What the Opposite of Insomnia? Zombie Land.

When I was pregnant with Grace, I had insomnia, even while taking sleep medications. It was positively horrible. I was so tired that I couldn't do anything but think about how tired I was. I would try to pray the rosary, but forget where I was (usually counted on my fingers) or how to say the prayers. I would get up to work, bur be too tired to read or write. It was a fate worse than death - tired and unproductive by day and night.

So, pretty much preparing me for a normal life post-Grace.

Monday: Grace was awake between 2-4 a.m. As I fed her and burped her and changed her diaper (twice) and paced around the six steps between our bedroom door and the outside wall), I wondered, Why you were still awake?

Wednesday: Grace cried for 3-4 hours for seemingly no reason. Fortunately, before bed. 

No! Not my gum drop buttons!

Friday: We're having another crying day. She cried with her Dad. She cried with her Mom. She cried in the 10 minute drive to pick up Will from class, only to promptly fall asleep for the next two hours. After dinner, Miss Fussykins and I walked to Wal-Mart to look for a new day planner (no success, but Christmas decorations are out!), and she fell asleep. She's awake again, so this post will be short.

Her, earlier. I'm savoring that moment.

The opening to this morning's Psalm was Isaiah 28:8 - The Lord God will wipe away/ the tears from all faces. I laughed when I read that - thank you Lord! I need a good wiping too!

Grace is officially 15 days old today. She's expanded our hearts in so many ways, and stretched me further than I thought I could handle. When I was asked today "what I do all day", I said that my day starts around 3 a.m., when I feed Grace and change her diaper. Back to sleep. Then 6 a.m., when I feed Grace and change her diaper. Maybe sleep? (Will gets up around then; I'm toying with daily mass in the morning vs. before lunch.) Same for 9 a.m., etc. and all the way till the evening, when she goes to sleep for a few hours before her 3 a.m. wake-up call.

My mom left this morning, so this week will be our first alone - just Will, Grace and me. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law will be down in a week or so, but I already miss my mom (and not just because she fixed me an omlette every morning, made sure I ate plenty of vegetables, and believes strongly in dessert). She reminded me to nap and to suppress my "busy bee gene". She helped me not feel overwhelmed when Grace refused to be soothed. She carried Grace, changed her diapers, gave her baths, showered Grace with love, and introduced her to the "No Such Thing As Too Many Pictures" family motto.

Okay, you caught me. Binky to the rescue!

I'm so tired now. I can fall asleep and stay asleep. Tonight, on our quest for a new day planner, I could have sat down and snoozed for a few minutes. I walked around in a daze, jealous of Grace sleeping while being cuddled in the baby snuggly.

And it is such a good tired. The kind of tired after a good work-out; the kind of tired when you know you're doing a job well done. I'm tired, and I've never felt so fulfilled day after day. It really is amazing. I'm not totally organized - I did two loads of laundry and folded one - I did not make it to the grocery store - I'm still writing out thank you cards - I'm hopelessly behind on my real writing projects - I am content.

This evening's verse before the Canticle of Mary prayer is Acts 3:6 - Peter said, 'I have neither silver nor gold, but what I do have I give you: in the name of Jesus Christ the Nazarene, [rise and] walk.'

The beauty of living out one's purpose, one's vocation, is that one's soul is happy. The work load may be heavy or tedious or crabby, but the reasons for your work is in its fruits. I still can't believe how blessed I am to be married to Will and doubly blessed with our daughter. God is so good, and works through all the cracks of our flaws and failures to lead us on the path of salvation.

I fully admit that I'm a bit terrified of being a stay-at-home mom. I'll still be writing and editing, but even that has taken a backseat through my rough pregnancy and now recovering postpartum time. My mom worked outside the home while I was growing up (her vocation is in medicine as well as being a mom!), so my main influence has been a work-home balance. Fortunately, most of my mom's side as well as my mother-in-law stayed home with her kids, so I'll have many sounding boards.

Friends, how do you walk in this life? Is there a hop in your step or do you drag your heels? Do you consider your job part of your vocation or more of a career which will you will gladly relinquish one day?

Annnnnnnnd she's asleep (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). And so I adieu, adieu, to you, and you, and you! This zombie needs to re-charge her batteries.