute or so before plopping the beef in after adding a little extra olive oil.

Everybody clap your hands! Everything in the pot. As an after thought, I added the diced tomatoes... I added so many because that was the only size can I have... a smaller can works too.

We cooked it on low for 10-12 hours.

Will's on MICU for the next month, so this is a perfect filling meal to send with him to the hospital! We currently have a lot of spaghetti, so we're pairing it with noodles for now. This would go great with mashed potatoes, stuffing, egg noodles...

Bon appetit!

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Snowzilla: The Wrath of Jonas

We didn't know what to expect when we woke up. So, we came prepared.

We checked outside: not bad, not bad... probably should have brought everything inside, but oh well. 

Then the real fun began. 

THE SNOW FLURRIES.

No precious snowflakes, no sir. Real bonafide blustery snow-filled winds. Mama sips her coffee and ignores, "Out? Snow!"

We also did chores, which reminded me to look for a smaller broom set for Grace. Afterwards, we went to Laura's room, cleaned up and out clothes (I am purging!!) and fixed up a little play fort with the toddler mattress currently not in use. The girls love it, and I am pleased too! 

The snow continues - 10" by noon, with an expected 6-10" more today. 

View from our kitchen window

Will worked a 24 hour shift in the PICU and refused to stay another minute; alas, another resident could not get in, so he worked another 2 hours before a 20 minute drive. Fortunately, it seems everyone is staying off the roads, more or less - in their cars. Everyone loves walking in the street already, he reports, and even more so with snow! He is grateful that I made him take our Honda, because his light Toyota would never have made it. There it is in the driveway, where I had him park so the house wouldn't look empty. Mistake, I guess. That's his driver's side mirror and door handle sort of visible.

The roads are cleared hourly... if you can tell.

We watched our neighbor shovel his sidewalk for a bit, the birds outside, played, snacked a few times, and organized.

Laura is walking around the downstairs using the wall and furniture, so I'm ecstatic! Plus, she's the cutest little bear. 

And now the snow is up to the door on the porch. Stay tuned as I decide what to cook for dinner!

Where are you camping out? Any snow adventures? Or sunny skies?

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Climb Every Mountain

Once we finished breakfast, Laura resumed her favorite activity of standing against the window. It's freezing cold outside, and we were not going anywhere near that windchill.

She can climb up on the couch now, using the little step stool, and up on the edge. And when Laura's done, she can slide herself off the couch via belly. I've always thought the couch was a nice height when Grace was learning to creep, but it's absolutely fascinating watching my ten month old become so mobile. 

She's simply fearless, for better and worse. I've always been more cautious, and I love encouraging my daughter in a safe zone of exploration. 

Will is "gone" for the month - Philadelphia for his pediatric ED and ICU rotations. Fortunately, he's off on Wednesday and Thursday so he can come back for Journal Club and Grand Rounds and I am thrilled. Throughout the month, we'll visit him when we can, and he'll come back too. 

I'm using the time to purge the house. This means I am cleaning out nooks and crannies, and whenever Grace finds something she enjoyed as a baby, she must re-enjoy it. 

Remember how small she used to be? Actually fitting in this car seat! (Bought for her first plane ride at almost 3 months old - going home for Thanksgiving and her baptism.) She's growing up so fast.

Suddenly, it was nap time. You know this time: the girls start rubbing their eyes and fighting a bit more and demanding the iPad. Okay! Everyone upstairs! I lift them over the gate for a race - Grace always wins. Laura always makes sure I'm coming too. 

Today was the first day back at school. Honestly, I'm not ready to be back. I had a great first class and really loved it, but there's still a lot to do before the end of the semester in three weeks. Oh well! We press on; keep climbing. I walked out of the room to prepare lunch post-nap and returned to this:

Sigh. NO TABLE. 

//

After dinner, we cleaned up together and went off to play and FaceTime with Dad. Unfortunately, this is much less exciting than trying to tear down the gate (even though it is also tied into place). Laura is just so amazing. I love watching the way her mind works and she tries to understand the world. Fortunately, when I re-direct her (which happens one hundred times a day), she never gets upset but moves seamlessly into the next adventure. 

Surprise, surprise! Our [opened] Christmas presents from Nana and Pappy arrive! Time to climb. 

The transformation from baby to toddler is fun with Grace. Earlier today, she helped me scramble the eggs and then put the lid on leftovers from lunch. As her language and movements are improving greatly, I am starting to look into a special needs homeschool pre-school program put out by Memoria Press. (Disclosure: I work for their online school.) Level A looks perfect for Grace, and I would not have said that when she first turned 2. Amazing what a couple more months of therapy can do!!

As a result, I can see how Grace teaches Laura as well, and that just warms a mama's heart. They are really transforming into the best of sisters and friends, and even though it is a lot more work up front, I am excited we're having the kids so close together. 

