#write31days: The Art of Not Asking Questions

My grandmother is sick. She was sick for years before I found out; years before she told anyone.

When I first heard this, I went through different stages of grief. She is, after all, the only grandmother I've ever known. My paternal grandmother died before I was born.

My maternal grandmother is classy and reserved; easy to laugh and has a quick wit. She likes playing cards and once asked me if the margaritas I was helping make on a family vacation were "for the kids" - I did not add enough alcohol, apparently.

I never really understood, until recently, why she did not tell anyone. Even now, when I call her and ask how she is doing, she always answers, "Just fine, thanks!"

My dear grandmother, I understand now.

I understand that you're not fine - but I'm not the person you want to say that to.

I understand that you're not in the mood to be constantly discussing the state of your health.

I understand. I love you.

**

A hard part about having a child with special needs is that too many questions revolve around her therapy and her progress.

It is, honestly, draining.

To the outside person, it is a simple question. What is she doing? How is she improving? 

Every day, it's different. Every day, I try to balance typical expectations for a three year old while recognizing that she faces different challenges. She cannot use her right hand. I have to help her get dressed on her right side; I have to remind her to use her hand and arm too; we practice opening and closing her hand. We practice her standing on her feet evenly.

She has many therapists whom I am in constant communication with; she sees 5 therapists/week + 2 consults per month. I keep up with various doctor appointments. I have to be consistent about her - stretching and massage, putting on her braces, pushing her to try, try again.

It can break a mother's heart. You just want to see your baby not struggle. But she does, and that is okay too. She is a vibrant, loving, talented three year old. When I am having a hard day, I'll tell her. She says, "I hug you mommy. I kiss you."

**

In this family, we struggle. We forgive. We try, we laugh, and we dance.

I know there is a natural curiosity about cerebral palsy, different therapies, and even how postpartum depression manifests itself... but we humans are all processing. I am still processing my daughter's diagnosis. I am still processing my own diagnosis. Some days I think I am overreacting; other days, I want my bed to swallow me.

I'm not writing this to shut people out - this is a free country. People may ask questions. I am saying that people do not have a right to information. There is no Freedom of Information Act for your life; to the contrary, plead HIPPA, or the 5th Amendment. Too often, we don't want to offend people by saying, "No thanks. Not in the mood to discuss this with you." I am guilty of this. I'd prefer people lead with, "When you're in the mood to discuss, I'd like to hear about ___."

But Julie! You are writing this on your blog, a public forum! Isn't that an invitation for further discussion?

Yes, I am. That is my prerogative. The same way I talk about my postpartum depression. I even found myself mentioning it to people at a party last week, because I am a fun person.

In the same vein, Grace is my daughter. I'm happy to discuss her favorite colors, her favorite dress-up options, the funny things she says, et cetera. I want people to know Grace for who she is, and not her diagnosis. She's not an inspiration. She's a warrior princess, just like her sister Laura.

**

So, people of the world: let me bring it up.

Or begin by saying, "I'd love to hear at some point"... yes, I will register your request. And thank you for giving me the option to say "no" and "not now"! It shows thoughtfulness, as it's personal for me. I have more hard days now, or maybe they just feel harder. More often than not, questions feel harder too.

I cannot apologize for struggling. I am not a robot. I am a human, living this glorious experience.

via GIPHY

As I've mentioned before, the best question to ask is the non-question. The best messages I receive are the ones of neutral support. I love talking to family and showing them the kids via FaceTime. I like catching up with friends (usually by text, if we're honest) and hearing about daily life. I like hearing about hobbies, adventures, trips and ideas. I don't like dwelling on things I can't change.

**

We live in uncertain times, though the days are patterned. I find myself pausing more and meditating on love. There are four types of love. There are five types of love languages. My husband is not verbose like me; I wrote him hundreds of letters, and talk to him about everything. He shows me love - he shows me that I am whole, when I feel broken. He shows me potential when I feel distress. Will is the calm in my storm. He and I have accepted that we will never know why Grace had a stroke, and we both agree that nothing changes the way we will always do our best for her, as we will do for all our darling children.

