Saturday, October 12, 2013

What the Opposite of Insomnia? Zombie Land.

When I was pregnant with Grace, I had insomnia, even while taking sleep medications. It was positively horrible. I was so tired that I couldn't do anything but think about how tired I was. I would try to pray the rosary, but forget where I was (usually counted on my fingers) or how to say the prayers. I would get up to work, bur be too tired to read or write. It was a fate worse than death - tired and unproductive by day and night.

So, pretty much preparing me for a normal life post-Grace.

Monday: Grace was awake between 2-4 a.m. As I fed her and burped her and changed her diaper (twice) and paced around the six steps between our bedroom door and the outside wall), I wondered, Why you were still awake?

Wednesday: Grace cried for 3-4 hours for seemingly no reason. Fortunately, before bed. 

No! Not my gum drop buttons!
Friday: We're having another crying day. She cried with her Dad. She cried with her Mom. She cried in the 10 minute drive to pick up Will from class, only to promptly fall asleep for the next two hours. After dinner, Miss Fussykins and I walked to Wal-Mart to look for a new day planner (no success, but Christmas decorations are out!), and she fell asleep. She's awake again, so this post will be short.

Her, earlier. I'm savoring that moment.
The opening to this morning's Psalm was Isaiah 28:8 - The Lord God will wipe away/ the tears from all faces. I laughed when I read that - thank you Lord! I need a good wiping too!

Grace is officially 15 days old today. She's expanded our hearts in so many ways, and stretched me further than I thought I could handle. When I was asked today "what I do all day", I said that my day starts around 3 a.m., when I feed Grace and change her diaper. Back to sleep. Then 6 a.m., when I feed Grace and change her diaper. Maybe sleep? (Will gets up around then; I'm toying with daily mass in the morning vs. before lunch.) Same for 9 a.m., etc. and all the way till the evening, when she goes to sleep for a few hours before her 3 a.m. wake-up call.

My mom left this morning, so this week will be our first alone - just Will, Grace and me. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law will be down in a week or so, but I already miss my mom (and not just because she fixed me an omlette every morning, made sure I ate plenty of vegetables, and believes strongly in dessert). She reminded me to nap and to suppress my "busy bee gene". She helped me not feel overwhelmed when Grace refused to be soothed. She carried Grace, changed her diapers, gave her baths, showered Grace with love, and introduced her to the "No Such Thing As Too Many Pictures" family motto.

Okay, you caught me. Binky to the rescue!
I'm so tired now. I can fall asleep and stay asleep. Tonight, on our quest for a new day planner, I could have sat down and snoozed for a few minutes. I walked around in a daze, jealous of Grace sleeping while being cuddled in the baby snuggly.

And it is such a good tired. The kind of tired after a good work-out; the kind of tired when you know you're doing a job well done. I'm tired, and I've never felt so fulfilled day after day. It really is amazing. I'm not totally organized - I did two loads of laundry and folded one - I did not make it to the grocery store - I'm still writing out thank you cards - I'm hopelessly behind on my real writing projects - I am content.

This evening's verse before the Canticle of Mary prayer is Acts 3:6 - Peter said, 'I have neither silver nor gold, but what I do have I give you: in the name of Jesus Christ the Nazarene, [rise and] walk.'

The beauty of living out one's purpose, one's vocation, is that one's soul is happy. The work load may be heavy or tedious or crabby, but the reasons for your work is in its fruits. I still can't believe how blessed I am to be married to Will and doubly blessed with our daughter. God is so good, and works through all the cracks of our flaws and failures to lead us on the path of salvation.

I fully admit that I'm a bit terrified of being a stay-at-home mom. I'll still be writing and editing, but even that has taken a backseat through my rough pregnancy and now recovering postpartum time. My mom worked outside the home while I was growing up (her vocation is in medicine as well as being a mom!), so my main influence has been a work-home balance. Fortunately, most of my mom's side as well as my mother-in-law stayed home with her kids, so I'll have many sounding boards.

Friends, how do you walk in this life? Is there a hop in your step or do you drag your heels? Do you consider your job part of your vocation or more of a career which will you will gladly relinquish one day?

Annnnnnnnd she's asleep (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). And so I adieu, adieu, to you, and you, and you! This zombie needs to re-charge her batteries.


  1. My husband and I are expecting our first this April. I am currently working full time to pay off my graduate school loans until the baby comes, and then I will be a stay at home mom and wife. :) I am so super excited for that day to come. Being a physical therapist is nice, but I want to give more priority to our little family unit and my job doesn't really allow for that at this point. My vocation is to be a wife and mom and I can't wait until that is my main job :) Congrats on the new bundle of joy! So precious!

    1. Almost the same as Andrea! First due in March; I'm a social worker but will stay home. I'm nervous but so thrilled at the same time. Thanks for this glimpse into my very near future!!! Grace is beautiful!

    2. Yes ladies! I worked full-time until we moved South for husband's further schooling to help pay expenses and build up our savings. It's such a different pace of life, and I am learning to appreciate the freedom (and responsibilities!!!) more fully!

  2. Swaddling-- a la "Happiest Baby on the Block"-- made a huge difference in Ellie's tiny baby fussiness. I don't want to tell you that it's a cure-all because every baby is so difference. However, I love that book and it absolutely saved my sanity that first month. It's worth a try!

    I see motherhood as my main vocation right now (in addition to wifehood). The other things I do are peripheral, good and significant as they may be. So if my vocation means getting up three times a night and changing the messiest diaper in the history of babykind, well, onward!

    1. Grace isn't too fond of swaddling... she's a squirmy mover! But I've heard a lot about that book - must look into it!

      I love your second part- yes to everything else being peripheral! Even laundry and dishes... and writing! That's harder for me to accept, but I feel it's the right thing for me to do.

  3. I'm loving my time as a stay at home mom and am so grateful that I was able to go very part time at my job. You said it perfectly "the beauty of living out one's purpose... Is that one's soul is happy." My soul is so very happy.

    1. Yes! I am technically part-time as well... and I adore the flexibility. So great!! I'd be willing to work more (past newborn) if a job could be more flexible, but that is something many work places are not willing to do.

  4. I love that you have a "Sound of Music" tag on your blog :)

    Being a single gal, my job is both my career and vocation for now. But I truly do love my job, and the flexibility it gives me, and the flexibility it could give me for the future if I'm called to wife- and mom-hood. Only time will tell!

    So happy your soul is happy in living your vocation! I've sensed that at times in my own life before, and I hope once I find my permanent vocation, I will once again sense that deep peace.

    1. I pray for that too! I've only felt truly dissatisfied a few times in life... whenever I was on the right path, I had a lot of peace too. But now it is overpowering! As is my need to nap all the time...

  5. You run, hop, jump, drag, and crash...but it's so good. And ditto to what Rebekah said; everything else is peripheral. Here's to being zombies and grabbing naps when we can!