After a total meltdown near the end of Dad's call, I ask Grace if she's tired and ready for bed, and she says "yes." So, up the stairs we go! The final ascent of the day. 

I have a hard time capturing still photos these days, but what's the saying? A ship is safe in the port, but that's not why it was built. Here's to another day, another climb, and more adventures with my girls.

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What's Your Normal?

A few nights ago, I sat on the couch, watching Grace and Laura play with the same Melissa and Doug fruit puzzle - which means Grace is saying "No no no no no!" and Laura is grabbing at every piece she can. Will's ER shift goes till 2 a.m., so I was playing zone defense. When the fighting starts (mainly Grace getting territorial), it was time to break out the blocks. I build towers for Laura to knock over, and Grace built her own too.

After I finally got them to bed, I collapsed on the couch to eat second dinner and watch the latest episode of Bones before beginning the Great Cleaning Escapade of Late Night. Which means, no vacuuming till morning, but at least the dishwasher was loaded and unloaded and all the extra food cleaned up or thrown away. I tried to work on my philosophy (I have my last paper due on Saturday), but since I turned in a post two days ago, I let myself have a mental break. (Which is now over!)

Morning happens when I wake up before my alarm clock, check on the girls through the video monitor (still sleeping, high five ladies!), and fall back to sleep until my alarm actually goes off, which corresponds perfectly to Laura popping her head up and deciding the day begins NOW. Grace is sleeping in, which is uncharacteristic, but she's going through a nice growth spurt - two more inches and two more pounds in the past few months.

Breakfast is my favorite meal of the day, so we prefer to have a more luxurious meal - even if time is shorter. We like milk, oatmeal, yogurt, apple slices [Cortland is a new favorite!], and/ or english muffins. Wegmans (our favorite grocery store) has the most delicious seasonal bread - cranberry orange. We're enjoying this treat as toast lately. I've thought about introducing Grace to hot chocolate as it's getting so cold out (she loves sipping on our coffee), but then... all that sugar. We hardly let her drink juice, so I think hot chocolate should be preserved as a special day treat. Any thoughts on that? Or experiences?

The nice part of this week is that I am off school - teaching, that is. We celebrated Thanksgiving on Tuesday because Will was off (otherwise, night shift till the weekend). We will go over to his married attendings's house for a department Thanksgiving once he wakes up too, which will be nice change of scenery and to see more colleagues of his than I usually do.

I'm working at capacity right now, especially at distracting little hands from my laptop. (Okay, climb into my lap and we'll read a book.) Paper due, final exams next week, grading due (for my own students), and we're going to a wedding this weekend, so packing for two small children and all their potential needs ain't no thang. Thank goodness for all the leftover feast right?!

Last week, I got an e-mail inviting me to apply for a job that - a few years ago - I would have taken in a heartbeat. What do we call those jobs? Former dreams? Without sounding too depressing, of course, because I'm creating new dreams. But: managing editor, traveling, speaking, testifying and lots of writing.

Like a tall glass of water on a hot day, I drank that e-mail and then told Will about how delicious the job sounded. He asked if I wanted to apply and I told him honestly: no. I cannot imagine traveling so much with the girls and Will's schedule. Besides, journalism is not my passion any more. The farther away I get from it, I wonder if it ever was... the experience was essential, and I have no regrets pursuing it. But I like having the opportunity to shut the door. I can say, I did it well! And be done.

I'm in the midst of changing my dreams, and changing my reality. It's good, it's hard, and it's about being me vs. becoming me. I'm writing less, and I'm loving more. My normal is class prep, class time, Grace's therapies (she has another speech therapist now! Yay! The wait is over!), taking care of our home, running errands, family time, study time, couple time and me time. It's getting colder out, so I've cut out exercise time... but I have workout DVDs, so the excuses are limited. Besides, this is the time to stay healthy, right?

With Will's job, I hear a lot of stories, and some of them are really tragic. They make me think, Is it worth the stress of extra $$ to finish an article? Sometimes, yes, sure. But we've cut out most extras, so that saves a bundle of money this year to pay for our second student loan kicking in, more baby food, and soon, more diapers.

What?! Another Baldwin baby? Are Will and Julie crazy?! I'll admit, two of Grace's therapists burst out laughing when they heard. Not in a malicious way - more in a, Oh, you two!! I'm the first to admit, it's not everyone's style. Residency, by itself, is a stressful time - and Will starts job searching next spring. I'm still teaching part-time, Grace will still be in therapy, and Laura is still moving faster than you. Life is uncertain - another little person to take care of is no chump change. 

We're really excited. God has such a special plan for this baby, and honestly? We're already rolling in the baby life. I'm the first to admit that we're pretty isolated here - no family, closest friends are in NYC, the occasional play group, and plenty of trips to the hospital to take dinner to Dad and say hi to the department. The support we've already received, and will continue to receive, makes me feel even better about bringing this baby into a scary, uncertain world we live in today. This baby is going to know love, be loved, and share in love. 

