The Good News About Grace

Bit of a nerve-wracking week as I waited to hear back about Grace's blood tests... and then, relief. Grace is in the clear - no disorders, no clotting problems.

It's the double-edged sword, of course -- hooray for no future, looming health problems (God willing), but we still don't know what caused her stroke.

I'm okay with that. Will's okay with that. We're calling it a fluke.

We had a good week of therapy - Grace has therapy five times a week. Tuesday morning, outpatient OT. Tuesday afternoon, in-home (through the state) OT. Wednesday morning, in-home PT. Thursday early morning, in-home SLP. Thursday late morning, in-home PT. I teach U.S. history in the afternoons for an online classical school.

For a person who isn't exactly disciplined, this schedule has created a kind of pattern for Grace and myself. It definitely helps me prioritize my time, which I appreciate. The bigger bummer is that I can never calculate Will into our day; his schedule changes too often. I'll be glad to be out of his MICU rotation (14-16 hours gone/ day x 6 days/week) and back in the ER next month, where he sees us way more (usually gone about 11-13 hours/day x 6 days/week).

A typical day:

• Morning: breakfast, play time (or therapy), nap (hopefully!)
• Afternoon: babysitter arrives for lunch; I prep + teach class; babysitter goes home :: therapy on Tuesdays - always nap time in afternoon. 
• Evening: I prep dinner, we eat, we play; put Grace to bed.

Throw in grocery shopping on Mondays, showers/ baths every other day, and occasional play dates or doctor visits, and there it is! Our schedule!

Her latest feat!

Children with special needs do not have "special" schedules - just more activities (e.g. therapy). What they really benefit from are involved parents. This can be tough with working parents; I'm of the opinion, however, that it is the quality of time, and not just the quantity. Will is not home as much as I am, but he is very hands-on and interactive with Grace. It's rewarding watching the way they both interact with each other, and truly love each other.

When I was pregnant with Grace, I kept telling Will that the most important thing for me is for Grace to know she is loved. To know you are loved is a kind of trust no words can express. When we are in therapy and Grace is tired or doesn't want to do an activity, I'm there to coax her and love her and encourage her.

Every parent must travel this road. Every parent will be faced with challenges and the want to give more, even when exhaustion reigns supreme. With Will gone long hours, I usually side with an easy dinner, not immediately cleaning up (my default), or playing instead of getting ahead on writing or grading.

I have this time with Grace and I like to spend it happy, not stressed. Blessed.

My View (Vol. 27)

What I am reading: Discipline: The Glad Surrender by Elisabeth Elliot

"God has arranged things in such a way that his own action is coupled with the actions of men. The Bible is replete with examples of a loving and powerful God choosing sinful and weak men to accomplish His purposes, allowing them the dignity to act in freedom and thus to have a willed part in what He does."

"God does not coerce us to follow Him. He invites us. He wills us that we should will--that is, He wills our freedom to decline or accept. If we want to be disciples, we place ourselves, like the football player or instrumentalist, under someone's direction."

What I am eating: french toast mini muffins. You read that correctly.

Meal planning: My family was in Bethlehem for the past week, so I did NO COOKING and it was awesome. The week before (Christmas), my bestie Vivian came down and did all the cooking - oh, professional chef. NBD. Needless to say, I am a little intimidated to jump back into the meal planning game. Vivian made it look so easy (and tasty). Dad is also an amateur chef, so I am/ was tres spoiled.

But back to reality. Grace and I went to the grocery store this morning and here's the deal:

Breakfast: oatmeal, fruit, COFFEE (not black), milk 

snack 1 options: greek yogurt + chia seeds, kind bar, water 

Lunch: hardboiled egg, swiss, turkey and avocado/ tomato on ciabatta, clementines, bell pepper slices, sparkling water {some variation} 

snack 2 options: fruit twist; almond nut thins + cheese; apple + peanut butter, water 

Dinner: 

• Baked chicken thighs with quinoa + green beans

• Chicken stir fry (chicken, rice, eggs, peas + carrots, soy sauce)

• Tilapia with roasted sweet potatoes and bell peppers + fried spaghetti (Will's favorite)

snack 3 options: popcorn, raisins, juice

I was really tough with myself this week and bought no sweets (sans the french toast mini muffins, sue me). I have gained an appropriately low amount of weight during pregnancy, but I don't want it to end my pregnancy jumping higher because I ate all the Frango mint chocolates my family brought me (or the cheesecake I've been dreaming about). I almost bought a package of Julie's organic sorbet bars (my fave), but, for better or worse, I forgot to pick them up until I was in the car, driving away. I'm also trying to eat more vegetables... because they are not very appetizing to me right now, and very nutritious. My family also left a family size pack of bell peppers in my fridge so... chop chop!

