How do you develop a shell while still remaining soft to the world? I'm still learning.
For as hard as intern year was (adjustment-wise), second year has been harder. Part of that has been the growing pains of our family. Part of that has been with our jobs. Part of that is the daily wear and tear of parenting + due diligence with therapy. The other part is laundry. WASH AND FOLD YOURSELF LAUNDRY.
I've had a few tough parent situations this school year - we just never saw eye to eye. I still don't quite understand why everything was perceived so singularly; I try really hard to be available and patient, so when something else happens... it hurts, a lot. I was crying on the couch when Will got home from another long shift. His last patient overdosed and was probably gone by the time the ambulance arrived. He ran a full code. Then, calling the family. There was a lot of grieving; doctors are not immune to that kind of pain, even if they seem unswayed. They have a job to do.
He told me I needed to close my computer, not reply, and move on. I did my job. My boss told me I was fine, so what was the point of re-hashing? Because I care, and I don't understand, and I love my job, and I love teaching my students, I cry. Will fills in the blanks: Do your job, learn from your mistakes, and move on - you're never going to make everyone happy.
The Man in Black said it best: "Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something." This doesn't mean we should relish our pain, or feel constant sorrow; but acknowledging it as reality, and pushing on, past the doubts and discouragements. Life is beautiful. I see it in Laura's cheesy grins, smelling fresh air, Grace calling out "mama!!" when I come downstairs, life with Will. Life is worth living. Not in spite of the pain, or even because of it, but with it, in communion. To know pain means to also know happiness, health, love and virtue.
As a Christian, especially one during this Lenten season, I can't help reflecting (begging God) and praying the Litany of Humility.
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O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed; deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being loved; deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being extolled; deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being honored; deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being praised; deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being preferred to others; deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being consulted; deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being approved; deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being humiliated; deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being despised; deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of suffering rebukes; deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being calumniated; deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being forgotten; deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being ridiculed; deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being wronged; deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being suspected; deliver me, Jesus.
That others may be loved more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I: Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it!
That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease: Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it!
That others may be chosen and I set aside: Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it!
That others may be praised and I unnoticed: Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it!
That others may be preferred to me in everything: Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it!
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should: Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it!
How is the end of your Lent going? I'm looking forward to my last couple of classes, my in-laws arriving, finishing my grading, and spending part of spring break on vacation with my darling husband before Paschal Triduum with my in-laws and our daughters.
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I feel that with the job - it can be hard to realize that you can't make everyone happy, when you care! I still feel bad when I have to tell an inventor that basically, no, you will never get a patent for this. It is their life's work! But as much as I don't enjoy that part of it, it's my job, and I do what I can to do my job right and well. And that's all we can do!
ReplyDeleteI will help you fold laundry while we watch movies when I come to visit :)
Ugh. I have been running into this with teaching this year too and its rough. But Will is so wise in what he says. Thank-you for this, and I totally get not blogging as much, I've been terrible at it lately as well.
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