Somewhere in my brain is a worry machine. It is old and loud and creaky, but I can't find it. I want to pull the plug, or oil the hinges or anything to make it quiet down.
I worry about screen time.
But then I hear Grace talking along with the show, or Laura singing, and they're both dancing/ running in circles. I don't care any more.
I worry about feeding them healthy food. I spend hours looking up recipes.
But then then my kids only eat the same two dozen foods, so I start to lower my expectations.
I feel that the house is a mess AGAIN.
Didn't I just clean it? Is it as bad as I feel it is?
I'm not exercising anymore. My routine is gone.
How will I get it back? Too tired.
When should I go to the grocery store?
We have nothing in the house. We have so much in the house, but not what I want/ need. First world problems. Just deal.
I'm tired.
Why did I sign the girls up for swim lessons?
There is a line where people wonder, What is normal and what is PPD? With postpartum depression, your entire body is shutting down. You cannot cook. You cannot clean. You're just scraping by with what must-must-must happen. Every day, Will and I decide the one thing I will accomplish that day. Just one. If I do more: hooray! If I don't- all good. My anxiety lessens.
I'm learning to ignore more. As the stress rises, crashing like waves on both sides of me, I focus on my brain's recording of Will's voice saying, "It doesn't matter."
(I should embroider that on a pillow.)
It being the worry. The manifestation of a false demon. The dilemma forming in my brain, clouding my sight, my mind. Worry is intrusive. Worry isn't welcome. I can't stop it, but I can combat it.
Julie and Will's coping mechanisms for worry:
1. Breathing (deeply)
2. Perspective (what is actually happening right now)
3. Stress scale (is this being exacerbated by something else, including sleepiness?)
4. What can I do about it? (Practicals, plans, and pursuit)
5. Get enough/ more sleep.
Speaking of which- off to bed. Tomorrow is another busy day.
**
My "rules" for this series are short (especially before commenting): this topic is personal and I am currently living in it. This is not an abstract for a dissertation. I do not have 20/20 hindsight yet. I don't need any medical advice, as I keep in close communication with my own PA + Dr., as well as being married to one. My husband and I practice many different types of coping mechanisms as well, which I will write about too. My situation is 100 percent unique and I am writing only about myself. These posts are directed at no one, and still, I am opening myself up to share my experiences. If I can help one person, it will be worth it. Please respect this adult conversation at face value.
**
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Wednesday, October 5, 2016
Tuesday, October 4, 2016
#write31days: PostPartum Depression and You Have Things To Do
My to-do list?
I'm not so sure I can reach it.
I'm not so sure I can reach it.
Better take a nap.
**
Monday, October 3, 2016
#write31days: Postpartum Depression and Poetry (Mary Oliver)
Sunday, October 2, 2016
#write31days: PostPartum Depression and Eating
One of the most important things a lady can do while depressed is to watch the kind of food consumed by the body. I have the tendency to eat a lot of sugar. It's not every meal - it's just the constant snacking, and mindless eating - especially when I am feeding the toddlers, but not myself.
My new sport is meal planning. I spend time deciding what kinds of food I want for the week, and I try to balance all the food groups.
Among the many different ways that I am learning how to be the best version of myself (even when it is trying) is to watch my diet. I am definitely affected by sugar, and though I will not cut it from my diet wholly (hello, coffee creamer, you old minx) ever-ever, I think that it is important to make sure I am not filling up on gummy bears meant for potty training, or pretending that cereal is a competent dinner plan.
My favorite cookbooks:
My favorite websites:
What are you eating? Can you tell how your diet affects your life?
**
My "rules" for this series are short (especially before commenting): this topic is personal and I am currently living in it. This is not an abstract for a dissertation. I do not have 20/20 hindsight yet. I don't need any medical advice, as I keep in close communication with my own PA + Dr., as well as being married to one. My husband and I practice many different types of coping mechanisms as well, which I will write about too. My situation is 100 percent unique and I am writing only about myself. These posts are directed at no one, and still, I am opening myself up to share my experiences. If I can help one person, it will be worth it. Please respect this adult conversation at face value.
**
Follow me: Bloglovin // Facebook // Google+ // Instagram // Twitter
My new sport is meal planning. I spend time deciding what kinds of food I want for the week, and I try to balance all the food groups.
- In the morning I need coffee and protein (in some capacity, does not have to be meat). I try to add in fruit every day as well.