I find comfort in love, messy as it is; I've been re-reading lines from Mary Oliver's poem "Rhapsody":

"If you are in the garden, I will dress myself in leaves.
If you are in the sea I will slide into that
smooth blue nest, I will talk fish, I will adore salt.
But if you are sad, I will not dress myself in desolation.
I will present myself with all the laughters I can muster.
And if you are angry I will come, calm and steady,
with some small and easy story.

Promises, promises, promises! The tongue jabbers, the heart
strives, falls, strives again. The world is perfect.
Love, however, is an opera, a history, a long walk,
that includes falling and rising, falling and rising, while
the heart stays as sweet as a peach, as radiant and
grateful as the deep-leaved hills."

Let us ask about what concerns each of us - our life in the spirit, our joys, our doings, and our thoughts. We are more than our sorrow.

**

My "rules" for this series are short (especially before commenting): this topic is personal and I am currently living in it. This is not an abstract for a dissertation. I do not have 20/20 hindsight yet. I don't need any medical advice, as I keep in close communication with my own PA + Dr., as well as being married to one. My husband and I practice many different types of coping mechanisms as well, which I will write about too. My situation is 100 percent unique and I am writing only about myself. These posts are directed at no one, and still, I am opening myself up to share my experiences. If I can help one person, it will be worth it. Please respect this adult conversation at face value.

**

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A Day in the Baldwin House

Chandler graciously invited me to share my day; here's to the challenge! 

My name is Julie Baldwin. I am a part-time online United States history teacher who is still on summer break/ maternity leave for a few more weeks. My husband is an emergency medicine resident, which adds variety to our schedule. We have three children under 3 years old, going on four years of marriage, and living far away from our respective home bases. For better and for could-do-better, no day is the same...

Friday - Casa Baldwin - PA, USA

At some point in the morning, I wake up to feed Stephen (3 months). It is still dark out. I peer into his face and his eyes are open. He's hungry! I grab my phone and text my husband Will, who is working overnight in the surgical ICU. He's typing up notes before rounds. Stephen falls back asleep and I plop him into the rock 'n sleep one more time...

The light wakes me soon enough... I fight the urge to ignore reality. I am content to stare at this little pudding pie drowsily.

7-8 a.m.: Get Grace (3) and Laura (1.5) up from their cribs; they are wide awake and done relaxing once I enter their room. I'm lucky they've learned how to stay put/ not scream before 7 a.m. I change diapers, feed Stephen again while the girls run around and play upstairs, test my fertility + chart, take my PPD medicine and move the party downstairs for breakfast.

8-10 a.m.: Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday are therapy days for my daughter Grace, but this morning, we are relaxing and waiting for Will to come home from the hospital. Breakfast varies based on time and willingness to exert effort. The girls are enjoying half a breakfast burrito each, a banana, milk and raisins. We read the morning prayers and Scripture from my August issue of the Magnificat.

After breakfast, we play inside in the front room and outside on the porch. Grace is very into coloring; I also stretch her limbs out. Laura likes reading, sliding, and building with + dumping her blocks. We hear the “choo choo train!!!!!”. I am listening to The Fellowship of the Ring while working in the other rooms.

I'll clean up the kitchen, eat my oatmeal and focus on drinking my coffee. Few things more important than my coffee intake at this point [in my mind].

Will comes home early before we leave for our appointment, and is immediately greeted by his girls with hugs around the legs. I go high for a kiss and a hug, after which he says he got no sleep and is headed straight to bed. This month is really tough on all of us. I go back to cleaning my desk off and preparing for us to leave the house.

Breakfast: maple cinnamon steel oats in the crockpot, coffee, milk, bananas, breakfast burritos,

10-11:30 a.m.: Today, we actually went to the chiropractor for the first time! I was nervous... but no need. The only thing I had to fear was the insane amount of paperwork needed (times two). Grace has cerebral palsy, which mainly affects the right side of her body. She has been complaining of knee pain, and I am hoping this will help.

The doctor immediately identifies problem areas and was really fantastic with her. I am duly impressed. I was even more impressed at how calm we both remained while 2/3 of my children cried as my appointment started. Grace subsided when the doctor asked her to hold my hand; he meant it for her, but it really did help me as well. Mothering + desk job means more chiro appointments in our future. I thought he was killing me with the number of cracks I heard in my neck, but a lot of tension is gone and there is less tingling in my arms.

