Stop Wishing on a Star

There comes a point, every week, when I have to finish the powerpoint for my US History class (my younger kids). They love my powerpoints. They tell me so every class, which is good motivation for me. And I struggle to finish them, simple as they are. I bulk against projects like this -- not sure why, but I struggle with creating visuals. I'd rather just lecture; I also understand that an online class without visuals could be less engaging.

This next month, I am attempting to get ahead on my powerpoints to lower the workload for myself when Bebe Deux is born, and all the stars are not aligning.

At yesterday's OB visit, the NP told me to pack my hospital bag because in two weeks I am full-term. TWO WEEKS?! I thought. I THINK YOU MEAN FIVE. (A girl can wish, right?)

So, 35 weeks and counting. I try not to count. I try not to count hours in the day until Will comes home. I try not to count time I feel is wasted because I have to nap. I try not to count how much I have to do in how much time? The work overwhelms me, and instead of doing anything - even folding one load of laundry - I sit on the floor and play with Grace. I never count with Grace.

I've been thinking a lot about what would happen if I began cutting ties with all my responsibilities and all I was left with was my family. Practically, I know I would fill up that space again. But it always sounds good - the freedom time allows is as bewitching as the activities one does to fill in the white space.

Instead, I'm following my husband's repeated advice: pick one thing and do it. Don't do anything else until that one task is done.

What a struggle! I want to do all the things!!!! So, today, I did the following:

1. Cleaned the guest room.
2. Cleaned Grace's room.
3. Fixed dinner.
4. Cleaned off and organized my desk.
5. Cleaned and organized the Master bedroom (slash nursery now! A project-in-progress).

My immediate reaction upon writing this was... that's all I did today? I also taught class, caught up on some administrative work, edited a few articles and took Grace to a 2-and-under playgroup with our MOM's Club. Friday is one day we don't have therapy, and I really relish it. Grace and I always have a special breakfast on Fridays. But even so, I should reject the need to justify every day.

Grace is always on the move.

We need to reject that our work on this good earth isn't good enough. We need to reject the kind of societal acceptance we seek before searching our own depths. No matter where we are in life, we need to dig deep and find our inner strength and drive, and stop wishing life is going to happen for us or to us.

My office is not going to organize itself; my blog is not going to write itself; my powerpoint cannot (or will not??) appear without effort on my part; our home would not run without hundreds of unseen actions. I hate paperwork - so what? Grace's secondary disability insurance form will not fill itself out.

This year, I'm going to try agonizing less, do more. Nap more, regret less. Acknowledge the hard days - no, I'm not having a hard days the way Will's patients have a hard day, but we can't overcome fear and worry by belittling ourselves. We have to face the day, see the star, and catch it.