In Memory of a Sister: Sally Giauque

Fall 2007

Last week, a woman died at 85 years old. Her name was Sally, and I met her when I was a sophomore in college and "went Kappa" - that is, joined Kappa Kappa Gamma, a woman's fraternity. Sally was one of the chapter advisers at Hillsdale College. An alumna of the college and chapter, she dedicated herself to our house and its members. She would arrive every Monday, in time for dinner and meeting, and stay in the guest room. She was stylish, smart, and was always reminding us of standards and how to be ladies.

I had a tough time being a Kappa the first few semesters; perhaps it is my penchant for not being told by other people who I am, and people like to label "sorority girls." Or maybe I never thought that I quite fit in, though I met a few of my best friends in that house. Or maybe I was just overwhelmed; I never seemed to have enough time to join in the more fun activities, as I prioritized school and the newspaper, accepting only required duties as my service and standard. Kappa wasn't what I expected of her, but maybe, as I thought later, I wasn't what Kappa expected either.

While I struggled with my collegiate career at Kappa, I always looked to Sally. She was a lady. She told us chewing gum made us look like cows. If we were late to meeting, she kindly informed us that it was better form to use the back door. How we dressed was important - and not for fashionable or keeping up appearances reasons (which I rebelled against): but because we were Kappas, and that was something to be proud of, and our dress reflected the care we took in our appearance, in our house, and in ourselves. This I could embrace, understand, and welcome.

Kappa Sal, as we called her

She married her college sweetheart (who died in 1981), and she would talk so fondly about him. You just knew their love was special. She just wanted the make the world beautiful, and that is the most important thing I learned from her: to do your little perfectly. Pick your battles, make peace, do good.

I always bit off more than I could chew, and that is why I struggled. When I started to let go of what I wanted, and started giving back more to the house, Kappa's beauty burst forth in front of me. Kappa is made up of many, many women, but none of them define her - she defines them. She guides them. She teaches them - through education, ritual, service and love.

Sally embodied all these things, and she gave me one more sisterly lesson: how to be a lady, and how to be a woman. This is something we females are not taught enough, I think, or have many proper examples of in our formative years. She was old-fashioned, and in the best ways possible.

There is no clear-cut recipe for how to be a lady and a woman, but it starts with humility, graciousness, asking for help, willing to help, saying the (sometimes) unwanted sentiment, and reminding others how proud you are of them and what good they bring to this world. When Sally stood up and talked, everyone listened. It was because of Sally's example that I wanted to give more back to Kappa, and I began writing book reviews for The Key, Kappa's magazine, after graduation. Writing is something I do, something I love, and something I can give back to Kappa. It is my little, and I strive to do it perfectly.

Kappa Kappa Gamma chapter house at Hillsdale College, circa 2010

Dream a while of Kappa ever true 
Dream of her and she will be with you 
Dream of friendships through the years 
Dream of days their joys and tears 
Now it's time that you and I must part 
So take this dream and place it in your heart 
Keep it dear until the time we will meet again. 

Readers, who has touched your life profoundly, and in ways you did not expect? I did not realize how much of an example Sally had set for me until she passed away on July 23, 2013, and I really began to think of her again. My consolation is that I know I made her proud, and I intend to give more back to Kappa in her memory - and make the world a more beautiful place than I found it, too.

Published in The Mirror Magazine

Pro-Life Compassion

In the 2011 film Friends With Kids, two platonic friends decide to have a child together without the entanglements of marriage (which they saw as tearing their other friends's relationships apart). A year or so after their child is born, Jason (the father) meets "The One" and at their initial meeting, he explains that yes, he has a kid, but no, he is not in a relationship. She, in turn, asks he knocked up a Catholic girl.

 It's possibly my favorite part of the movie, which is not saying much. Friends With Kids was a very bleak look at having kids, and the lack of proper communication between the adults was surely everyone's downfall. But it was a strangely pro-life film. Even with the adults crying and getting their knickers into a twist, there were kids running around everywhere. I think they were supposed to seem annoying and unruly, but I enjoyed their vibrancy and the liveliness they offered to the  film.