I would almost say that this random appointment is normal for us too, since we are always dancing between different specialists - pediatrician, neurology, eye, OB/GYN and coming soon--ortho! This visit was delightful.

11:30-12:30 p.m.: Grace falls asleep in the car, so I put her down for an early nap. Laura stays up with me and we eat lunch. I feed Stephen again; put Laura down for a nap.

Lunch: chicken breast over spinach salad with tomatoes, feta and balsamic vinegar; Laura has mozzarella cheese stick, grapes, goldfish

I love this one-on-one time with my third wee tot! I have had so many interesting conversations with fellow moms about breastfeeding and my advice is always... Do you. For me, that usually involves a weird angle and not covering up in the cape style. I have a muslin blanket that is perfect for extra coverage and any sprayage (or spit up), but I won't totally cover up any more, as I felt compelled to do with Grace. Why? Because breastfeeding is normal. There is nothing gross about it; it's actually miraculous, when you look into it scientifically. It is not lewd (baby covers the nipple, people. That's the feeding part). If it makes you uncomfortable, look away. If you'd rather use a bottle or need to supplement, go for it. But there is no room for prudish behavior towards a mother feeding her baby because it is an absolute act of love. It is hard, it is a commitment and it is beautiful. Stephen is my third breastfed baby. I wanted to quit within the first month because it was so hard with him. But I stuck with it, and it's one of my favorite times of the day now - relaxing into the couch, feeding him and helping him achieve Hulk status.

12:30-3:30 p.m.: This is magical. Laura skipped her morning nap and since Grace fell asleep WAY before her normal nap time (between 2:30-3 p.m.), so I have the house to myself. I try to do my favorite postpartum work-out video; it's the effort, right? I decide to fold the three piles of laundry I washed yesterday while watching Elementary. After an episode, I work on school prep. (I start teaching online again in less than a month!) Then, I get super tired and I take a rest/ nap till someone wakes up.

3:30-4:30 p.m.: By someone, I mean Laura. This child! We play and I continue to clean up a bit. I wanted to fix zucchini bread, but it's still really hot and I cannot imagine turning the oven on right now. Stephen wants to be fed again... Not sure how many times a day I feed him, honestly, but it is way more than I am writing down.

Mini nap time for us post-feeding.

4:30-5:00 p.m.: Grace is awake and ready to play again; we practice walking down the steps while I hold her right hand. This is a big deal because a) she used to never let anyone hold her right hand, let alone trust anyone who did not also hold her left hand and b) she boycotted walking down the steps earlier this year and we are FINALLY returning to Grace being okay going down (and not just up). We think part of that is because of her eye surgery in July- we're hoping her depth perception improved.

5:00-6:00 p.m.: I start to plan dinner. It's Friday, and I try to serve meatless meals.  The kids color outside on the patio, which is closest to the kitchen.

Dinner: salmon (cooked in a foil packet), brown rice + quinoa, red peppers

6:00-7:00 p.m.: We eat out on the porch tonight. We've been having a lot of picnics lately, and it's just easier to clean up. Will wakes up at some point and comes downstairs. The girls are excited! They climb all over him and forget about dinner.

7:00-8:00 p.m.: More playtime, but we've moved the girls upstairs for a bath. They love it, and they love splashing Will. Jammies, teeth brushed, books read and prayers said.

8:00 p.m.: BEDTIME BABIES. NIGHT NIGHT.

8:00-9:30 p.m.: Oh yeah. Stephen is still awake. Will and I discuss possibilities for the evening. We clean together, and then he goes upstairs to his computer. Stephen helps me fix a quiche.

Quiche: pie crust, cooked sausage, eggs, heavy cream, milk, shredded cheddar cheese - cook at 400 Fahrenheit for 40 minutes

We do more cleaning. (No, really, when does it stop??) I feed Stephen again and relax into the couch.

9:30-11 p.m.: I take my vitamins and melatonin. Will comes down and we watch two episodes of The Wire, season two - really excellent. Gritty; superb in every respect - acting, story lines, writing, production. For those who have not heard of it, it's considered one of, if not the best television drama ever. (Available through Amazon Prime video!)