What are y'all eating? Anything that might tempt me?

This week in history: Two OB appointments and two therapy sessions - I may have enjoyed the lack of therapy a little too much. It was nice to be off the hamster wheel for a bit!

Will was off work and my whole family (sans one brother + pets) was in town, so last week was the best week ever. Also, Bebe Baldwin is moving and grooving - I love feeling her so active!

Prayers: Will is in the MICU for the next month, and this is already a tough rotation (for both of us). 5 a.m. gone, home by Grace's bed time (maybe). Then, early to bed! I shocked myself by waking up with Will today, sleeping a little bit longer, and then getting up around 6 a.m. Who am I??

We find out Grace's blood panel tests results tomorrow or Tuesday...

For all those genuinely trying to reform in the new year, be it self or habit(s).

Peace abroad, at home, and in our own hearts.

Special intentions! {Like... my phone is missing. No more pictures for y'all without it! Now you know my secret. St. Anthony!!!!}

Next week I am going to: Buckle down on getting ahead for my classes - I am currently working on having half of February and all of March "done" lecture and assignment-wise so all I have to do is lecture and grade when Bebe Baldwin first arrives. Since my parents swooped in and bought me huge bookcases for my office (and more!), I'm going to start unloading all those perpetually traveling boxes finally.

Grace and I are having all-day Mommy-Daughter dates for six days, so we're kicking off today with grocery shopping, all-over cleaning, napping, and lots of playing. She is seriously the best sport - and the fact that I downloaded a painting app to my iPad for her while I clean has nothing to do with that!

I'm also returning to my Wunderlist (available on the computer and as an app!). The Type A in me likey. Does anyone else use it?

Happy January, everyone!

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Don't Worry, Be Happy: Thoughts on my High Risk Pregnancy

It's a funny thing, pregnancy. I've been excited both times, but not very vocal about my pregnancies. Part of it may be the all-trimesters nausea I experience. Part of it may be the feeling that pregnancy is part of the circle of life, and it's very natural. Part of it may be the humility of knowing what a miracle pregnancy is, and certainly not taking either of my babies for granted.

Our second pregnancy is considered high risk on the merit that we still have no clue what caused Grace's stroke (or when it happened). She's had all the standard tests, and yesterday, she had even more blood taken for a more extensive panel of tests.

It can be hard for a mama's heart as she holds her crying baby, watching the blood go into multiple tubes with her name and birth date printed on it. But it's necessary. Crying is temporary. These tests are so, so important.

Yesterday morning, I had another visit at the perinatal clinic (also known as the high-risk OB office). It was special because my mom and sister Katie were able to be there - my mom loved seeing Bebe Deux's heart beat, and the different ventricles. She was impressed by the level of ultrasound; I kept thinking about why we were seeing this level of detail. Something could happen.

I think there is a lot of wisdom to the phrase "Don't worry, be happy!" Trite, perhaps, and an over-simplification, but nonetheless: sometimes, the worry does not take away reality, and happiness becomes a choice. I choose to relish the day. I choose to not dwell. I chose to appreciate what I have.

Will's in the MICU for the next month, and today, a patient with no prior symptoms, history, drug use, genetics, etc. experienced her heart stop working. The doctors spent 45 minutes attempting to revive her, and Will fears she'll be braindead for the rest of her life. She has a husband, a ten year old and a fifteen year old. Her parents are still alive too. Nothing in life is guaranteed, not even good health.

I'm okay saying, We don't know why Grace's stroke happened and that's okay. That doesn't mean we'll stop looking and trying to understand - but I'm starting to see more and more the gift God has given me: the chance to trust Him more, the chance to not understand and be at peace, and the chance to love unconditionally. I still struggle with certain comments - when people are happy she's a lefty (well, she had a stroke on her left side, so yes, she is compensating for her right hand); when people say they don't see her as a child with special needs (okay??); when people ask questions no doctor has been able to answer. I'm not angry at the questions; they just confirm my confusion: why my baby?