Kids!

Moreover, all the parents had their kids on purpose. All the children were "wanted". By the end of the film, the very character who had been criticizing kids being brought to fancy restaurants at the beginning was now staring at them with doe-eyes and compassion, and asking the parents how old they were. For the first time in the whole movie, a character showed real compassion toward the lives of children.

 The main characters, who avidly hate organized religion (their words, not mine), would more than likely be contemptuous of the pro-life movement, and really, any one who did not wholly support their decision-making process. But would they really have been as rabid as what we saw in Texas? The yelling, the signs, and the insinuations that "my body, my decision" means that fellow women cannot plead and pray, men have no say in the decision-making process, and the child inside is not its own autonomy.

As Mary C. Tillotson wrote in "Disabled Babies, Moms, and Men: Can We Please Love Them All?", " If we really need to turn men into straw men and tear them down, we’re buying into the (false) idea that men really are superior and all we can do is mope about it and resent everything. If we honestly believe that men and women really are equal in worth and dignity, we won’t feel threatened when a man speaks with kindness or offers to help." As this is the end of NFP Awareness Week, I wanted to make suggestions for a more fruitful and successful pro-life attitude and movement. It starts small, with every person.

1. Pray

 It is more than praying ceaselessly (1 Thessalonians 5:17), and adding "the unborn" to prayer intentions - we must earnestly pray for women (especially those in domestic violence situations, and victims of sexual assault and rape); pray for people's hearts to be open to life, to understand its sanctity, and to uphold human dignity; for men; for all families affected. We must broaden our understanding of what it means to be "pro-life" to include the care and love of every single human being - especially those we disagree with, and who cause us frustration and anger.

2. Watch your thoughts, curb your words 

Never, ever, ever say "baby killer" to a person who is pro-choice. First of all, they do not see their decision as killing a baby. They see it as preventing a baby from being born. The difference may seem "tomato/ tomatoe" but it is that sliver of mercy that justifies their actions. Empathy is what these mothers need; it is called a "difficult decision" for a reason. They are not debating that. These women need healing too, and just as often, so do the men. It is too easy to look at people who use contraception, have abortions, are pro-choice and think, They are taking the easy way out. They are not taking responsibility for their actions. But you too are doing that if you allow yourself to think this way: you are guiding your thoughts to not be loving. You are not actively seeking their best interests if you so easily dismiss people. Do not let other people's mistakes be your downfall.

3. No yelling, ever.

Who likes being yelled at? Does that make you listen better to other people's arguments? I don't think so. (This includes yelling over social media, peeps.)

4. No judging why a person is pregnant, no matter how old or the circumstances around it

Can you imagine becoming pregnant when you were not trying, and not in a supportive environment? That sounds terrifying to me. I can't imagine how I'd react if my husband did not want our child, or my family shunned me. These are realities many, many, many people face. If we truly believe every baby is a gift, then we must act respectful and supportive to all moms, and let them know they are "wanted" as well as their child. Many women and men are not blessed with having excellent chastity education (or any at all!) which teaches them to value their bodies (and others). Instead, many retaliate against any feelings of unjust shame or curiosity by "taking control of their sexuality" by being sexuality active. This is different than understanding one's fertility, and both are important to learn.

  Be merciful, then, as your Father is merciful. Judge nobody, and you will not be judged; condemn nobody, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and gifts will be yours; good measure, pressed down and shaken up and running over, will be poured into your lap; the measure you award to others is the measure that will be awarded to you. (Luke 6:36-38)

  5. Helping and befriending the moms

These moms are scared. Bringing a baby into the world is a huge responsibility, whether or not the mother chooses to raise it or offer it for adoption. Heck, I was scared when I first realized I was pregnant, and I was married and in a stable, loving relationship with a supportive family. My parish priest told me that it was okay to be scared - Mary was certainly frightened when the angel came to her with the message that she had been chosen to carry the Son of God. This is why he said, "Be not afraid!" This is why her "Yes!" to the Lord is so significant - she was taking on another human life to nourish and love and bring into this world. This is no small feat.