11 p.m.-12 a.m.: I try to get to bed before midnight every night. It's my work in progress, as a night owl. I am always trying for 11 p.m. but 11:30 is my current record. Will changes Stephen's diaper, and I feed him again, if necessary. I get ready for bed, we talk about what Will should study (pulmonary something was the verdict) and other related topics, and we say night prayers. Will goes up to his office for the night, so his body will stay adjusted for his next night shift. I settle in for the night/ until Stephen wakes again for another eat. Sweet dreams!

. . .

Read more:

A Day in the Armstrong House
A Day in the Fink House
A Day in the Howard House
A Day in the Smith House 

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Maternity Leave Musings (Or, Sorry for Not Writing More): 7 Weeks Young

Bonjour! Hola! Hello, friend. Thank you for reading. How are we (almost) through the month of June and I haven't published again? I suppose summer is my maternity leave and summer vacation. A vacation where I attend circus camp, or, learning to juggle of three kids under three years old and handle toddlers who want the blue cup, not the yellow, or whatever her sister has (currently).

Hi yourself! What have you been doing?!

Stephen was born, I turned in my students' grades, and I was balancing three different medication schedules. Lyme, thrush and postpartum anxiety. PSA: check yourself and your family for ticks, if you spend time outside.

How are you feeling?

If you would have told 18 year old me that I'd be tired by 9:45 p.m. when I was 28, I probably would have laughed. I've always been a night owl... which means now is I can be up at 4 a.m. to walk Stephen around until he falls asleep; collapse into bed; wake up with my two chicks clucking from their bedroom.

Motherhood makes me stronger. It's endurance training. It's creativity and adventure. It's the tea bag in hot water metaphor that Eleanor Roosevelt said. I'm re-learning my limits and re-organzing our schedule/ house. I'm reading books for fun! (Need more David Foster Wallace! Currently reading about Catherine the Great and listening to Tolkien on cd.) I'm getting outside and enjoying our summer schedule; starting postpartum exercise. Grace was just approved for eye surgery by our insurance (hooray! more on that later!), so that's one more thing going our way.

Which is to say, I'm feeling fine. How are you?

Okay, elephant in the room: Seriously - how do you handle three kids by yourself?!

I don't live on an island alone. I have a husband who pitches in with everything and helps keep me focused and organized. I have a cleaning company come once a month since our rental is so old and our children are so young. Friends to text. And family! My MIL came for three weeks, then my mother for two weeks, and after I was alone during a number of night shifts (shakes fist at scheduling gods), my MIL arrived for another couple days stay to pick up our former Honda CRV. It's been a revolving door, honestly.

Sure, many days, I am alone. I've taken the kids out of the house multiple times - the grocery store, therapy, and even wrangled them to two doctors' appointments last Monday. I pack my bag full of snacks/bribes, diapers+wipes, and give myself enough time to get from point A to point B.

You're not convincing me, lady. 

It's a day by day thing.

I take a deep breath, nap when I can (or mentally rest with a t.v. show while I take care of Stephen if the girls are napping) and practice the value of "me" - enough sleep, water, nourishing food, exercise (even just a little), prayer and my medication. Last night, we took a walk to the emergency department for a change of scenery and to give Will dinner; it was a win-win for both of us.

My parents came to visit us after the Youth National Rowing Championship my brother and sister were in a few weekends ago, and my dad reminded me that they got a nanny after three kids. That sounds like a dreamboat, even though I do not work full-time like my mom did (does).

 It does give a person perspective, though. I'm officially in zone-to-zone defense.

Stop the presses. I read "medication" earlier. Are you on medication because you're crazy enough to have three kids in three years?

I developed anxiety while pregnant with Stephen; there were a lot of factors, but by the time the birth came, I was feeling amazing. When Will and I were walking home from the hospital with Stephen, I remember telling him that this was the best I've ever felt after a birth, and how excited I was to jump into this new adventure. About a week later, I felt the baby blues; a week after that, I felt them getting worse. I called my PA and immediately took action (but not before crying to the Phone Nurse). I'm trying to be honest about this because these meds are going to be with me for the summer, at least - and to remove some of the stigma of going on medication. Sometimes, you need it.

And yes: having three kids under three is the craziest and most amazing experience yet. You'll have to trust me there. I don't recommend it to (or for) everyone. But I'm thriving.

What makes it so amazing?