As Advent approaches, and we wait for the Christ to enter into our world, we will know the beauty of babies. We will know new beginnings and we will "be not afraid" of what is to come. I am grateful for my friends, far away and online, and my blog readers. I am grateful for my extended family, my immediate family, and in-laws (+siblings) who truly do feel like family. I am grateful for our little family: my hilarious husband, my spunky Grace, my sweet Laura, and my growing bebe. I am grateful that God is with us on this journey of crooked paths. 

I hope you are grateful for your normal (whatever it is!), and I wish you all a very, very happy Thanksgiving! 

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When You're the Adult: You Give More Than You Get

Yesterday, Grace had her one year evaluation with Early Intervention - she is doing well, and was recommended to continue her therapies. We are excited to have one more year with her EI therapists!

Today, I took Laura in for her six month evaluation and vaccines. Unsurprisingly, she is top of her class percentage wise for weight, head circumference and height (in that order!). Grace was extremely well-behaved once she realized that she would not get her head measured, and showed off her AFO and walking to Dr. M.

In the past few weeks, I have been searching for a new babysitter. Our former one got a new job with more hours, and we encouraged her to take it. Unfortunately, the search is (still) on.... I taught class yesterday, and I teach class again next Tuesday. I am trying not to worry about who will watch my children, but, I'm picky and I'm limited in my resources.

Will's salary covers our east-coast COL, roughly, and so the babysitter's salary must come out of my salary; and my salary - as an online history teacher - is not sizable. Then there's the hours we're asking - very part-time, but we pay fairly.

I get why people wait to have kids - it can feel really overwhelming. Expenses are almost the least of it; the time put into caring for them is more than 24/7 - it's a calling to care, a vocation to love. How can I best care for my children, even when I'm working? You the Parent have to take care of them; the little people depend on you! I see it in both the girls: the way Grace watches us and brightens up during play time or meal time; whenever Laura catches our eye.

This experience has highlighted an bygone era of villages raising children. I wish there was more community help set up in our parish, because I am sure there are numerous retired ladies who want to play with babies for a couple hours a day. Or even a parish day center in the area! It seems so vital, especially for young mothers who need more support. If the Church wants to support the vocation of marriage and the call of parenthood, she needs to respond in practicalities as well as prayer.

Each parish has their own calling, I know. To be fair, I'm surprised Will's hospital does not have a day care facility. It's the second largest employer in the region, a top 100 hospital in the country and no child care support?! There is an independent day care center one block away, but they do not have enough space for the demand. I would have to put the girls on a waiting list! (Remind me to get on my soapbox later and write them a letter.) Well! At least I have two students whose schedules could fit us in. Fingers crossed we have good interviews, compatibility and hire within the week.

Last night Will joked that all he does is make money and set up mouse traps (trap: 2, mouse: 0) while I keep the family going, the girls happy and complete my school work (teach and graduate). While residency is not easy, I had to laugh too - it feels that way!

He makes the girls so happy too, and that is the easiest gift to give them - the best gift. No toy is better than time spent with people who love and cherish you.

The paperwork will never end, the to-do list may never be accomplished, and the house never stays clean - adult life means you're always giving, always trying harder. That is good. It is good to exert yourself to help another, and to make life more beautiful for yourself and your family.

It is in giving out of love - not just duty or obligation or begrudgingly - that we experience the kind of euphoria intended to spur us on when it's tough being an adult, making all the decisions, being responsible for chores and taxes and catching the mouse that chewed on your dining room rug...

Pope Francis said at the Meeting with the Volunteers of the XXVIII World Youth Day (July 28, 2013):

"In encouraging you to rediscover the beauty of the human vocation to love, I also urge you to rebel against the widespread tendency to reduce love to something banal, reducing it to its sexual aspect alone, deprived of its essential characteristics of beauty, communion, fidelity and responsibility. 

Dear young friends, “in a culture of relativism and the ephemeral, many preach the importance of ‘enjoying’ the moment. They say that it is not worth making a life-long commitment, making a definitive decision, ‘for ever’, because we do not know what tomorrow will bring. 

I ask you, instead, to be revolutionaries, I ask you to swim against the tide; yes, I am asking you to rebel against this culture that sees everything as temporary and that ultimately believes you are incapable of responsibility, that believes you are incapable of true love. I have confidence in you and I pray for you. Have the courage to ‘swim against the tide’. And also have the courage to be happy.”

This, of course, is the best part of being an adult: happy doing your thing, because wherever you've been: you're here now. Wherever you're going, you're here; rejoice and be glad. Life is hard and imperfect, but we can still enjoy it. Give more than you get, and love every minute you can.

It's really hot here... but we're loving it.

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