 Helping and befriending these moms means supporting them emotionally and physically (hello diapers and wipes!), and hopefully, spiritually. If the mom decides to keep her child, she is making a life sacrifice. If a mom decides to give her baby up for adoption, she is making another sacrifice - after carrying her baby to term, she may never see that child again, but always wonder what he/she is up to in the world. This is an ache no water can quench.

 Volunteering at crisis pregnancy centers is an excellent way to support mothers: and if counseling is not your strong suit, there is still plenty of work to do in sorting, office management, answering phones, and helping the other workers.

 The most important thing we can do in this world is love our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ - this is not a suggestion either, but a command. We love and learn humility, learn meekness, learn sacrifice. Let us help each other get to Heaven, especially those who need God the most.  

Any more suggestions, dear readers?

[Originally posted at Ignitum Today]

#7QT: How To Survive Pregnancy Edition

Happy Friday, one and all! Linking up with Jen and the gang for kicks and giggles.

ONE

I am two months away from my due date, and so continues my saga of roughin' it. Have you ever seen What To Expect When You're Expecting? Hilarious film. All stereotypes, of course, but I really sympathized with the one who got all the symptoms because, you know, I have not had a magical pregnancy.

TWO/ THREE/ FOUR

Now, perhaps you're thinking - no pregnancy is magical! So let me break it down for all the people out there who need to know there is light at the end of the tunnel.

First trimester 

Tummy: You're not reeeeally showing. Sowwy.

Feelings: Why do I want to die right now? Or take a nap. A nap sounds good. Bebe, I'm so happy you're being created into a person shape with organs and ears and fingernails, but dang, my body is tired. I am worshiping at the alter of Zofran, anti-nausea medicine, and Preggie Pops - yum.

If you exercise, you will feel better: No, I do not want to exercise. Maybe a walk.

Food: Cream of wheat, plain greek yogurt, steamed vegetables, citrus-y fruit. I lose a lot of weight; my OB is not pleased.

Perks: I can sleep on my stomach!

Second trimester

Tummy: Showing-ish, and then showing some more. Weight stabilizes, though I still weigh less than when I got preggo.

Feelings: Okay, I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. (Said ever since my Zofran dosage was increased.)

If you exercise, you will feel better: I tried, and it was horrible. I'll stick with walking and lifting small children.

Food: Lots of fruits and vegetables; still struggling with meat so I am eating my way through Greek yogurt containers. I cannot abide anything baked in cheese or heavy on spices. This makes eating out more difficult than necessary. Pickles are pretty delicious, though.

Perks: I can still sleep comfortably, but not so much on my stomach. I'm actually showing, which I appreciate. It's fun looking pregnant after being pregnant for so many months.

Third trimester

Tummy: Showing!!!!!!!!!!!!! My weight gain is up.

Feelings: HOLY GYMBOREE, BATMAN! My Bebe is moving and grooving inside me. My stomach often looks asymetrical as the baby prefers the right side of the uterus. It is surreal being able to to feel the baby cha-cha, and I am getting more excited for Bebe to be here. Not for the labor part, but we'll deal with details as they get closer. I'm an emotional roller coaster too, but that might have to do with moving away from my family.

If you exercise, you will feel better: Still walking, although it looks more like waddling. Swimming laps, too, like Baby Beluga in the deep blue sea. I sleep better at night.

Food: Fortunately, I'm back on the protein train. Unfortunately, I'm starting to crave sweets. Fortunately, I do not allow myself to eat too many of them. Unfortunately, I had this decision after I consumed a box of doughnuts. C'est la vie. Lots of fruits of vegetables, inhaling Greek yogurt, trying out cottage cheese on my baked potato, and continuing my relationship with bagels/ English muffins/ ciabatta bread. Some days I have to force myself to eat; other days I am ravenous. Weight steady.

Perks: My belly button sticks out like a party hat.