One thing my PA told me is that a lot of women get postpartum depression/ anxiety because their partner is not supportive of them. This is not my issue, and she stressed to me how lucky I am. I can 110 percent say that I could not do this without Will, even though his hours are not super-changing and residency is still residency. Have you ever been part of a team where your side is always for you? Even when you're crying because you ordered the birth announcements and made a minor error that no one else notices unless you point it out to them?

Will and I are both very independent people, and one of the best parts of having more kids is how we've become more interdependent on each other and really embraced the family lifestyle. This is not easy with our schedule; whether it's falling asleep on the girls' floor after a shift so he can be there for the bedtime routine, or staying up late to clean the kitchen and get ready for the next day.

One of my favorite sayings its from Tolkien's The Fellowship of the Ring: "All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us." Will and I choose each other every day. It sounds romantic, and it is; it can also be hard and self-denying. Still, we see beauty in what we know and how we choose to love ourselves, each other and our family. This is amazing. The actions we do each day builds our family, our adventures, our life. Boring is a perspective.

So! Things we're doing:

• Cleaning up/out every single room in the house. We've completed 4 so far; working on the dining room (dining room/ my downstairs office/ the girls' art table) right now
• Writing/ sending birth announcements and thank you cards 
• Playing outside and taking walks to the park
• Adjusting nap schedules 
• Eating popsicles
• Napping and getting to bed earlier 
• Books on cd; tv shows from the library; podcasts during the day and night
• Starting potty training (and watching Potty Time)
• Adding more items to my Subscribe & Save (guilty pleasure/ part of our kids budgeting)
• Making a zillion lists
• G's therapies 
• Trips to the library and grocery store
• Exploring new places
• Work stuff (third year and last year of residency starts tomorrow!)
• Posting on Instagram 

Hopefully, I'll publish more too (I write all the time, but I'm trying to keep it 50-50 with my reading). But in the meantime, here's to new adventures. May you have one every day.

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Going to the Library: 5 Reasons to Get Out During Maternity Leave

High-five to Kelly at This Ain't the Lyceum for hosting!

{five}

The biggest reason to get out of the house after you've had a baby 8 days earlier is because your older children are getting stir-crazy, and maybe you are too.

{four}

Also, it's the first full day of your husband being off. This will, in fact, be the beginning of the longest break/vacation he's EVER had during residency, which alone is cause of celebration.

#dadcation time, y'all.

{three}

There was sunshine today in PA, and that was also celebration-worthy considering the dreary days May has thus proffered. I am supremely looking forward to many more of these jacket-less days ahead.

And: toddler backpacks. Adorable.

The girls made me proud by repeatedly not acknowledging strangers who attempted to say hello; they would, however, say "bye bye" and wave occasionally. We had an extremely leisurely stroll to the library, considering how short toddler legs are, so I certainly was not over-exerting myself by any means.

{two}

If you get out of the house, things happen like:

• A $50 fine becomes a $20 fine simply because your library card expired
• You pick up their entire collection of potty books because GHB decided she likes sitting on hers
• You find a couple cookbooks (and promise yourself a good fiction or non-fiction book once grading is completed)
• The new children's section is done and you love it! Your husband offers to watch the girls while you peruse books and you take him up on that offer. This means all hands on deck (because little people like taking all the books off the shelves in no particular order),

while you wear Stephen in the ring sling. Meanwhile, in the checkout line, a little girl asks you what is inside said sling; you're a little sad you can't say, "A puppy!" simply for the element of surprise.

{one}

A big reason to get out is simply a change of scenery. We like to avoid crowds and have a place for the girls to run around, and they love being outside. It only took us 45 minutes to get out of the house, and a brisk 7 minute car ride, and ta-da! Historic downtown with its two hour parking.

Upon arriving home, the children and I all napped. Glorious.

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Happy Due Date, Bebe Baldwin!

Today is Bebe Baldwin's due date and... he is six days old!

He was born on Thursday, May 12 at 2:50 p.m. He was 7 lbs, 6 oz. of cuteness and we are all super smitten with him. Stay tuned for his birth story, because it is exciting!

We love you, Stephen John Baldwin!

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What does a Third Babe Need? The Simple-ish Plan

I love interior design. It should be considered a hobby, considering how much time I spend perusing websites, daydreaming and planning for a day when we'll buy matching furniture... then again, matching is boring. Complementary furniture! I like!