- For lunch, I need a non-sandwich which gets me through class + raw fruits and vegetables. I am trying out salad bags - I literally load spinach salad, walnuts, dried cranberries, feta cheese and anything that isn't wet into a sandwich bag. Wa-la! At lunch time, it's ready to eat.
- For snacks, I need something un-heavy and hopefully resembling a vegetable. I like plain greek yogurt with honey and walnuts too, or smoothies with spinach leaves.
- For dinner, I want a meal which appeals to my husband and two toddlers... this is my greatest challenge. Possibly deserving of another post...
- For dessert, anything that can pretend to be healthy.
Among the many different ways that I am learning how to be the best version of myself (even when it is trying) is to watch my diet. I am definitely affected by sugar, and though I will not cut it from my diet wholly (hello, coffee creamer, you old minx) ever-ever, I think that it is important to make sure I am not filling up on gummy bears meant for potty training, or pretending that cereal is a competent dinner plan.
My favorite cookbooks:
- The Feed Zone // written for athletes, and works for people looking for fast, healthy foods
- The New Best Recipe // if you ever wanted to know the "why" behind the recipe, this is the tell all book. I've never made a bad recipe from this book.
- Mad Hungry: Feeding Men and Boys // so many ideas, especially since my husband is all about the meat + grain. The oatmeal chocolate chip cookie recipe is my favorite, though.
My favorite websites:
- The Kitchn // my favoritest website; anything you have ever wanted to know about the kitchen and cooking basics/ secrets can be found here.
- Minimalist Baker // 10 ingredients or less? Yes please.
- Budget Bytes // affordable and creative meals.
- The Lemon Bowl // delicious and nutritious eats!
What are you eating? Can you tell how your diet affects your life?
**
My "rules" for this series are short (especially before commenting): this topic is personal and I am currently living in it. This is not an abstract for a dissertation. I do not have 20/20 hindsight yet. I don't need any medical advice, as I keep in close communication with my own PA + Dr., as well as being married to one. My husband and I practice many different types of coping mechanisms as well, which I will write about too. My situation is 100 percent unique and I am writing only about myself. These posts are directed at no one, and still, I am opening myself up to share my experiences. If I can help one person, it will be worth it. Please respect this adult conversation at face value.
**
Follow me: Bloglovin // Facebook // Google+ // Instagram // Twitter
Saturday, October 1, 2016
#write31days: PostPartum Depression - How Did You Know? // Introduction and Rules of Engagement
Last October, I attempted #write31days but without a serious mindset... quantity really- I wanted to write more. And I did! It was great. Today, I am starting this challenge over with a more guided topic. Postpartum depression.
I discussed ideas with a few friends, and this topic came up multiple times. How do you handle PPD as a Catholic women? How do you handle it with residency? How do you handle it with multiple children? What does it feel like? What should others know about PPD? The questions went on and on...
My "rules" for this series are short: this topic is personal and I am currently living in it. This is not an abstract for a dissertation. I do not have 20/20 hindsight yet. I don't need any medical advice, as I keep in close communication with my own PA + Dr., as well as being married to one. My husband and I practice many different types of coping mechanisms as well, which I will write about too. My situation is 100 percent unique and I am writing only about myself. These posts are directed at no one, and still, I am opening myself up to share my experiences. If I can help one person, it will be worth it. Please respect this adult conversation at face value.
**
How do you know you are depressed (PPD) and it's not just the baby blues?
This is the number one question many women ask. I am on baby number three in three years. Shockingly to many, this is not the cause of my depression. My depression has to do (mainly) with external factors in my life which I do not have [much] control over. I mention this because I have bonded with my third child wonderfully, just like I did with my other two.
I mention this because many women dismiss their feelings because they do not fall into the normal realm of what depression looks like. If you are taking anything your baby does personally, that should be a warning sign. A baby is for cuddling and feeding. A baby wants love and affection, and cries because something is wrong - or nothing is wrong! All three of my children spent the first month or two of their lives crying "just because"... baby wearing, baby swinging, and being okay with crying.
My main symptoms are anger and irritability. Everything bugs me - but what sends me over the edge is the perpetual whining of my three year old. Grace repeats herself constantly, and this is normal! There is nothing wrong with this! But for me, it was nails on a chalkboard. Combine this with anxiety if the house descends into madness (thanks, Laura); if I've forgotten something I am supposed to do; if I watch time tock by, paralyzed by what I should do...
This is not a normal response to stress. This is, at the very least, a reason to talk to a medical professional. If you have a feeling something is off, your intuition is probably right. Don't ignore it.