FIVE

Pope Francis, at World Youth Day, on grandparents:

Speaking about family life, I would like to say one thing: today, as Brazil and the Church around the world celebrate this feast of Saints Joachim and Anne, Grandparents Day is also being celebrated. How important grandparents are for family life, for passing on the human and religious heritage which is so essential for each and every society! How important it is to have intergenerational exchanges and dialogue, especially within the context of the family. The Aparecida Document says, “Children and the elderly build the future of peoples: children because they lead history forward, the elderly because they transmit the experience and wisdom of their lives” (No. 447). This relationship and this dialogue between generations is a treasure to be preserved and strengthened! In this World Youth Day, young people wish to acknowledge and honour their grandparents. They salute them with great affection and they thank them for the ongoing witness of their wisdom.

I love our pope! And cheers to my grandparents!

SIX

What is everyone reading lately? I want to get back into Laura Ingalls Wilder books (plus book reviews, yada yada), and maybe Maud Heart's Betsy, Tacy and Tib series! I'm in a nostalgic book mood, so a thousandth reading of Ella Enchanted may need to be in the line up too.

SEVEN

I am posting late, but I am back from eating delicious cajun food at Mulate's with Will and these three awesome high school friends visiting for the weekend!

Happy Friday, y'all!

Five Favorites

For a second time this week, I am linking to Camp Patton, who is guest hosting Five Favorites for Hallie at Moxie Wife!

1. This cat.

My sister Katie left her car window down, and Finny (one of our two cats) climbed in the window because nothing says lap of luxury like hanging out in a Toyota RAV.

This makes me so happy.

1.5 is technology... because getting pictures on my phone from home has made this Southern transition so much bearable. And high fives to all my family members and friends who have gone out of their way to call, e-mail, write, text and generally show me a lot of lovin' as Will and I embark on our Southern adventures! In 3 days, we will have arrived in Louisiana exactly a month earlier!

Sounds like I need to bake something now in celebration...! Wink.

2. Arrested Development.

The greatest.

During the evening, Will and I take a break and indulge in one of our favorite shows. We are in the middle of Season 2 (again). Hilarious.

Have you read this article from First Things comparing Arrested Development to The Brothers Karamazov? Simply brilliant.

3. This photographer.

I am totally blown away by his talent. He's in the NJ/NY area, but it looks like he travels too! Check him out.

Even his "About Me" section is great -

THAT GUYS BEHIND THE LENS. 

My name is Dan. Husband and brand-new father. 

Photography for me is a tool that allows me to bring the *real* stuff in life to, well, reality. I find little importance in a photo unless it speaks to me about something more than the picture itself. As it turns out, I'm a philosopher and theologian first, and in a strange twist of life, I found that photography allowed me to clarify the wonder and awe of the world that engulfs us. The tradition of marriage goes so much deeper than the cake and flowers let on-- Indeed, the entire day stems upon the desire of man and woman to give themselves to each other entirely. There is certainly something passionate and revealing in that, and I hope to capture a glimpse of it.

Swoon.

4. NFP Week.

Holler back, y'all! Katie (the beautiful co-founder of IuseNFP) is hosting an NFP story link-up if any of you have a story to tell...

Here's my post at The Mirror Magazine for why my husband and I use NFP.

5. Swimming.

I've never been a huge swimmer (more of a kick my legs around, walk back and forth around the pool), but there is something so magical about being pregnant and gliding through the water like baby beluga.

Will and I joined the gym at Tulane University (student perks!) and have been indulging in mid-day exercise. I'm feeling a lot better, it's easy on my joints, and I take my dandy time. I might not be burning ALL THE CALORIES, but I'm moving around and feeling great.

Also, I'm wearing my cute maternity swimsuit. Win!

I'm swimming like a fish, not with the fish - from our June Cumberland trip! The top has a nice halter strap too.

What are some of your favorite things, dear readers?

Bravery and Babes

I've never felt very brave. I was picked on a lot growing up because I was shy, and I stuttered, and wore glasses. And even after the stuttering was "fixed", I had a hard time not allowing my feelings to be swayed or hurt by other people. This feeling has lasted for many years, although I grew much better at masking it. In the meanwhile, I developed as a writer.