So when I see the high risk doctors or I go over Grace's pregnancy and first few months, I remind myself that this does not mean anything is going to be wrong or happen to Bebe Deux. This is the job of the doctor - to take precautions. It is my job to remain optimistic while being a realist.

Bebe is looking great, growing well (4.5 lbs!), and keeping active. I'm so-so-so!! happy that we'll introduce our newest member of the family to the world in about two months. I'm trying to practically prepare for the little dumpling while Will's gone 12-14 hours a day... though, if we're honest, Grace and I are in a race for who can make the more messes around the house!

This is a hard topic for me to write about; and an important one. A high risk pregnancy shows a person how far medical knowledge and technology goes - how protective they are towards the mother and baby. How much modern medicine has to offer and help babies born as young as 28 weeks, or babies who need surgery, and how resilient babies are!

This action is hazardous, sure, and a big deal. Go Grace go!!

During a medical history session, I also saw a glimmer of how easily someone could be swayed into terminating a baby at the risk of something- and it breaks my heart, because there is so much the medical teams, the parents and even the world has to offer these babies (and everything these babies bring to the world!!). Because no matter what happens with Bebe Deux, no matter what the perinatologist tells us, nothing changes for us. Bebe Deux is our child, and we'll do everything we can for her.

And maybe Grace's stroke was a fluke - it's rare to have a stroke in utero, and it's rare to have a stroke as a newborn. Maybe this is just another way of experiencing love and grace. For as bad as Grace's diagnosis was, the therapy is working. Moreover, us (her parents) working with her is doing more - she loves us, and trusts us, and lets us push her harder than her therapists can. We can give her more time and attention than her therapists. We love her more.

And we'll love her sister as fiercely.

The 2015 Resolutions List

Okay, resolutions are pie crust promises. But pie crust tastes good, and I'm not going to stop making (or eating) them. So here it goes.

Jump back on the reading a book every week train. This doesn't mean I finish the book; it means I read something on paper, outside U.S. History and magazines in doctor's offices.

Create an exercise schedule that is doable, not ideal. Like, my pregnancy DVD at 7:30 p.m. Half hour - and Grace loves playing along!

Not make so many excuses. Discipline originates in the Latin discere - "to learn" - and it is definitely something I need to study harder.

And that means... primp my prayer life. We live in the modern age. Prayers are at our finger-tips and on apps, as well as in physical books. My parents gave me a new study Bible for Christmas. I don't know what my plan is or my goal, but I do know that the Devil does everything in his power to distract us from what is true, and good, and worthy of our attention. And sometimes, we let him win out of laziness. I know I do.

Continue to cultivate beauty. Especially around our home! Read poetry, work on organization, laugh more, accept more (worry less), and be okay and happy. Cook more. Perfect less. Enjoy it all, even what's not preferable. Few things are worth the tizzy.

And it goes without saying: practice gratitude. 2015 means a new baby, work for husband and myself, a happy baby-to-toddler, and so many blessings in the rubble.

Any resolvers out there?

Master of My Fate

"Invictus" by William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
      Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
      For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
      I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
      My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
      Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
      Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
      How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
      I am the captain of my soul.

**

I am up late, finishing changing the dates for my US History class, Spring Semester. I am thinking about sending the above poem to my students as a reminder that they are more than their grades, and still responsible for turning in their papers and quizzes on time, as well as following procedure. But another day...

Will is on break, and it feels really, really good to have him around. My family is visiting from Ohio, and it feels really, really good to have them around. I am napping a lot and that feels really good too.

Today, Will, Grace and I had our first ever family portraits done. They turned out well, and I am excited to pick up the cd and copies in about two weeks. Here is Grace getting ready for her close-ups:

I am not thinking about Will starting MICU this Friday, and I am definitely not thinking about all the work I need to get done before sweet Bebe Deux is born in February.

I am staying up late with my sisters, watching The Grand Budapest Hotel, talking about life, and talking about nothing. I am enjoying my vacation. I hope you are too.

I am the master of my fate! I am the captain of my soul.