Days 16 & 17: Failure

What is failure?

Laura is succeeding at pulling herself up on everything!

I've been thinking on this a lot. I am taking a philosophy class right now as part of my Masters (that I am attempting to get... slowly...) and the priest who is teaching the class told us how he failed his first philosophy class. Oh, how I loved hearing that!!

Don't worry - I am not failing the class. (A! For now!) But we Baldwins have had a lot of things pop up on our radar and when plans hit the pavement, my plans are the ones that (usually) get dashed.

To be fair, Will and I talked about this during our dating time/ engagement. Will's career path, at its beginning, would take priority. His path is pretty rigid and its requirements are high. During our marriage, we know this reality.

Being a writer, on the other hand, requires a lot of work with very little yield ($$). A lot of proposing articles, back and forth with editors, re-writes and then the blessed check comes in the mail, and a third of your groceries are paid for. Which is why I tend to do more unpaid work, because it's less pressure in that respect, so I can write more (for less) - but also less professional, so the double-edged sword continues.

Then there's my academic life, which is exciting, and slow. Family life makes it hard, when you're the one mostly caring for the babies. That being said, without Will, it would be nonexistent. Even last night, as I'm whining/ explaining to him over FaceTime about the list of Non-Negotiables that have to be completed this weekend, he reminded me that I am doing all this because I want to, and because I love it. I love learning, I love teaching, and I love writing and editing.

Deep breath. :)

 It's something I need to remind myself of as a mother as well. When I have to sneak into the room so Grace doesn't wake up, and rush to get Laura six times a night so she won't wake up Grace: it's exhausting. I wake up and cringe when I hear more crying, and it can be really frustrating. Especially being away from home - the girls are more clingy, which is hard when I need to get more work done.

Then I remember that I am not here on this earth to succeed. I am here to love.

I am here to love my husband by supporting him in his vocation (and listen to his awe-inspiring stories - he literally held a man's heart this week! During some kind of trauma resuscitation procedure). I am here to love my daughters and support them in all their endeavors. I love Grace as she throws another tantrum over food, and patiently go through all the options with her until we settle on an agreed upon food to eat. I love Laura while she's teething and support her in all her adventures... which sometimes means rescuing.

And I love myself, and I recognize that I have limits - lovely limits, and possible-to-climb mountains. I must love myself as God loves me, and forgive myself for my apparent (to me) failures.

Failure in this life, I think, can only be a failure to love.

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