I joined the high school paper, Lion's Roar, my freshman year, as an outlet for writing. It was so fun seeing my name in print and contacting people, asking them what they thought, collecting the facts, writing up a story. I remember when I was named Sports Editor, one of two juniors who got a spot usually reserved for a senior. I was so proud of my little section, which I grew from three writers to six. Our space grew too - a whole page!

I had the glued-to-my-phone pre-req. down

I went to college and decided I didn't want to do journalism any more, so I didn't sign up for the college paper. But then, I got drawn into the independent paper, and spent my entire college career editing, writing, promoting and nurturing it. The tiny staff again grew under me, as I pulled in every resource I could, helping my writers and making them feel wanted as much as they were needed. I hurt a lot of feelings with my edits and editorials and "Hillsdalians of Genius" columns, but I didn't stroke any egos, and I told the truth, and people respected the paper. I even got along well with the journalism department, and got a scholarship to write book reviews for it my senior year.

It seemed the obvious answer, then, when asked what I was going to do after college: journalism.

Statehouse reporting was thrilling, but my work environment was not. I worked for a non-profit, who accepted a grant to fund two journalism positions. Though I was successful, my articles were well-received and picked up by outside outlets, it was a difficult work environment for me, and for personal-affecting-professionalism reasons, I quit.

That was one of the scariest things I had ever done, and it changed my whole life. I had accepted that job because it was great cub reporter experience and I was two hours from home. But now I had quit, and I was thinking about the other job I turned down in Washington, D.C. Was that the better choice?

I decided not to pursue journalism when I returned home, which my journalism mentor severely disagreed with; he told me not to waste my talent. Since then, it's been an interesting ride: family business, nannying, freelance, and plenty more "not-for-profit" writing -- as well as more family time, a new family, marriage, a new city, a baby, and a whole new set of challenges. And I'm happy, even though a part of me twinges to be back in journalism.

And what does this have to do with bravery? I still don't think of myself as particularly brave. I'm still introverted and still have glasses. But I've tasted "failure" - I know what it's like not to have what you want. I know what it's like to think you know what you want. I've known surprise, and I've known success. I know what it feels like to stand at the crossroads, and make another decision you know is going to change your life. Then another. Then another. I keep pressing forward. That's brave. That's living.

We all live with the consequences, whether our action by active or passive. And can you live with regrets? Sure. That's one way to live, but it's not a preferable way - because regret stains all future successes if you allow it. Or you can learn from your mistakes, which is my attitude: I have only one real regret, and that was letting people lead me to think I wasn't worth it: as a friend, as a girlfriend, as a student, as a writer. That is a lie, no matter who you are. We all have potential. We're all on a road to Damascus. None of us have completed the work we were put on this earth to do; most of us are still discerning what that work is, exactly. We should keep working, keep seeking, keep trying, keep loving, keep going.

In Jennifer Aist's book Babes in the Woods: Hiking, Camping & Boating with Babies and Young Children (my current read), she tells parents back off a bit and to let their kids explore (while still under supervision, of course!):

Watch an eight-month-old baby crawl around a coffee table. If left to explore it on his own, he'll run into it a few times, bonk his head on the bottom of it as he tries to crawl under it, and maybe even get a bit frustrated by it. Very quickly, this same baby will learn to duck going around that coffee table, slow down to avoid crashing into it, and generally learn how to be safe around it. The baby with "hover parents" never has an opportunity to learn by trial and error. So though this baby may never bonk his head on the coffee table at home, he also never develops the skills to avoid bonking his head on any other coffee table. Teach children the skills they need to safely negotiate any coffee table they may ever encounter, and you have given your children an incredible gift. You will have taught your child to be capable. 

Remember, frustration teaches children problem solving. Boredom teaches children creativity.

This is the same for adults as well. Be brave enough not to squander the chances in life to try, to "fail", to be who you want to be. You are exactly who you're supposed to be, and that is a true gift to the rest of us.