We've been extremely lucky to be given so much when Grace was in utero, so she came into this world with a Pottery Barn crib, a lovely dresser that my SIL Ellen painted pretty, a baby swing, a rock 'n play, Aden and Anais blankets (the best, period), and lots of pretty clothes (once we knew she was a girl!). When Laura was in utero, we needed even less quantity and more bulk - she shares clothes, and got a pack 'n play, new carrier (a ring sling to join the beloved ergo), and two double strollers (one jogger, one umbrella).

Now, Bebe Baldwin - my third bambino and my first boy. What does he need?

Need: (v.) require (something) because it is essential or very important.

Clothing, of course, is a need - but how many onesies does one really need? I bought the most adorable newborn onesies for Grace, and of course, she was a girl, so my MIL and Mom began buying her pink clothing ASAP. There is probably something to be said for gender neutral clothing and sharing it... We do have enough gender neutral clothes to get him through the first few months, so I am not even going to put clothes on my list. Plus, as soon as you have given birth, people begin sending you adorable things they find. TRUST ME ON THIS.

{one}

sleep needs

Sharing is caring

• crib
• sound machine
• muslin sleep sack

We are using our extra pack 'n play that Laura currently naps in (in the guest room), so we don't need to buy one to set up in our bedroom, and I already have an extra sound machine that I bought in panic after (temporarily) losing one. Check, check! Since Bebe will be a summer baby, he'll need a light, muslin sleep sack to keep him warm enough. We have one, and I bought him this one too.

I'm ready for my close-up... I mean, diaper change.

{two}

resting and self soothing 

• blanket(s)
• downstairs pack 'n play
• wubbanub

Grace and Laura both have a Baby Starter satin and minky blanket, which they lovelovelove. Unfortunately, they come in three colors: blue, pink and white. I am not buying Bebe (or any baby) a white blanket. Is that some sort of joke?!

I found MEG Originals on Amazon, and ordered this one. It came, beautifully wrapped in tissue paper, and is so soft and lovely. I hope Bebe just loves his new blanket! Our super durable Aden + Anais swaddle blankets are still in use (the girls wrap their baby dolls up!) buuuut maybe I need just one more new muslin swaddle blanket too? (FINE, DEFINE "NEED" AGAIN.) We have two extra wubbanubs since Laura is not taken with hers still.

{three}

storage

Things you think are safe and put away... are never. 

• Clothes storage/ organization
• cute baskets for diaper/ wipes

This is my most vague component because it requires a lot of creativity based on the situation. Remember that this is the THIRD child, but also remember that this family is moving next summer post-graduation and his parents are not super into adding more furniture to our current collection... so I found this, and we love it. Just set it up, still deciding how to organize... baskets, baskets everywhere! They're handy, I swear. I like canvas ones for storage; wicker or seagrass for everything else.

{four}

in and out needs (boring basics)

{We use...}

• Nursing pads - Lansinoh
• Diapers - Pampers 
• Wipes - Pampers
• Stain Remover* - Seventh Generation spray; Biz detergent 
• Vitamin D drops - Enfamil 
• Diaper cream - Desitin 
• Lotion - Aveeno
• Hand sanitizer - Babyganics 
• convertible car seat - Britax
• minivan** - Honda Odyssey

*because newborn baby blow-outs are very, very real

**We actually tried to buy a minivan today, which was an epic failure due to rain, traffic and GHB mysterious throwing up for the first time [during a car trip] ... so FINGERS CROSSED that we can get the papers signed tomorrow. Minivan shopping is one part research (thanks Kelley Blue Book, Car Fax and my MIL), one part budget and one part ninja. We've missed out on multiple van possibilities simply by people buying the car as we found them - but this one is secure for now. Egads! Do not recommend van shopping when you're due to have a baby sooner than later... c'est la vie.

{five}

more help!

My mom snuggling with her granddaughters! 

• Amazon Prime
• Meals
• Babysitting
• Gift cards
• Cleaning Service
• Family visits

What else? Amazon Prime means I can order almost anything from home and never leave... I've heard about grocery delivery as well, which intrigues me. Having babies so far from family and friends is definitely a sad spot for me - it was so different being part of the process whenever my mom had a baby. I try not to be jealous of not having a similar kind of supportive community here in town, but I am very human in this respect. That being said - we are so lucky to have both of our families travel extensively in these last few months (and the months to come!) to spend time with us and help out!