I knew something was wrong when Grace began whining and I just had to leave the room; I wanted to punch the wall repeatedly. I called the phone nurse at my OB's office, and as I told her my symptoms, I started sobbing.
I am currently taking medicine, which I will address in another post. Medicine combined with exercise and other coping mechanisms for healthy living is key - we cannot expect medicine alone to "fix" my feelings, anymore than we should think "natural living" is enough for women to cope.
With my first two children, I would feel sad and overwhelmed and stressed from time to time... with Stephen, there were times when I wanted to leave the house. I wanted to punch the wall; I wanted to cry and yell; I wanted to curl up in a ball and ignore everyone. These are not normal response to stress. My medicine is only 20 mg, but it is enough. When I hear whining, I can respond calmly or ignore it. I can find order in the chaos and I can laugh. I am 110 percent a better mother taking medicine, and I feel much more like myself.
And this is really the most telling part of depression - I didn't feel like myself. I didn't know this version of Julie, and I didn't like it. I love my family and I wanted to enjoy these young days. This is why I sought help and now, this is why I am writing about postpartum depression and anxiety. The only thing to fear is *not* accepting help. Don't try to rationalize your feelings or dismiss them. If you need help, ask for it. This is scary, and that is okay.
**
Follow me: Bloglovin // Facebook // Google+ // Instagram // Twitter
I discussed ideas with a few friends, and this topic came up multiple times. How do you handle PPD as a Catholic women? How do you handle it with residency? How do you handle it with multiple children? What does it feel like? What should others know about PPD? The questions went on and on...
My "rules" for this series are short: this topic is personal and I am currently living in it. This is not an abstract for a dissertation. I do not have 20/20 hindsight yet. I don't need any medical advice, as I keep in close communication with my own PA + Dr., as well as being married to one. My husband and I practice many different types of coping mechanisms as well, which I will write about too. My situation is 100 percent unique and I am writing only about myself. These posts are directed at no one, and still, I am opening myself up to share my experiences. If I can help one person, it will be worth it. Please respect this adult conversation at face value.
**
How do you know you are depressed (PPD) and it's not just the baby blues?
This is the number one question many women ask. I am on baby number three in three years. Shockingly to many, this is not the cause of my depression. My depression has to do (mainly) with external factors in my life which I do not have [much] control over. I mention this because I have bonded with my third child wonderfully, just like I did with my other two.
I mention this because many women dismiss their feelings because they do not fall into the normal realm of what depression looks like. If you are taking anything your baby does personally, that should be a warning sign. A baby is for cuddling and feeding. A baby wants love and affection, and cries because something is wrong - or nothing is wrong! All three of my children spent the first month or two of their lives crying "just because"... baby wearing, baby swinging, and being okay with crying.
My main symptoms are anger and irritability. Everything bugs me - but what sends me over the edge is the perpetual whining of my three year old. Grace repeats herself constantly, and this is normal! There is nothing wrong with this! But for me, it was nails on a chalkboard. Combine this with anxiety if the house descends into madness (thanks, Laura); if I've forgotten something I am supposed to do; if I watch time tock by, paralyzed by what I should do...
This is not a normal response to stress. This is, at the very least, a reason to talk to a medical professional. If you have a feeling something is off, your intuition is probably right. Don't ignore it.
I knew something was wrong when Grace began whining and I just had to leave the room; I wanted to punch the wall repeatedly. I called the phone nurse at my OB's office, and as I told her my symptoms, I started sobbing.
I am currently taking medicine, which I will address in another post. Medicine combined with exercise and other coping mechanisms for healthy living is key - we cannot expect medicine alone to "fix" my feelings, anymore than we should think "natural living" is enough for women to cope.
With my first two children, I would feel sad and overwhelmed and stressed from time to time... with Stephen, there were times when I wanted to leave the house. I wanted to punch the wall; I wanted to cry and yell; I wanted to curl up in a ball and ignore everyone. These are not normal response to stress. My medicine is only 20 mg, but it is enough. When I hear whining, I can respond calmly or ignore it. I can find order in the chaos and I can laugh. I am 110 percent a better mother taking medicine, and I feel much more like myself.
And this is really the most telling part of depression - I didn't feel like myself. I didn't know this version of Julie, and I didn't like it. I love my family and I wanted to enjoy these young days. This is why I sought help and now, this is why I am writing about postpartum depression and anxiety. The only thing to fear is *not* accepting help. Don't try to rationalize your feelings or dismiss them. If you need help, ask for it. This is scary, and that is okay.
 |
| Before Grace's eye surgery; when I had first started medication |
**
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