Yay! Aunto Kato came in town after her NYC trip!

Come back soon!

Maybe I can get baby announcements/ thank you cards out on time this third round...? (Hashtag hahahahahaha)

Bebe Baldwin, mama is waiting! I am so excited to snuggle you all summer long. Two more weeks of school - or less! If you come earlier! Wink-wink. 

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30 Days Later: How to Survive a (Hard) Residency Rotation

Saturday was the last day of MICU and, of course, it was the weekend, so Will was the only resident covering multiple floors. He has nurses and an attending too, so it's not like he's all alone - it's just a lot of work for a moderate-high census. Bonus: no admissions!

MICU (medical intensive care unit) is a hard rotation; the hours are long, patient loads are heavy and require a lot of decisions to be made, and oftentimes, people die. So, you can't be mad that he's working late because he's talking to a grieving family. Their whole world is upside down.

For the family waiting at home, the hours feel longer (time moves faster at the hospital when you're so busy!), the routine misses a crucial element and we generally are just trying [to eat well, get the toddler to whine less, get work done, watch less Daniel Tiger, whatever].

Here's how we cope/ survive/ love each other:

{one}

Long Live Routine

OB appointments are typically on Mondays. Therapy is Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. Class is Monday through Thursday. Grading and class prep on Friday. Grocery shopping is on the weekend. Laundry is weekend. Mass on Sunday. Because when you have things to do, time passes because it must. It's certainly not living life to the fullest, but we're in survival mode during these long work months since I solo-parent for most of the day/week.

The second part of routine is never letting "us" be taken for granted. It's saying goodbye at 5:30 a.m. and Will fixing enough coffee for both of us every morning so I don't have to do it. It's texting him updates on our day and pictures, so he feels included and keeps up with the girls. I don't expect responses too often - in the morning, he's rounding, and then the day rushes by; but he reaches out when he can to check in with me. It's a big hug and kiss when he comes home, and giving him a little space; it's the girls climbing all over him, even while he falls asleep on the floor during their bedtime routine. For half the month, he was home for bedtime, which was a definite silver lining.

{two}

Let It Go

For me, it means laundry once a week, max. And maybe not even put it away until Will helps me. I'm growing a baby, wrangling two little ladies, and keeping our family functioning. Laundry is not a priority.

Still a clean freak who can't concentrate well when the house is a wreck? Turn cleaning into a game. I feel like this is a the real secret of life.

{three}

Visit the hospital

The best part of this is how excited they were to see him, and how much they did not want to stay still for a picture!

This is one of our most favorite things to do- dropping off a coffee or coke or phone charger... we're lucky to live so close to Will's work, so hopping over briefly isn't a huge issue. It's a big production considering we see him for maybe four minutes max, but some days, it feels worth it. We mostly did this while he was on overnights/ 24+ hour shifts. Some days, it just felt like a game changer. We were all together for a few minutes and that mattered.

{four}

Extra Help

If your budget lets you hire a cleaning service, do it. If your budget means you hire extra babysitters, do it. If family members can swing it, invite them to come help for a week. If friends want to help, let them. Let your tribe help you. Let strangers help you. We're all human!

Special shout-out to my MIL for the week she spent with us, and all her help, which included grocery shopping, toddler wrangling, crisis control with our water heater's sudden clanking, and the fact that she's continuing to minivan shop for us since we can't find anything in our area.

Another reason I need extra help is to help manage my anxiety. I've never had this kind of stress before, and pregnancy has certainly acerbated it. I cry over things I could normally handle, and I'm very sensitive to ... anything. I'm just trying right now. My best support are all far away, so I am grateful for modern technology. It's hard being away from family and friends during times like this.

(It goes without saying, of course, that Will is my total rock. So having him on NICU for the past two days actually feels like a vacation - as a comparison between MICU! I'd also like to add that Grace's six therapists are truly amazing and took time this past month to ask me how I'm doing, check in on us, and even offered to pick up groceries, etc. if need be - we are so lucky to have these women love Grace and us!)

{five}

Have fun!!

Seriously: just do what needs to get done (feed children, pay bills, nap, therapy, class, get outside...) and keep a sense of humor. Some nights, we watched TV for two hours. Some days, we played outside. Always, we rolled with the punches. I learned to cope with a lot of whining ("use your words!") and clingy children who have recently decided that of all their stuffed animals, they BOTH love Cat Cat best. Flexibility is the key to surviving this residency anyways, I think.

It's all pretty overwhelming. Every day was the day I tackled. I didn't make plans. I kept to the schedule and I moved on. And when it was all over, we danced.

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36 weeks! Playtime and Poll Time

Happy week! I'm 36 weeks! Bada-bing, bada-bam.

36 weeks, 2 days

I can honestly hardly believe it... this bebe's trimesters are flying by; and I would like to thank him sincerely for not giving me the worst nausea (cough, ladies). I cannot comment of various aches, pains and spasms... but no nausea! Huzzah! I am officially into the weekly doctor visits. Oh my gosh. 

I am entering into a severe nesting phase, which has included finding un-mailed thank you notes, birth announcements, Christmas cards, birthday cards, etc. So, if you receive any later-than-usual cards from me, this is why. 

This is also why I decided to get us a new toy storage unit in hopes to simplify and teach the girls more about organization/ nightly clean up.

So, already successful.

It's been another long month of MICU, and we're finally into the last week. I cannot WAIT for this rotation to be over. The hours are long, the patient cases are tough, and Will has had two days off total. (No, I do not count the time in-between the overnights. It's not a "day off"!) And even though I've started many blog posts this month, most of them end up being rants, so I delete and consider them stress-reducing therapy.

So back to the happy times:

36 weeks, 6 days.

I am have a lot of pains and twinges; no actual progress, according to my PA. Buuuut some people say boys come early? I think I am just wishful thinking at this point. Let's take a poll anyways: when is Bebe Baldwin going to come?!?

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Triduum 2016

On Holy Saturday, my SIL, Will and I took the girls to our local park while the in-laws took well-deserved naps. It was sunny and beautiful, and extra special since Aunt E has not seen Laura walk around the park yet.

Grace's favorite part? Swings with Dad.

On Easter morning, Grace went right for her basket and made her mama proud by going straight for the Peeps.

After breakfast, I handed Laura her basket. New jammies!

Hooray! Easter grass! Everywhere!

After mass - Will worked later in the day, so no bleary-eyed smiles after a night shift this year! 

Another one with my sweet in-laws!

The rest of the day was very low-key. Will went to work. Grace was not feeling well, and the Easter egg hunt lasted... 5-10 minutes. Grace found a few and was satisfied; Laura found a few, and then a few more in Grace's basket. 

I was in total denial about going back to work the next day and ate a box of peeps.

Happy Easter, indeed. Here's to new life!

From Catholic Online:

"In his Epistle to the Colossians, St. Paul says 'If then you were raised with Christ, seek what is above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Think of what is above, not of what is on earth'". However, Benedict XVI emphasized, the apostle "is far from inviting Christians, any of us, to shun the world in which God has placed us. It is true that we are citizens of another 'city', our true home, but the path toward this goal must be traversed every day in this land. To participate, from this moment, in the life of the resurrected Christ, we must live as new men and women in this world, at the heart of this earthly city." 

"This is the path to transform not only ourselves but also to transform the world, to give the city a new face that favors the development of humankind and society within the logic of solidarity, goodness, and profound respect for the dignity proper to each ... Easter offers the newness of a profound and complete passage from a life subject to the slavery of sin to a life of freedom, inspired by love, the force that breaks down barriers and builds new harmony in our hearts and in our relationships with others and with things." 

Every Christian, just as every community, "that lives the experience of this passage to the Resurrection, cannot help but be new leaven in the world giving themselves without reserve to the most urgent and just causes, as seen by the witness of the saints in every age and place. The expectations of our time are also great: believing firmly that the resurrection of Christ has renewed humankind without separating it from the world in which it builds its history, we Christians must be the radiant witnesses of Easter's new path". 

"Easter is, therefore, a gift that must be welcomed in faith more deeply each time, to work in any situation with the grace of Christ, according to the logic of God, the logic of love". --Pope Benedict XVI, Easter 2011

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